silence.

i keep in silence.
not because i wanna run away.
but because i'm trying to get a grip here.
now.

.

I am a mean person.
I am.
Indeed.
Forgive me.
or maybe you don't have to.
because i am the evil one.
i'll accept that.

Jangan terlalu.

It's true what they have said.


Jangan terlalu sayang.
Jangan terlalu benci.
Nanti makan diri.
Wait a minute.
someone really said this to me.
hmmm.

and.
Jangan judge people cepat sangat.
coz you'll never know bila kena batang hidung sendiri.
demmit.
I'm facing it now.

100 days

Last thursday, 1 Rejab,
genap 100 hari atuk dah tak ada.
My heart did cried.
But i dont want to show any tears.

for i believe atuk is always there.
Living his soul.
Dengan segala tugas yang diberi.


"Along, nanti atuk dah sihat, macam dilahirkan semula taw. tak ada sakit, macam orang muda lagi. Tapi nanti bila atuk dah sihat, atuk tak duduk sini dah. Atuk tak balik lagi dah. Kita tak boleh jumpa atuk dah. Balik pun jarang-jarang. Sebab Atuk ada tugas Allah bagi. untuk kelilingi dunia. Tolong mereka yang betul-betul memerlukan dgn izin Allah. Jadi masa ni la kita kena rapat dengan atuk. Nanti atuk dah sihat, atuk tak balik sini dah. "

That's what everyone said basically since atuk jatuh sakit. And itu pun atuk yang cakap.
Tak ada sorang pun yang mampu digest kata-kata kiasan atuk.
including me yang rasa tak logik langsung kata kata tu. sebab atuk dah tua. macam mana nak jadi muda balik. Atuk cant even walk. How he's gonna be young again.
no one. No one realized there is a way actually.
Which is perpisahan antara roh dan jasad.

When atuk left, after that we realised what is he trying to say to us for the past year.
It's true.
Atuk dah sihat.
He wont come back.
Datang utk melawat. Itupun sekejap.



Along rindu atuk.
sangat - sangat.

I Like You.

All of us, facing such a difficulties when it comes to love. Love is always an exquisite things to discuss. And difficult to learn. I learn to love a guy at such a young age. Fourteen. yes. fourteen. The age of the naive-but-eager-to-conquer-the-life-everyone-was-catching up-to. To think it back again, how absurd i was imagining this was the love i want. This is what i need. Teenagers. I was young. Mistake were made and regrets were born.

The way I perceive love change within time. all the friction that creates the fault lines in our relationship exist as we expect to much and doesn't match up to what we hope to get with also the mind that digest a fact that we think we get the love we deserve.

I learn today that it's not about either we are in love with someone, it's the drama that come along with being in love. the nuances. the screen of unthinkable plot that already happen in us. It is how we are in love. It is the slight uncertainty we're are told we shouldn't have. We accept that someone without such-certain-thing-you-need could come along and be better that what they have now. We believe that there is better out there. The impulse exist in us to try something else. To learn some fact that one of the human being out there is what we need.

And ever last of us can admit to knowing what it's like to be circling through these path and notions,
trapped between loving someone and wanting to choose otherwise.

Because we have that one problem.
We fail to realize that the heart is not a one time expanded thing.
You can't put someone in it and expect it to fill,to heal and to patch the broken pieces. the scarred contours. The struggle is there. When we leave, even we love them , and we fight, even though we love them, and we do too many wrong things to them, even though we love them, and it's not because we don't love them enough. It's just the way we perceive the love. It's just the way we treat the love expecting it will coexist there. Expecting it will be better.

Like what i had done.
I lost someone i love dearly when i was fourteen. There is a space in me searching and yearning to be filled. i picked the easiest way. find somebody-someone else to hold. so young. Such emptiness. But it never filled me.

When i was free, starting to learn living by myself out here, i felt the hole again. the needs to be love by someone out there. I searched, and searched, and searched. I met him. I did. I said the word. I love you. without thinking the impact it would made in me. I was naive to know that it was too soon or to heavy to bear those words.

Things were amazing with no flaws or defect. Perfect in our own way. For several years. for a while.
Until Atuk left. He left me. He passed away.
Again. I lost all the sense to live. I was in very dark room looking for a way out without a single light to hold me again. I sensed fear. Masked by the smile and pretending i am still obligated to the words i choose to say to him few years ago. I ran away. The thread is there. But it just hanging. Waiting for me to fix it back. But my heart wasn't there anymore. I doubt. I flinched. I want something else. Will it be okay.

I learn to love myself. I learn to hold back. Day by day , moment by moment, searching the missing pieces i needed, looking for a thing that i would never know if it would exist or not. We can expect that our hearts are able to hold more than one thing, more than one person, more than one feeling — but we cannot expect that they’ll all coexist perfectly. Love grows, and it grows you from the inside out. It expands you, but the expansion doesn’t eliminate whatever else was there beforehand.

So it doesn’t always look the way we think it should. There are hidden spaces and depths within us, and love sometimes comes out differently when it creates the echo of going through those parts of us as well.

Then. Something happen.
"I don't know. I just really comfortable being friend with you."
I know he wrote it with a smile. I looked at my phone screen. Thinking how to achieve my happiness on my own. I nodded.

I want to do it on my own way this time. I choose to learn to say it's okay learning the truth bout other soul first rather than incompetently saying he's the one i need.
I want to learn to say 'I like you' instead of 'I love you'. For i believe i need to learn liking people first before loving them. So i will not have those moments of over thinking either everything will be fine or not. Are his life will be better with me here or not. Will he getting a job or not. Will he start to plan or not. And i will have expectation , waiting patiently for he will decide either we are okay or not.

 We are not inherently whole once we’ve found another person to fit into us. Nobody can do that for us. We have to fill those spaces ourselves.So sometimes it goes misunderstood. But the comfort is in knowing that it’s not what we misunderstand about love as much as it is about how we let the misunderstanding open and expand us. It was us who created the love.

The only matter is that we let love do what it’s supposed to: give us more of it, even — and probably especially — when it means we have to take it for ourselves. Sometimes we choose people to show us the hidden parts of ourselves. Sometimes we choose people who we know will hurt us. Sometimes it’s the only way we can be acquainted with our inner beings, and even though we don’t understand it, it’s often the most honest, beautiful way we love ourselves too.

I want to learn to say 'I like you' first.
So i could have the time to see and touch someone soul a bit by bit.
So i could have the time to know something new about them.
So i could have the time to say i like this thing about them and what i like about me too.
and also what i don't like about them and learn to accept them first.
So i could have the time to love them.
Until then,
i want things to be this way.
I like you. Until we get there.













p/s : some of these beautiful words i read somewhere. Kudos to them for stating the exact words in my mind.

MH370 : The Tragic News

that was the first thing i saw on tv about the flight MH370.

it was heartbreaking.

berderau darah.

terkesima

i don't know why. 

even bukan family or friends but still we do feel impact. 

because it was more than 30 years we havent experience anything like that before .

the latest one was last year. that small airplane.

and incident Tg Kupang. 

itupun tak lahir lg weh .

i was eager to know the news.

but nothing. 

the press kept showing the same information over and over again .

so, i decided to check on forum by forum. 

3 forum :

airliners.net

www.airliners.net%2Faviationforums%2Fgeneral_aviation%2Fread.main%2F6013944%2F&h=yAQFI4mOV

forum cari - mforum.cari.com.my

and

reddit.com.

but reddit are much more interesting to read for me.

a lot of speculation. 

but it cant be disclose yet.

:'(

coordination of lost contact in google maps:

Emergency rescue message to all vessels near by to assist on all aircraft.

i give my condolences to all of their family and friends :(

the purest heart

last two weeks,

when i was home, resting watching the television, something happened. 

i dont know how to tell about it exactly but after that moment, i realized what does a pure heart mean, who would feel it, how and why.

as usual i was laying down in front of the television, and my 11 y/o lil brother sitting next to me.

he seemed kinda boring with what i watch. then, he took the tafsir alquran that ayong left on the cabinet next to us when she was dok hafal surah utk baca kat ustazah.

so iwan took it, sat back right at me. 

he opened it and kept quiet.

it's not like dia tak pernah mengaji ke apa. but maybe selama ni dia tak pernah baca yang tafsir punya. 

i didnt know what he was up into at first but then he called me.

with his face yang macam ketakutan, macam baru nampak something yang cukup buat dia tergamam, mata dia yang macam nak menangis,

iwan : kakak, iwan takut la baca ayat ni.

i feel kinda weird. apa yang dia baca sampai macam ni skali reaksi dia. 

me : apa dia? meh akak tengok. 

iwan : ni ha, cuba akak baca.

and i read it. 

it was surah taha. page yang hanya ada ayat 1 sampai 5.

andddddddddddddd i was upset.

because i didnt felt anything. nothing. none. 

langsung tak ada apa apa feeling.

i just read the tafsir as usual.

then i asked him again,

me: yang ni ke? 1 sampai 5 ni?

iwan : a'ah. iwan takutlah.

me : adik faham ke maksud ayat ni ckp pasal apa?

iwan : tak. baca bahasa melayu je. tak faham pun apa dia ckp tp iwan takutla nak baca lg.

dahla iwan nak pergi main.

he closed the tafsir and rushed outside nak pergi main game rumah amir.

just like nothing happened.

and i was stuck there thinking why i didnt feel anything.

literally anything.

why only he felt that.

i was amused how it trapped his heart. until today i still remember the way he looked at me and saying, 

"kakak,iwan takut la baca ayat ni"