Approaching another year.

Living your day by day unknowingly you are getting older ; it hits you sometimes.

I just turns 24 last October.
And  I am counting towards 25.
I always thought people around these age already figuring it out on what they gonna be,
how they gonna be, why they are choosing it and lastly their path collides perfectly with what
they had desired truly before.

I was wrong.
again.
because i am here sitting in front of my laptop still wondering if every decision i made
from the past ;  did I really chose them , or I was afraid to choose the hard way?

to be honest,
I really think I am still in a moving boat with no destination to go and just doing some sight-seeing on
my left and right.

I am still choosing though.
Choosing what is the best for me.
Or is the best for others?

This is what happen when i got too far away from Him.
I think too much.
I should go back.

It's been months i didn't do it.
Gonna try again tonight.

Deep

I had fall too deep now.
i don't know if i should go back or keep going.

Adele 25

for the past few days i've been listening to Adele new album , 25.

that album is awesome, dude.

Every single song was like literally gonna shoot you straight on the heart.
Every single song was totally mesmerizing ; glimmering with heavy feeling that wasn't even there before.

I think the most high-drunk feeling-soul one is 'I Miss You'.
the starting of the song really gives me shivers.
feels like i've been missing someone for such a long time and couldn't be able to bear the
pain anymore.

snd yes. the song is sexy as hell.

'I want every single piece of you
I want your heaven and your ocean's too'

imagine someone desired you that much. wow.

'i miss you when the lights goes out. '

listen to it.
feel her sexy soul.


The saddest song 'All I Ask'.

I can even cry even when there's nothing to cry of listening to this song. haha

All I ask is
 If this is my last night with you
Hold me like I'm more than just a friend
Give me a memory I can use
Take me by the hand while we do what lovers do
It matters how this ends
'Cause what if I never love again?

*cry again at the corner room T.T



Because I know that pain.
I used to it before.
And I wish I don't have go through that anymore.

updatess

it's been a while i didn't write anything here.

i guess life is quite busy now. 

or i just have less me time for any leisure things to do. 

i think a lot of my time was totally being spent on browsing the internet ; not to forget

all those social networks. blergh. 

they are so addictive. 

so ,.. what's new?

work is as usual. not too heavy now as like 5-6 months ago. 

I'm trying to search a new job now. 

looking for new experience and skills. teehee

and also,

i met him. 

he's fine :)

i guess we both are fine.

have faith and pray for good things happen for now. 

Dear You.

it hurts to me as much as it hurts to you too.
I decide i wouldn't give up.
As much as you never give up to me all these time.

I also know how hard it is for you to make that decision.
But I'm gonna stick with mine.

As you are getting older, you realize not all things are meant to be told to others.
because sometimes you never know what they are hoping for us in their heart ; either it is
negative or positive things, you'll just never know.

so i always pray, let their heart pray the best for each things they know or heard
anything about me.
and i'll do the same thing :)

I hurt someone else first for fearing i would get hurt.
But it backfired to me.

Thank you.

Thank you.
Even in this short time, you gave me more than i deserve.

October Baby

It's been a while i didn't write anything here.

Well, it's October and that means I'm celebrating my birthday :) which was on 3rd October. 

My family and I went to get a special dinner. The restaurant is call Kayu Manis that I thought that is a cute name.

and getting a lot of warm wishes from family and friends. :)

Then on October 4th I went to Batu Pahat to meet Wahida and Linda ; hanging out watching movies and eat lunch ; not to forget catching up our stories. 

I miss that. hanging out with your friends without needing to think about work or anything else other than gossiping. haha

Then, 

On 5th October, it was my convocation. It was my end mark studying in UTHM. I am happy. At last I finished it.
Alhamdulillah :)

here some pic of that day . yeayy

so. it's about work and life only now. kinda sad. 

lol

nahhh just kidding

Indeed HE is the best listener.

Early this year, 

knowing there was a lot unfinished business i need to settle down, 

and i just don't know how ; i was so miserable. 

I was in the phase of upside down.

I was thinking that i failed in everything i did.

My job,

my studies,

my love life,

all were in disaster. 

i was so much depressed about my job and also how i still did not finish my final year project. Not to forget being left by someone that i thought he might be the one even how much mistake he made i was still believe he might be. 

but i was wrong.
again.
and it feels like everything is breaking into pieces. 

tapi,

jalan Dia sungguh indah. 

dan aku sendiri tidak tahu bagaimana Liyana yang dahulu menangis tiap malam kerana hati sendiri, 

kini berada di sini.

He sent someone to help me and now in few days I'm gonna finish my degree. I'm gonna walk down on that stage that I thought I would fail doing so. 

He planned my life so well that i can help my mom paying our new family car that I never thought I managed that at my age.

He let me hurt so bad so i would realize there's someone out there that have been waiting for me for years,would never stop praying for me but it's only me never saw him coming.

:')

Indeed He is the best planner.

Indeed He is the best listener.

He hear you.

always.

keep praying. :)

words.

words bleed.
Use it wisely.
Lesson learned.

if you could turn back the time. what would you change first in the first place?

Here Comes the Sun :)

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It's all right

Little darling
It's been a long, cold lonely winter
Little darling
It feels like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It's all right

Little darling
The smiles returning to the faces
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been here

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It's all right

Sun, sun, sun, here it comes (5x)


Little darling
I feel that ice is slowly melting
Little darling
It seems like years since it's been clear

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun,
and I say, It's all right

Here comes the sun
Here comes the sun
It's all right
It's all right


:)

takdir.

I would like to write here.

A lot.

there is a freakin amount of stories i would love to write.
But there's no word shall describe what i want to jot down right now.


Fate is so unique.
unique in a such way human being could never describe it.

Dan akhirnya,
setelah lama berfikir,

aku berharap mereka yang tahu, doakan yang baik - baik sahaja.
kerana aku sendiri tidak tahu takdir ini akan bawa ke mana.

and indeed,

He took away what you want, but He would give the better one for you.
:')

timelessness

Rindu.
Rindu pada Dia.
Ingin mengadu,
mengeluh,
meminta,
semua pd Dia.

That feeling was so calm until kau tertunggu-tunggu.
Rindu pada rasa sayang, tenang kerana mengetahui rindu ini hadir kerana Dia juga memanggil.


Seminggu sudah bukan?
InsyaAllah mlm ini ya?
:')

"Kerana akhirnya, hanya Tuhan yang akan datang memeluk kau dengan tenang"

Love yourself

I've been neglecting myself for so long.
I failed to realize that loving myself, being happy with myself is much more important
rather than accepting how others doesn't approved what and who am i right now.

I sat there.
Doing nothing even I know if I am with them, I, myself, would not like me either.
I'm learning now.
To love myself more.
The definition of loving my own self is being happy for who i am now, for how i look,
for how well enough I handle myself.

The bright things about having your own job right now is, you can plan whatever you want
with your money without feeling guilty.
*evil laugh*

and also responsibility.
but, everyone is going through with it.
So if they can do it, why can't I?

Do things that make you happy. Not making them happy.
I used to be so ignorant when people talking about my weight and the way I faced it was
I closed my ear. Pretending that nothing happen and eat much more and at night I will regret it before going to sleep because I know I was not happy. I should do something.

But I didn't.

Because I believe I will always be fine.

It turns out, I am not.

Learning that you are getting older some of your body part getting easily in pain because of the pressure, tension and weight, is not healty at all.

so yeah, that's my first call.

Be happy for yourself.
As long Allah approves it, do everything you can to be as calm as the blowing wind and
will not regret it before going to sleep at night.

Because you will say,

" I am  glad I did that today. Alhamdulillah . :) "

What I learned also,
don't put your happiness on someone else. Because that show how broken you are.
Hold it. Hold it yourself as it is the most precious fragile thing in this world.
Do things for yourself.
Live for yourself.
Live for HIM.

lari

Kadang,
Mahu sahaja aku berlari ke sini,
Lari dari segala memori,
Lari dari segala rasa yang menyempitkan hati,
Dari semua tempat yang sesaat sahaja mampu mencemar memori dgn bayangan; bayangan yang menyesakkan dada. 
Terlalu sesak sehingga nafas ku terlupa rutinnya,
Yang mampu membuat duniaku terhenti seketika.
Semata kerana sebuah bayangan.

I wish i could run far away from here.

Ya Allah..

Kuatkanlah hati.
Kuatkanlah hati.
Kuatkanlah hati.

tunggu along.
Along rindu sangat-sangat atuk.

Kisah Nabi Yusuf

Semalam aku tertarik nak baca tafsir surah Yusuf.

Yes, setelah hampir 24 tahun hidup , baru rasa nak baca tafsir surah yang keinginannya datang dari hati.
bukan disuruh . eheh.

sebab aku teringat Mak ngah kata.. banyakkan baca surah yusuf untuk orang lebih senang dengan kita. macam menerima kita dengan senang la, tak awkward gitu. maybe. aku interpret begitu. haha


but hey, it's Quran. baca sepotong ayat dengan ikhlas pun insyaAllah ada ganjaran.

so semalam aku baca. Macam baca buku cerita yuolss. Cerita tu complete dari awal sampai akhir.

Ada beberapa persoalan yang buat aku tertanya2.

1) Kacak tahap level mana Nabi Yusof sampai rakan-rakan Zulaikha terpotong jari dengan pisau?

2) Kenapa Nabi Yakub sangat-sangat menyayangi Nabi Yusuf? Adakah kerana dia yang bongsu? atau ada sebab lain? sebab Nabi Yusuf boleh tafsir mimpi?

- Well, i know Nabi Yakub already known Nabi Yusuf is special when he told his father stories about his dream and interpret it. That moment Nabi Yakub know Yusuf will be a prophet.

3) Kenapa nama - nama abang Nabi Yusuf tidak diberitahu? Why the namesof people yang mengkhianati Nabi Yusuf  tidak dinyatakan? It's in our nature to know who made the bad things and who not. so why?

4) Dan kenapa Allah turunkan Surah Yusuf? Mula-mula cerita memang cerita pasal dia.. and few ayat akhir cerita mengenai Rasulullah s.a.w.


So as usual.. aku google wikipedia. yeah i know internet is quite unsuitable to search for something like this.
But this is the closest thing near me. Should manfaatkan sepenuhnya. hehe


Here we go.

 Surah Yusuf ialah surah yang ke 12 di dalam al -Quran. Ianya dikatakan telah diturunkan sepenuhnya hanya sekali, sekaligus menjadikan ia unik dalam konteks ini. Teks ini menceritakan kisah Yusuf (atau Joseph di dalam Alkitab). Walaupun surah lain cenderung untuk melompat antara topik, surah ini adalah istimewa dalam berpegang kepada tema utama di seluruh, memberitahu cerita koheren dalam susunan kronologi.

Surah ini pertama kali diterjemahkan ke dalam bahasa Latin oleh Thomas van Erpe pada 1617 dan kemudian pada abad ke-17 yang disiarkan synoptically dalam bahasa Arab dan Latin sebagai sebahagian daripada usaha Lutheran di menterjemahkan al-Qur'an.

''

Kisah Yusuf (Surah) adalah lebih kurang nabi Yusuf, diterjemahkan dalam bahasa Inggeris sebagai Joseph. Yusuf adalah salah satu daripada anak-anak Ya'qub (dikenali sebagai Jacob di dalam terjemahan bahasa Inggeris) yang mempunyai bakat impian mentafsir. Suatu hari Yusuf mempunyai mimpi dan dia menceritakan mimpinya kepada ayahnya yang sebaik mengetahui bahawa Yusuf akan menjadi seorang nabi.

 Bapanya memberitahu dia tidak memberitahu saudara-saudaranya untuk mengelakkan sebarang bahaya. Walau bagaimanapun, kerana rawatan kasih sayang Ya'qub terhadap Yusuf, saudara Yusuf merasa cemburu. Mereka mahu untuk menyingkirkan Yusuf, sehingga ayah mereka dapat mencintai mereka dan bukan Yusuf.

Rancangan awal mereka adalah untuk membunuh Yusuf, tetapi kemudian mereka mengambil keputusan untuk membuang dia dalam telaga. Mereka berbohong kepada bapa mereka dan memberitahunya bahawa serigala telah membunuhnya. Kemudian, Yusuf diselamatkan oleh kafilah dari telaga, yang kemudiannya dijual kepada seorang lelaki di Mesir. Lelaki itu mengambil Yusuf dalam dan berharap untuk memiliki dia sebagai anak. Kemudian, isteri lelaki itu cuba untuk menggoda Yusuf, tetapi dia menolak. Wanita itu menuduh Yusuf yang mahu menyakiti beliau dan menuntut bahawa dia harus sama ada dihukum dengan teruk atau dihantar ke penjara.


Seorang saksi, selepas Yusuf mempertahankan dia tidak bersalah, membuktikan "jika bajunya koyak dari depan, maka dia telah berkata benar, dan ia adalah dari orang-orang pendusta tetapi jika bajunya koyak dari belakang, maka dia telah berbohong, dan dia adalah orang yang benar. " Baju sememangnya koyak dari belakang. Tidak lama selepas kejadian ini, kaum wanita di bandar berbual bagaimana seorang isteri boleh cuba untuk menggoda Yusuf.

Lalu perempuan itu, isteri 'Az-Aziz mengajak mereka untuk jamuan, memberikan setiap seorang daripada mereka sebilah pisau, dan kemudian memberitahu Yusuf untuk keluar. Wanita melukakan tangan mereka dalam kekaguman. 'Beliau berkata, "Kerana dia lah  kamu menempelak aku  Dan sudah tentu saya ingin menggoda dia, tetapi dia dengan tegas ditolak;. Dan jika dia tidak akan melakukan apa yang saya memerintahkan dia, maka ia akan dipenjarakan dan akan menjadi dari golongan yang hina .

'Yusuf lebih suka ke penjara untuk apa yang mereka panggil lalu dia berdoa kepada Allah. Yusuf dihantar ke penjara. Dalam penjara, Yusuf bertemu dua lelaki yang lain dan menafsirkan salah satu impian banduan. Banduan itu kemudian dibebaskan dan Yusuf meminta banduan lagi bakatnya kepada raja. Tetapi mereka lupa tentang perihal Yusuf dan Yusuf tinggal di penjara selama beberapa tahun.

Pada suatu hari, Raja telah bermimpi, dan banduan yang telah dibebaskan teringat mengenai Yusuf dan menyebut nama Yusuf. Beliau menafsirkan mimpi Raja, iaitu kira-kira Mesir mempunyai kemarau tujuh tahun. Untuk memberi ganjaran kepada beliau, raja meminta dibebaskan dari penjara dan Raja juga menyiasat kesnya. Isteri yang cuba untuk menggoda Yusuf membuktikan bahawa dia tidak bersalah, dan kebenaran itu terungkai.


Yusuf diberi kuasa di Mesir. Semasa kemarau tujuh tahun, saudara Yusuf ke Mesir untuk mendapatkan makanan untuk keluarga mereka. Melihat saudara-saudaranya, Yusuf mengenali mereka walaupun mereka tidak mengenal-Nya.  Yusuf, dalam kedudukan yang tinggi pihak berkuasa, meminta supaya masa yang akan datang mereka datang, mereka membawa adik bongsu mereka Benyamin atau Benyameen dengan mereka (Benjamin) . Apabila saudara kembali dengan adik bongsu mereka, Yusuf membawa dia ke tepi dan memberitahu dia identitinya. Yusuf plot kes kecurian di mana adik bongsunya didapati bersalah mencuri apabila dia benar-benar tidak bersalah dan ditahan dari keluarganya, maka dia boleh tinggal dengan dia. Selepas itu, apabila ayah dan saudara menghadapi kemiskinan mereka kembali kepada Yusuf dan Yusuf kemudian membantu mereka dan mendedahkan identitinya meminta mereka untuk datang dan tinggal dengan dia.

Bersama-sama dengan tiga peristiwa penting yang menandakan wahyu bagi Muhammad, ulama telah menyebut insiden lain yang membawa kepada turunnya surah. Quraisy ingin menguji Muhammad, kerana mereka tidak percaya ilmu-Nya. Mereka tidak percaya kepadanya untuk menjadi nabi dan merancang untuk menipu dia dengan bertanya soalan yang hanya seorang nabi benar akan dapat menjawab. Kisah Yusuf dan saudara-saudaranya, adalah sesuatu yang tidak pernah didengari oleh rakyat Mekah. 

Kisah ini diketahui oleh Kristian dan Yahudi tetapi tidak oleh orang-orang Quraisy. Menceritakan kisah ini akan membuktikan Nabi Muhammad sememangnya Rasul Allah.

********************************************

Ada banyak lagi nilai yang ada dalam surah ni. but what i was attracted yesterday is Who is Yusuf. Is he not arabic? then is he Jewish. ?

so click the link name Joseph in the paragraph. 

and i found a lot of him and his family. 

Their story are not in al-Quran but instead in kitab Taurat or known as the Old Testament.

Also exist in Injil or known as New Testament.

Adalah di ingatkan tidak ada Kitab Taurat,Zabur dan Injil yang asal kerana telah banyak di olah. 

Kitab Taurat dan Injil digabungkan dan kini dinamakan kitab Bible.

So i asked whoever read the following stories in an open mind because these are not from Quran. 

Dalam Alkitab Ibrani, dia adalah anak kepada Ishak dan Rebecca, cucu kepada Nabi Ibrahim, Sarah dan Betuel, dan saudara kembar muda Esau. (Nabi Yakub ada kembar nama Esau).

Yakub mempunyai dua belas anak lelaki dan sekurang-kurangnya seorang anak perempuan, dengan kedua isterinya, Lea dan Rahel, dan oleh dayang mereka Bilha dan Zilpa.


Dua belas anak-anaknya menjadi "suku kaum Israel", dan pertama kali disebut dalam Genesis sebagai: Ruben, Simeon, Lewi, Yehuda, Dan, Naftali, Gad, Asher, Isakhar, Zebulon, Joseph (Yusuf), dan Benyamin (Benjamin)
Dia juga mempunyai seorang anak perempuan, Dinah.


There you go. Nama-nama anak Nabi Yakub.

Isn't it exciting reading all these stories?  :p

Then i found the reason why Nabi Yakub lebih menyayangi Nabi Yusuf.

Kerana Yusuf adalah anak isteri kedua, Rachel yang dia suka dari mula dan ingin mengahwininya tetapi bapa Rachel menukarkan beliau dengan Leah, kakak yang lagi tua because the oldest should get married first.

Only after Jacob married Leah, then he married Rachel.

So , that's why.

Eventually Jacob has four wives and 11 sons.

then he want to go back to Canaan and met his twin again but they are still fighting. That's when Rachel gave birth to Benjamin(her second son) and died.  * I think this is why in Quran Yusuf want Bunyamin(Benjamin) to stay with him : mereka seibu sebapa and scared siblings lain will done the same thing with him.

then about cerita Nabi Yusuf yand diceritakan dalam Quran is also stated in Genesis. (Kitab Ibrani)

Here the story is quite the same. so baca lah sendiri ehh . :P

panjang lagi ceritanya dalam kitab tu n how Yusuf bawa balik Yakub untuk dikebumikan di Canaan bersama saudara yang lain. n how he met Pharaoh(Firaun) and Jacob  name in Genesis is Israel.


boleh tahan jugakla aku explore semalam sampai ke nama-nama isteri dia, nama -nama family lain.
sampai jumpa family tree. eheh -,-'


That's all. Happy Fasting.

An-Najm

Today,
someone post something on Instagram. That made me feel so loved by Allah in an instance.
Here is it.

Then i googled it quickly and the surah is so beautiful. so beautiful.

the first sentences is a beauty. demi bintang. 

The first eighteen verses of this sura are considered to be some of the earliest revelations of the Qur'an. 

These verses address the legitimacy of Muhammad’s prophetic visions. The sura begins with the divine voice swearing by the collapsing star that “Your companion,” referring to Muhammad, has not gone mad, nor does he speak out of his desire. 

Ayat 43. :')

The sura claims that, when it was first narrated by Muhammad in Mecca, all Muslims and non-Muslims who heard the recitation prostrated to God upon its completion due to the effect that the words had upon them.

The sura is also known for referencing the star "shiaaraaaa," or Sirius (Ayat 49).

The surah is distinguished as being the first that required Muslims to prostrate, or perform sajdah, when it is recited, according to Tafsir Ibn Kathir and a number of hadiths. 

source : wikipedia.com,  quran.com

Anemia

low blood pressure.

Anemia. 

I don't know i have that until last year. 

However it didn't occur to me how bad it was until now.

My menstruation cycle is getting worse. again. 

And my body seems to be swollen here and there. 

So i went to see the doctor. 

When i told him where was the swollen part, he asked me, 'did you get your period this month? '

'no.'

'Is it always like that?'

'kind of '

'Do you recall since when?'

'since Matriks. about 4 years already. before that was okay.'

your hormones is unstable. kurang darah. that's why it wont come out. and you always looking pale with 

darck circle under your eyes right?'

'yeah. the dark circle is always there.'

that's how it was. lebih kurang.

so..... i guess jodoh ku dengan makanan  sangat kuat. lulz.

it's time looking for makanan yang menambahkan darah. 

oh i feel so dracula saying that. 

Loser

Loser - Big Bang

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

Honestly, I’ve never fit in with the world
I was always alone
It’s been a long time since I’ve forgotten about love
I can’t listen to hopeful love songs anymore
You and me both
We’re just sad clowns, tamed and scripted
I’ve come too far
I’M COMING HOME
I wanna go back
To when I was young

At some pointI started looking at the ground more than the sky
It’s hard even to breathe
I hold out my hand
But no one holds it
I’m a

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

It’s a cycle of girls and mistakes
Love them for one night
And hate them when morning comes
Can’t own up to it
Because of my selfish pleasure
Everything is being ruined
Can’t stop this dangerous full speed run
Now I have no interest, no fun anymore
I’m standing alone at the edge of a cliff
I’m going home
I wanna go back
To how it was before

At some point
I’ve gotten scared of people’s eyes
I’m sick of crying so I tried smiling
But no one recognizes me
I’m a

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

I curse the blue skies
Sometimes I wanna lay it all down
I WANT TO SAY GOOD BYE
When I stop wandering at the end of this road
I hope I can close my eyes without regrets

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

LOSER
I’M A LOSER
I’M A LOSER
I’M A LOSER

Backpain Gastric

Tiap kali aku sakit,
Tiap kali aku rasa seksanya sakit ni,
Tiap kali aku rasa kenapa aku yang kena rasa sakit ni,
Tiap kali tu juga aku ingat tiap bait kata atuk ni,

"Allah hantarkan kepada kamu penyakit hanya kerana dua sebab,

pertama , saka.

kedua, dosa - dosa besar. "

i know you guys gonna be skeptical on that first reason. since not many people
knowing either they are having it or not, we gonna skip that.

so that second reason is my only strength to endure it.
Hoping that if this is the pain, i'll accept it.

"Sesungguhnya tiap penyakit itu penebus dosa."

sakit weiii backpain gastric. sakit gila T.T . aku pegang sudu sampai bengkok menahan sakit. :'(

Sahur tadi pun berani minum air tamar cocoa je. takut nak makan nasi. takut sakit bertambah. T.T

Ramadhan 2015

Ramadhan 2015.
Semoga jiwamu lebih tenang dari sebelum ini.
Semoga hatimu lebih ikhlas menerima segalanya.
Semoga tiap laku mu sentiasa dilindungi Dia.
:)

Pain will always be there.
No matter how much you deny it,
The pain will always exist.
It's up to you to control it.

Midnight.

It's 25 minutes past midnight now. Anddddd i can't sleep.
I reached home around 10.40pm and i was already on bed as soon i take off my scarf.

I felt asleep.
But then i just woke up realizing i still didn't change my clothes.

I woke up heading to the bathroom, wash my bare face and changed my clothes.

Ready to sleep. Yeah. So much ready.
The blanket was there on me.

Yup.
I'm ready to sleep now.

Anddddd nope.

That's not gonna happen.

I'm writing right here right now.
I should force myself to sleep.

Sunset Glow

If people ask me, why do i became like this?
why do my heart become as broken as this?
why do i feel unstable - impossible to heal like this?

Honestly,
i can't even answer that.
I don't even know myself.
I just don't know.

Because i remember,
i had once asked one of my bestfriend, about all of the things he did that i'm not really fond of, a
and all the things and acts, that i kinda disagree with him.
About how i already lost some trust to him when he did something behind my back that i couldn't believe it.
I feel betrayed. by him.

But amid all of that, i still decide to stay.
To try again.
To hope.
To expect.
To dream.
for we can work things out.

It's weird to wrote 'we'.
because it doesn't exist anymore.
normally, i would be crying by now.
Weeping and pathetically persuading my sorrow heart to let go. to accept.
there's no more 'we' anymore.
but now, i feel numb.
I don't feel it is judicious, it just that i felt dull, flat and callous.

is it normal thing to do?
to feel like this?
to feel like walking on a horizontal emotion?

I'm learning now.
to accept that bad things can happen to you but you still can live normally.
I learn that there is always a first time for everything.
I learn that don't ever mess around with someone ego.
I learn that don't push people to the level they won't feel a thing anymore.
I learn that don't hurt people. Because we are not always become who we are right now.
People change.
Sometimes you'll be the broken one.
And sometimes you are the reason they are broken.


Learn to accept that it is okay not to be okay. We will always evolving to adapt into the environment around us. Our capability to evolve, depends on how well we understand people; and that could not be learn in a day. It takes time to understand people around us, and most of the time, we failed. Not because we are not trying hard enough,
but sometimes they also have their own wall we need to face hardly.

I'm evolving right now. Adapting to a world where there is no 'we' anymore.

Frankly, I'm not sad anymore. I just want to have a life.
Allah gives me a life.
and i should appreciate it.
I'm a soul.
A wanderer.
A wanderer will always be awesome. As they will always move;searching for a world that imperfect but perfect enough for them to live.

I'm not okay. but i will be someday. maybe tomorrow. or another few sunset glow.


you shall be okay too.
you'll be fine too.
yeah you.
the one who reading this.

sweet dreams.

A thank you note for you guys.

Allah gives what you needs the most.
not what you want.
I feel it now.
i see how it works.
and the beauty behind it is spectacular.

Thank you Allah.
for giving me what i need the most.


last few days was the end mark of my study in UTHM.
quite long right?
haha
siapa2 selain tu yang tanya aku  dah habis belum aku jawab  je dah.
reason?
first,sbb malu. haha
second, sbb cerita panjang sgt so better pendekkan soalan2 y bakal ditanya.
so , sorry guys to those yang aku ckp aku dah habis.

My closest friends will know that i still didnt finish my study and graduating with my friends last
year.
but instead i choose to graduate this year.
for some personal reason, yes, after discussing with my mom, my faculty dean and my supervisor,
we all agreed to extend my courses for another year.

so yeah, smlm and kelmarin i present my final year project and alhamdulillah it all ends well :)

frankly, being a software engineer for a year and a half now really teachs me how handle end user, client and customer
quite well. My hand was cold and shaking enough but i know i can do this. I had done this many times with
other clients before i came for this. so yes, that's basically how i endure it for the past two days.


this post i'm gonna dedicate to those who believing in me and being there giving me continous supports
that i couldn't ask for more.

to all my best friends,

Matun Idris, Wahida Muhsin, Nadzirah Azeni and Rosni Emilinda,

thank you. thank you for asking me from time to time on how my progress and i know deep down you all
were worried if I'm gonna do the same mistake i made before. haha
thank you for helping me finish my thesis by sending your thesis to me as reference :P cc:wahida n nad :D
thanks nad dtg johor singgah jumpa aku. i need that. because i miss you guys. and how i wish you guys were all
there to distract me from doing something stupid. bhahaha
thanks emi for your supports even you can't come but i appreaciate it a lot. you have an iv coming
so of course I'm gonna force you went to that Iv .aku doakan kau dpt job tu hehe

to wahida, thank you for keeping tracks on how i'm going right now, and menjadi penasihat utama untuk aku buat benda ni.
haha.
thank you too for listening to my rambling and forcing me siapkan benda ni even knowing how
i'm a mess and in an emotional roller coaster for the past few months. I wish you are near so i can
listen to your story everyday. I miss us duduk rumah sewa n how you gonna membebel bersepah betul baju ang
tak reti nk lipat kaaaa hahahaha

to mat,
thank you for listening to my crying and rambling too and all your advises while you were at your kitchen cooking
for your husband :P sorry Najamuddin selalu curi masa mat waktu malam ! :p
thank you for sama2 teman aku ponteng kerja, kahkahkahkah sebab aku terlalu serabut dengan segalanya sampai nak
berhenti kerja.
and thank you for being there for the past 5 years you know me, i was in pain in these few months and you were there
ready to listen my stupid rambling and stuff. because for you, it's not a rambling, it's an attention you need
to give me, to heal me, to calm me down.
And for that, thank you :')

and lastly,
azwan..thank you. i don't know how to say it more. i owe you big. Budi yang tak terbalas.
2013 when i was a practical student.
2014 i started working here and became his officemate.
2015 he left from our office and accepting another offer from other company. but that is when we become closer.

I was heartbroken. I called him crying in the car telling him how I'm in excruciating pain because of love.
He was there since day one.
He listen till 2 or 3 am giving advises from a MAN point of view.
He stay with me, arguing opinion with me, being mad with me because i did things he forbid, but he still
there listening to my stupid and pathetic emotional script again and again.
I know sometimes he just malas nak layan sbb dia pun byk kerja but still, he stay walau annoying mcm mana pun nak layan yana yang tengah emosi mcm biskut. kejap emosi,kejap tak,kejap okay, kejap nangis. lulz.

I owe him big because he's the one who help me to finish my project.
He's the one who stayed untill 3 or 4 am to finish the programme.
Basically he did it all.
I didnt scared to tell people, it was all him because that's the truth.
I just did a little betulkan some places and siapkan documentation for the thesis.

because that moment, that meantime yang aku patut buat kerja tu semua, i couldn't.
I was too devastated. I cried to sleep. i woke up feelingless. i went to work do my stuff
but after that, i became another person again.i keep weeping and asking why this would happen to me.
Nothing in here. in me.There's a hole that whatever i do, it just keep growing back again n again.
if i went out, the pain is there looking all the places we have been together before.
n i would thinking on how he would spent her time with his new girl.
Damn. even writing it enough to give my heart a pain.

Thank you wan.. for the past two days hanya kau je yang text aku tiap jam, tanya progress..

"how yana?
"ok tak yana?"
"cmne yana?"
"so cmne skrg?"
"bos aku tgh kat sebelah skrg, xdpt nk cek isu y kau ckp tu"
"da lepas belum yana?"

and frankly, sumpah aku rasa nak nangis gila wan. even mak aku pun tak mesej macam tu. mmg ngalir air mata dah.
thank you so much.
even kau kerja, even tgh meeting pun aku tahu kau pk pasal progress aku sbb abes je meeting kau text aku.

i was glad Allah sent you to help me. Because i do trust you. You won't let me fight this battle alone.

I'm also glad i have you as my friend.
You are like a brother that i never have.
Thanks. Thanks wan.
Aku doakan segala urusan kau, kebahagiaan kau dipermudahkan Allah. :')

and to my mom,
thank you for being such an understanding person.
i know i couldn't finish my degree in time but i will this year insyaAllah.

to Dr Nazri, i know he won't read this, but still thank you.
Dekan yang paling baik aku pernah jumpa.
He assign me to Dr Aizi as my supervisor because they planned to let me finish my FYP easily so i can finish
my study a.s.a.p

Thank you Dr Nazri. Saya doakan Dr dan keluarga Dr sentiasa dilindungi Allah.

Thank you Dr Aizi sbb memahami. smlm aku jumpa dia nk bagitahu aku da habis present pada dua2 panel, Dr Nazri (yeah i asked him to be my panel) and Dr Rathiah. He smiled and wish me luck for my future coming.
Thank you Dr Aizi, Semoga Dr dan keluarga juga sentiasa dilindungi Allah.

these people who helped through my journey inspired me to do something better in my life.
Thank you so much :')

and behind all of these people,
Thank you Allah for letting them being there in my life, arranging the order of my story
and let me learn that you will always give me what i need.
not what i want.

la haula wa quwata illabillah. :')

I'm tired.
in the middle of waiting right now. i'm hoping for some miracle.

since Day One

for things that happen till today,
i want you to believe that this is what was written in your journey.
you were being selected to undergo this since roh ditiupkan ke jasad sendiri.
that is why this saying exist,

"Allah tidak akan menguji hambanya di luar kemampuan"

because He create this story for you.
He knows you can since Day 1.
He knows.

Every roads taken,
every roads not taken,
Every roses,
every thorns,
every 'I can't do it'
every 'I can do it'
He knows.
He just knows.

Why He do that?
Because you are His greatest creation.
This, in this world, is nothing to compare what he would give at the end.
The ultimate love to those who love Him unconditionally.

He knows you can since Day 1.
Ikhlas terimanya.
Ikhlas hadapinya.
Ikhlas menyayangi-Nya.

Selamat menjadi lebih kuat, Liyana ! :D

Why Not Dating Dulu Baru Kahwin?

There is a glossary at the end of this article on certain scientific terms and Malay termswhich may help the reader to understand the article better. 

When you hear about “kahwin dulu, baru dating“, probably in your mind you will be thinking about a guy with a kopiah 24 hours on his head marrying a girl who wear the tudung labuh or even a niqaab, better known as purdah at Malaysia. Your first instinct will also probably be, “I pray, I fast, I wear tudung, but I am not these extreme ‘alim people. I need to get to know my partner for life inside out. So, I need to date him, to know whether we are serasi or not.” I perfectly understand your concern. I understand that you are not ‘crazy’ enough to just jump into a marriage without knowing who your partner really is. So in the end, this kahwin dulu baru dating trend becomes an exclusive thing among people who are active in dakwah and jemaah, while the muslim masses are walking together holding hands or ‘hanging out’ at restaurants at KLCC, Mid Valley, etc. Some of these people are perhaps incurable, but I believe some just don’t get how kahwin dulu baru dating can actually work. I will try my best to show you that kahwin dulu baru dating actually works, and romantic love is hogwash in supposedly spotting the ideal partner for a long-lasting marriage.

Firstly, I have heard about people mocking about those who had successful marriage through matchmake as just being ‘lucky’. To set the record straight, according to National Geographic, the divorce rate of the Western world which embraces total romantic love is around 50 to 60% - a healthy percentage indeed! So, even if you start your marriage with romantic love, the probability for it to last untill death-do-you-apart is less than half. I would like to call upon those ardent defender of romantic love to pause for awhile and enjoy this statistics before proceeding to conjure some pseudo theories about the advantages of having romantic love - you can’t fool the figures. I would say that the western society has 1001 flaws in keeping a safe household and those ‘other factors’ surely contribute to the statistics, but the fact still remain that romantic love fails to spot these people’s partner for life. According to a study done by Utusan Malaysia, our country also has a divorce rate of 54% and our society is practically westernised with majority embracing romantic love - although maybe not the type that ends up on the bed. So it’s the same old story, statistics wise.

Some people say we need to know whether we have ‘chemistry’ through countless dates, hang outs, and spending a lot of time together. Going through a person’s ‘CV’, peer opinion or recommendation, observing her/him in public, and a brief get-to-know session are just not enough. We know that during this courting period, everyone pijak semut pon tak mati, and you will always forgive your partner’s shortcoming no matter how big they are, simply because you are madly in love. How many times have we heard about glitch-free Pakwe 1.0 who eventually turned into Husband 1.0 with lots of viruses and trojan horses? Also note that I am not saying go into a marriage with someone you know you don’t like, but I am saying you don’t need these romantic craps to know a person through and through. The fact is you won’t really know a person unless you live, eat, and sleep with him or her.

I wonder how Amazon.com can make big bucks, if everyone really insist in browsing through a book before buying it. Worst still, this book has a lot of pages written in magic invisible ink that will only show up after you buy it! So you never really know what you are buying. What if good reviews, high-praise critics, and best sellers are not enough for one to make a decision to buy a book? I admit that drawing an analogy between life partner with a book just doesn’t make sense at all. Let’s get scientific. So what really is this thing called love? Anthropologist Helen Fisher, a professor at Rutgers University, has conducted an extensive research on the biochemical pathways of love in all its manifestations: lust, romance, attachment, the way they start and wane, etc. Here is part of what her research is about:-

“After doing MRI on the brain of two lovers - they had been ‘madly in love’ for seven months during that time - she found out that parts of brain linked up to reward and pleasure - the ventral tegnmental area and the caudate nucleus- lit up. What excited Fisher most was not so much finding a location, an address, for love as tracing its specific chemical pathways. Love lights up the caudate nucleus because it is home to a dense spread of receptors for a neurotransmitter called dopamine, which Fisher came to think of as part of our own endogenous love potion. In the right proportions, dopamine creates intense energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation to win rewards. It is why, when you are newly in love, you can stay up all night, watch the sun rise, run a race, ski fast down a slope ordinarily too steep for your skill. Love makes you bold, makes you bright, makes you run real risks, which you sometimes survive, and sometimes you don’t.” [The Chemistry of Love, National Geographic]

Sounds familiar? Mind you that mentally-ill people also shows high amount of dopamine in their brain, and scientists cannot tell apart one who is mentally-ill and one who is ‘madly in love’ by just MRIing their brains. Cool, right? The meaning of ‘madly in love’ is more real than what we think of, as the brain chemistry of infatuation is indeed akin to mental illness. Tak heran la, pijak semut pon tak mati, lautan api pon akan ku redah, dan gunung tinggi mana pon akan ku daki. Do you think an orang gila can make a sound judgement? The fact is, when you are in deep romantic obsession, you just want to win rewards from your partner due to the excessive dopamines, not objectively finding faults in him or her as you claim. Of course nobody is perfect, there is no point in finding every faults in your partner, and supposedly marriage is about reconciling differences and accepting the fact that your partner is another human being, inescapable from making mistakes. What I am stressing here is that dating and hanging out are for mere pleasures, not finding the right partner. How can something that is similar to mental-illness becomes a reliable way to make your decision of a lifetime? So am I still not convincing? Let’s hear further what Dr. Helen Fischer has to say about the chemistry of love:-

“Most scientist who studied love, divide it into three segments: lust, romantic obsession, and attachment. The first stage of it which is lust which is actually the sex drive. One of the things that men like about women is their waist to hip ratio, which according to scientists, the desirable waist to hip ratio is point seven. woman are attracted to man with broad shoulders and rugged features, all showing a great deal of testosterone. The second stage of love is romantic passion, and the same chemcals are involved when a person is in love is when they are high on Amphetamine [dopamine stimulus] , and the scientists are speculating that it ends after about four years, and that’s because that is the amount of time that it takes for a human baby to become ‘viable’. And two things happen, either the couple separate or they stay together in long term relationship. That third stage is called attachment and there is a different chemical in brain that is involved in a long-term relationship, which is called oxytocin, and that causes one to feel very calm and soothe. Emily and Brian of Ohio had been married for 60 years and have twenty children. They were to me sort of perfect example of this long-term relationship attachment.” [The Chemistry of Love, National Geographic]

So, according to scientists, this romantic passion can only last at maximum for four years, but they don’t quite know why yet - biology is always vague. Some say that the human body just can’t stand the state of high in dopamine for so long because it deteriorates the body, while some gave the theory that four years is the maximum time span for a couple to have their first baby, so they need to get ’serious’. Whatever it is, no wonder a lot of people complain that their once glitch-free Pakwe 1.0 turned into Husband 1.0 with lots of viruses and trojan horses. Another thing to point out is that couples who are in long-term relationship show high amount of oxytocin in their brains, which is a totally different chemical from dopamine. Oxytocin is also present when you have good relationships with your parents, brothers, sisters, and friends. So what makes a relationship last long is this feeling of attachment to your partner like you have for your parents, friends, and family, not the romantic passion during courtship. It is interesting to note that oxytocin causes one to feel very calm and soothe, while dopamine creates intense energy, exhilaration, focused attention, and motivation to win rewards. There is no similarity at all between these two chemicals; in fact, their purposes are actually the opposite to each other. So only a fool would think that romantic passion is the mechanism that should be used to find a suitable partner. It is like trying to use a hammer to cut your finger nail.

“And those who say: “Our Lord! Bestow on us from our wives and our offspring the comfort of our eyes, and make us leaders of those who have Taqwa.” [Qur'an 25:74]

Is qurrota a’yun (comfort of our eyes) mentioned in the Qur’an, the feeling of calm and soothe (triggered by oxytocin) that is presence when a relationship is based on attachment? Finally, let’s listen to what Jody Cobb, the photographer of National Geographic magazine who wrote the article The Chemistry of Love, has to say about her impossible task: Photographing love:-

“I didn’t want to just photograph weddings, that I think is what is expected. I didn’t want to do a valentine, I didn’t want to do a hallmark card. The notion of love because anyone who has ever really been in love knows that, that’s not the reality. So I was very much interested to show real life and cultures all over the world. And women are becoming educated and wanting to make their own choices in mate selection, things are changing really fast. And just like in the West, where we trully believe in love and romance and happily ever after, we still have a 50-60% divorce rate.” [The Chemistry of Love, National Geographic]

It is pretty clear now that dating dulu baru kahwin doesn’t come even close to ensure a happily-ever-after relationship. Ironically, those ‘extreme ‘alim people’ are the ones who understand real love and real life, not those Casanovas. Do note that I am not saying if you kahwin baru baru dating then your marriage will last forever, but if you dating dulu baru kahwin then you are doom to failure. I am simply pointing out that romantic passion has nothing to do about spoting the ‘right person’ in your life. It is also true that incompatibility may happen between two persons, like there is just no chemistry between the two of you. The point is, you don’t need to go on countless hang outs to spot that. You don’t need to overload your neuropathways with excessive dopamine to find the supposedly elusive chemistry. It is common sense: You sit down and talk with a person for 15 minutes and you’ll know whether you can get along with that person or not. I am talking in general, meaning even with a stranger who you want to make him as your friend, not just your life partner. As for the opposite gender, more than that, it is the evil desire from your nafs. Of course, if you are still in doubt, go through the person’s ‘CV’, find peer opinion or recommendation about that person, observe her/him in public, and so on and so forth, as long as it is according to the syariah. Whatever you do, don’t get mentally-ill. In the end, you still have to ride all the gelora after the romantic passion dies out and you dah kahwin - Husband 1.0 and Wife 1.0. Last piece of advice: Ride them with oxytocin, not dopamine, ok? Above all, bring along taqwa, inshaAllah it will be pretty smooth sailing.

“I love you because of your religion. If you let go of your religion, then I have to let go of my love for you” Imam Nawawi.

Glossary:

Scientific terms:

Neurotransmitters - are chemicals that are used to relay, amplify and modulate electrical signals between a neuron (brain/nervous system cells) and another cell.

Dopamine - Dopamine is a neurotrasmitter and it has many functions in the brain. Most importantly, dopamine is central to the reward system. Dopamine is commonly associated with the pleasure system of the brain, providing feelings of enjoyment and reinforcement to motivate a person proactively to perform certain activities. Dopamine is released by naturally rewarding experiences such as food and sex. Disruption to the dopamine system has also been strongly linked to psychosis and schizoprenia, with abnormally high dopamine action apparently leading to these conditions. Now you can see the link between sex/romantic passion and psychosis.

Oxytocin - Oxytocin is a mamalian hormone that also acts as a neurotransmitter in the brain. In the brain, oxytocin is involved in social recognition and bonding, and might be involved in the formation of trust between people. Oxytocin is also an important hormone for women for various reasons, but in this article I am focusing on the function of oxytocin in the brain.

MRI - MRI stands for Magnetic resonance imaging, which is a non-invasive method used to render images of the inside of an object. In this particular case, it is used to render images inside of the brain.

Malay terms:

kahwin dulu baru dating - A loose translation would be: Marriage first, only then comes dating.

dating dulu baru kawhin - A loose translation would be: Dating first, only then comes marriage

tudung - hijab

serasi - compatible

pijak semut pon tak mati - Literally it means: Even if you step on an ant, the ant won’t die. What it actually means is someone who control his behavior to give a false, good impression during dating.

pakwe - boyfriend

Tak heran la, pijak semut pon tak mati, lautan api pon akan ku redah, dan gunung tingga mana pon akan ku daki - Literally it means: No wonder he steps on an ant, the ant won’t die, and he will say, “I will cross a fiery ocean for your sake, I will climb the tallest mountain for your sake.” I guess you get the meaning already

References:

1. Slater, Lauren. The Chemistry of Love. National Geographic Magazine, February 2006

2. Fisher, Helen. Why We Love: The Nature and Chemistry of Romantic Love. Henry Holt and Company, 2004.



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Original site:
http://kakiblog.com/2007/06/09/why-not-dating-dulu-baru-kahwin/

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i used to read it and deny it.
Deny,deny and deny.
In denial.
But now.. i think.
re think.
and i don't know.
rethink again ?