Faith.

Hello Blog !*excessive waving*

It's been a while I am writing here. 

2020 is the year I got pregnant. I was really happy but then the pregnancy didn't last. 

It's like Allah's way to tell me to pray harder.

 "I can't give you this one but if you pray harder, more will come. "

I have irregular periods so I didn’t really know which date was my first week of pregnancy or when was the EDD.

But I know my body was changing and I took the UPT. Yes I was pregnant. It was one of the happiest time because Mior and I have been waiting for this; we’ve been married for almost 2 years. Two weeks after taking the UPT test, I went to the doctor for my first sonogram but the doctor didn’t see anything. She said my uterus was empty. It could be still early. I was still in my early pregnancy weeks.

Another two weeks past by and I have brown spot everyday. I thought that could be an implementation spot when the embryo was trying to attached to my uterus lining. But a week after that I got this heavy cramping on my lower abdomen while I was working in the office. It comes with red blood. It was sticky and not like fresh blood but for me it was a lot.

So that evening on February 18th 2020 we went to the hospital. The doctor took my blood and did all the screening test they would do. Named it. The TVS, the sonogram, the speculum and putting their fingers in my vagina.

The blood test came in and my Hcg level was high. I should be in my 6 weeks of pregnancy but there is no sign of sac in my uterus. They decided to hold me for one night so I can meet the specialist tomorrow early morning. So just like that, that was my first night in the ward.The next day, two specialist was attending me , Dr L and Dr M. Both of them are really helpful and understanding but I am still praying it was not ectopic pregnancy. Both of them did the TVS again but with much more high tech machine and they still can’t see the embryo/sac in my uterus. But they saw something on my left fallopian like a lump. I still remember what Dr L said.

“We will need to do a surgery on you just to make sure it’s not an ectopic pregnancy. It’s a laparoscopic surgery and we will cut your stomach at three places. The first one would be in your belly button just to see the whole situation. One we’ve confirm the situation, another 2 cuts will be needed. If your fallopians are good and there’s no zygote there we do not have to remove it. But if it’s there, we will need to remove it. “

Just like that, my dream was shattered. I broke down 10 minutes before going into the operation theater. Because it was happening too quickly. Only yesterday I was still pregnant but today at 10 AM I was broken. The surgery completed within 2.5 hours. I went out from the OT without my left fallopian and my little zygote. I can’t think much with the anesthesia still on me but I know my heart was broken. My husband was there all the time to accompany me and I know he was broken too. 

The doctor gave me one month leave instead of the usual 2 weeks leave. I don’t know. I guess she felt like she has some connection with me because we have the same name and she’s been through what I’ve been through now. She told me she only has one fallopian too. She was an ectopic case too. But she has two kids now. I think she’s trying to make my heart feel lighter. I do appreciate her gesture but at that moment I can’t really think much. Only when my emotion was stable again, I remembered her words and it means a lot to me. It gave me hope.

I wrote this also in one of the popular question-and-answer website and someone commented that I should give a name to my unborn baby. It doesn't matter how many weeks I was because it's a gesture to calm and heal the mother's soul. 

I decided to call my little angel as Faith. 

Faith - as purest it sound, as innocent it felt. 

Drama pagi

Husband merajuk harini sebab tak mesej dia sebelum gerak pergi office.

Honestly he is the most sensitive man I've ever fall in love with. But because his sensitivity, he handle me like a pro. haha

I was known as one of the most stubborn human being , even my mom can'd deny that.
But he's the only guy that are really patience with me, melayan kerenah bini dia yang macam biskut. Kejap okay , kejap gelak kejap emo. Lepas tu senyap je, tapi bila laki sendiri senyap aku plak risau asyik tanya, 'abang okay tak ni?' I love you abg.

Alhamdulillah , setakat ni life hidup berdua for me sgt okay. Tak tahu lah nanti bila dah ada anak.
Kekadang ada jugak rasa mcm what's my problem why I'm not pregnant yet. Tapi husband selalu cakap, belum rezekinya nanti. InsyaAllah Allah akan bagi pada masa yang terbaik. Cuba fikir skrg ni baru nak selesa dgn baru beli rumah and nanti kereta..bagi masa utk kita kumpul duit dulu.

True. Allah knows best. Just like my career and love life, I can feel He will give me what I need the most on the current moment, not what I want.

Our first house :)

House.
I dreamt of it since I have been working in KL. The fact that I took LRT everyday to work I saw a lot of advertisement for new development.

It makes me dream more frequent and deeply.
2017, I heard of Rumawip and I decided to buy one. But my salary at that time still not gonna make it for the housing loan.

I studied the location for all the Rumawip houses that being released.. I even create my own map like below to weight which one the the most optimum location for a living.

I opted for Vista Wirajaya but then it's already sold out. My second option was Skyawani3 and after researching for some time, turns out you will need at least 15k cash to place a depo and booking.

Then I backed out know I don't have that much of money and I am still saving for my wedding.
I told my husband I gave up we should just focus on our wedding.


Fast forward end of 2018, 3 months after our wedding I am still seeing ads for skyawani3 and now they just ask for RM1K booking fee. :D

After a long discussion with my husband he agreed for us to try it first. We put our booking fee and alhamdulillah I was able to grab a housing loan successfully.

This time we almost gave up too due to the stress of looking for the best loan. We opt for full loan since we do not have 10%dp to pay.

We applied maybank but my mark is on the bench, I had like 0.05 % difference from the safe spot to get it. They asked me to clear my credit card loan first and I asked them to wait for like a week so I can clear it. But no, I decided to try Bsn and alhamdulillah I passed their mark. You see, every bank has different ways and mark to count your credit score. So we choose Bsn and after couple of weeks we sign our SnP and lawyer agreement.

Allah really do have a way to give what you want. Sometimes when you want it the most, Allah knows it's not the right time.
You just have to be patience and knows Allah maha mendengar :')

Delayed thoughts

Hello people of Earth.

I have been delaying my writings in here due to a lot of things.
Apparently , once you got married you will have less of me time. I am not kidding. Even when we don't have kids yet sometimes I really just feels like I want my own space and my own time. It's a bless that I have different off days from my husband; Monday is only for me. :) Of course I love my husband and I love when he's around. But again, I just need a moment to be alone. To be in my enclosed space and do my own thinking of things such like berangan ntah apa2, then main fon then tidur. Lol. I know it sound so much like living a Miss, not like a Mrs but trust me you will need it.

In my mind, I need to maximize my me time now because if I am not going to do it, I will regret it once I have kids.
My husband know about my thought ; although he seems hesitant to accept my opinion he learns to negotiate with it. I can have my time as long as I give him the notices. haha. It's okay we can work on that. After all we need to learn being a team every day.

It makes me wondering , was I really ready to get married before or if I did not think about it deeply? It's not I don't like it. I love my marriage life, but to adjust your life with another person that will be there all the time is gonna take some time, I guess. But hey, it has just been like 6 months. There will be more to come and more to grasp.

Happiness is not when you have the things you want, happiness is when you know what you have is enough to makes you and your love ones happy. Because being there for each other is the things you want the most.

Newlyweds !

Hello All !

It's been months since my last update. I've been busy with my wedding, job, moving house, etc etc

Yeah.
I got married ! :) My husband ,  Mior Hamzah and he is the love I've been waiting for *insert gedik smile*. The one yang paling penyabar layan kerenah seorang Liyana. :') we've known each other for like a year and  I literally told him , we should get married in August.. Thank god he agreed.. Lol
The nikah was on August 17 and the sanding on the next day. It was beautiful . With the help from the relatives, family, friends, everything seems to be able falling on its place although they were a lot of hiccups. this was the first wedding in my family so a lot of things were unexpected for us and I guess there is a first time for everything to experience it. .
Anyways, money is king when it comes to wedding. My advised would be no matter how simple you want for your wedding, that is not your decision to make.. *insert  small  sad laugh*

Now my mom knows it's better to use catering instead of trusting someone else and more like rewang to do the job. Of course rewang is so much better with all those nostalgic feeling and everything, but we do not have a lot of relatives in Johor. My late dad was from Melaka and my mom is Sabahan. Allthough my relatives from Sabah did came, (oh gosh only god knows how I appreaciate their presence to be there all week helping my mom and me.) but you will try your best not to make them feel like they are not the guests; and guests should have not do all the work.

At least we learned that hiring wedding planner is a better choice for a small family like mine.

For my side , we chose deep blue as our wedding outfit. I love it a loecause the color will hide all my fat. kahkah. Apparently that is not how it work, you still need to lose weiight, guys. Which I only manage to do it arounf 3-5kg. After the wedding, I gain all of it back. lol

We decided to do the majlis bertandang on the groom side in November. So on November 4th the ceremony was held in Bota Kanan. My inlaws decided to use wedding planner - it includes the pelamin, pengantin outift, dewan and catering for 800pax. My husband got the deal for only RM12k. For me that was a wonderful arrangement. You will not get the same price in KL or even in Johor.
I wish I did the same thing in August.. The fact that we only need to settle the doorgift and photographer really makes everything looks smooth. My inlaws only needs to bring the doorgift the day before and everything was already provided. Even the pelamin looks good. Oh btw since we did not found any baju yang menarik hati on the same boutique, we decided we will rent it from KL.

Thank God we found a cheap renting service for wedding dress in Melawati. Every Bridal we researched will charge 500-700 for L+P sepersalinan and need to pay extra for accessories. Arora Bridal in Melawatin only charged us RM350 with accessories L+P. And the dress o.m.g . When we first pick it up, we did not really think it through because since it's wuite reasonable price, what is there to complain. WE chose gold brown dresses and wallahhhh the outfir looks amacing when you wore in the Hall due to the lightning. I am not trying to brag, but that dress is comfortable as f. sejuk pun ya tak panas kain dia. Arora Bridal actually is a tailor. Usuually bridal boutique byk hantar baju to them. Then they decided just to do it on their own since there were customer would like to wear the dresses they tailored but do not have the budget. So they tailored a few and rent it out.. What an amazing idea.

It's been two weeks now since the majlis in Bota. Still rasa in newlyweds phase haha. I really don't know what is my next plan with my husbamd, Mior. We have a lot of plans like traveling, buy a house or get a new car, or invest in anything but it's not solid yet.. We need to start from 0 again nak kumpul duit lagi sekali.


Lastly, may we all get the happiness that we prayed for. Salam Maulidul Rasul ! :D

hai

hai
lamanya tak menjenguk baby blog yang dah berusia 8 tahun ni.
sungguh. 8 tahun dah berlalu. macam-macam dah berlaku.
Banyak sangat benda dah jadi since last menulis kat sini. Tapi rasanya baik simpan dalam hati.

nanti dah ready baru luahkan di sini :P

Ramblings

Wow nampak la habuk-habuk sikit. haha

It's already December.
Takut betul kadang-kadang tengok masa berlalu cepat macam ni.
And suddenly you are 27 next year. :')

Alhamdulillah 2017 is a slow and steady year for me.
Early 2017, ada few goals yang aku nak capai.
-Bawak family bercuti.
-Aku yang pergi bercuti.
-Kerja and ensure orang nampak hardwork aku so my superior won't hesitate nak bagi increment ke bonus ke lol
-Cari jodoh . eh
- lose some weight. omg ni selalu kandas. I can't help myself. I blame all those food yang sedap and yang tukang bawak mkn .

I managed to bring the whole family dtg KL and naik Genting. YEAY !
it sounds lame but I know dah lama my whole family tak ada percutian yang everyone of the family member is there and it's complete.

Then plan lagi pergi Tioman . It was super fun when pergi dgn orang2 yang kita sayang. And I must say tgk my mom jalan tepi pantai berpegangan tangan with my stepdad is life goals. haha

Lepak main Uno tepi pantai dgn siblings also is the best. Masing-masing jiwa remaja lagi uolss and masa ni kau rasa muda gila sebab they were like baru 14y/o , 16, and 21. only apek tak ada sbb kerja as MA mmg leceh nk apply cuti.


After that around September I went to Boracay with Nad :P
Kerja gila sbb we bought the ticket 2 miggu sebelum pergi and plan everythinh within that time.
The view was amazing and the experience was spectacular.
One of my bucket list : checked off !:D

For my job, alhamdulillah it is fine. I am satisfied with my experience and salary now. I remembered when I started working circa 2014, my net salary was only like 1.5++. And the entitlement was for Software Engineer. A lot of my friends said to me that the salary was too low but I can't help it. I know I need it ; and I need to stay for at least three years to make my resume looks good so I can apply for another better jobs in terms of career movement.
Of course I did get increment while working there. I decided to leave my previous employer as I know I need more. I wanted to try something else. And here I am almost tripling the pay from my first salary 3 years ago - which is nice for the moment.

I always remind myself kadang mungkin rezeki kita okay, kadang ujian tu sampai rezeki mungkin belum sampai. I just want to prepare myself with much better savings as we'll never know apa akan jadi in the future.
A lot of things can happen ; so let's just be grateful for what we have now and prepare well for the future.
and you know what, I do know I still have the lowest pay on my team of twelve ; sometimes i do feel like as malaysian kita ni plak rasa inferior dgn foreigners. but to think it back, i do understand living as expatriate , stary dar away from your family and different country is a hard things to do. Also I dont know why it is really hard to get resources like them in Malaysia. xpelah it is a win win situation I guess for everyone.

I am still thinking nak pergi big bad wolf ke x hari ni.