coldness.

sejuk gila bak hangggg
it is already cold here at night.
tambah lg dgn angin siberia.
sejukkkkkkkkkk

i slept with 3 pillow on my body last night to endure the coldness.

even cici workout now is only sleeping. -,-'

7 hari selepas jiwa saya pergi.

last saturday, cukup 7 hari atuk dah tak ada.
and we are still tremendously sad.
the first three days are the hardest.

crying all the time.
swollen eyes.
and blurry minds.

outsiders would never understand what atuk really means to us.
he was the one that willing to save us years ago.
when no one really unable to help us, to give us the protection,
tempat berlindung dan tempat bergantung . :'(
Allah sent him to save us and other people yang betul2 memerlukan.

i still remember the first time i met atuk.
he still look like a stranger to me.
it was never occur in my mind he would be this important to my life.

berubat.berubat dengan atuk lain caranya.
tanpa sebarang tangkal.
tanpa sebarang pantang larang.
hanya bergantung kepada kekuatan diri.
dan bacaan ayat al quran serta zikir yang perlu dibaca sendiri.
menjadi pelindung diri.

the second time we came,
atuk said we have to move out from the current house.
because the plan of that evil-jerk was to kill us all.
satu keluarga.
the pain. the pain was excruciating. enough to make me pray to Allah please take my life now if this what i would go through until i die.
if we stay outside, no one would knows what would happen to us.

we moved here.
it takes time to adjust,
from having everything, we have come to nothing.
it is hard. but , to stay alive, we need to pay for it. we need to stay strong.
atuk teach me, us, how to stay strong.
"be patient along. Allah ada.atuk ada." that's what he said.
and that moment also, i realized,
everything comes with a price. take it or leave it.

in matriks,
there was one time, the pain came. too painful to remember.
mom said, atuk ubatkan dari jauh.
tapi atuk pesan,
"suruh along baca surah maryam dua kali tiap hari kalau boleh"
the first night i read it, it took me 2 hours and a half to finish it.
because on every sentences i was attacked.
i never got to finish a sentences sekali. mesti ulang 5 6 kali sbb tak betul.

only after matriks i became fond to atuk. i want to get close.
i still remember how i would sat next to him and start the conversation with
"atuk dah makan?"

atuk orang jawa.
and someone told me that atuk adalah keturunan wali songo. wali songo ada 9 kan.
he's the one the descendent from no 7.
i never ask him about it.
but i always think it is true looking how gentle he treat people.

i was eighteen back then.
with jawa accent,
"atuk suka along. along tahu apa along layak dapat, apa yang along layak minta, apa yang along layak suka. tapi sayang, jiwa along baru empat belas tahun. along tak ada ayah, tak ada atuk untuk memberi perlindungan, untuk memberi nasihat, tak apa. atuk ni ada."
i want to cry. i want to cry like hell. but i kept it. because i know everything he said was true.
well the first few sentences i believed he was treating me. merawat secara psikologi.
if he not said that, he wont got my attention. :')

i did asked atuk, atuk sebenarnya apa? siapa? macam mana atuk boleh ubat orang?

"atuk ditugaskan oleh Allah untuk menjaga bahagian Nusantara. (seperti memantau) atuk perlu tolong mereka yang benar2 memerlukan pertolongan. semuanya dengan izin Allah"

:')

i kept quiet. thinking how big that role is to someone yang juga manusia.
yang punya hati dan perasaan.
yang perlu tenaga setiap masa.


then i went to university.
even jarak 1-2 jam je dari rumah tapi jarang sangat balik.
that was the time when i get too far from him.
i was too dreamy in my own world.
sibuk sangat nak bercinta kannnn.

atuk never judged me for what sins and faults that i did.
i know he knows.
and he know i knows.
i was too arrogant.
thinking how i will always have time for more bertaubat ke, beramal ke.
i was too stupid.

only when i had my practical near to my house, i started to approach him back.
i know segala bui atuk tak kan pernah terbalas.
segala kekuatan yang diberi,
segala semangat yang di sampaikan
segala tenaga yang dicurahkan
takkan mampu terbayar.

cikgu N**** said, atuk bahagia sangat kat sana.
daripada atuk terseksa sakit kat sini, lebih baik terpisah dgn jasad.
macam mana sejuknya kita kat sini, macam tu la atuk bahagia kat sana.


i still remember, atuk said,
"kita sebagai orang islam ada tiga nur yang perlu dijaga.
pertama, solat,
kedua, mengaji al-quran
ketiga, berzikir.
cukup ketiga2 tu, insyaAllah semuanya baik2 sahaja."

"kalau kamu dapat lihat setiap zikir kamu itu, cantik sangat. tiap zikrullah itu seperti butir- butir bintang yang naik ke langit. betapa bercahayanya. "

you must be tengah imagining bintang naik ke langit kan? :')
me too.

i was devastated sbb tak pernah tanya atuk berapa zikir yang along kalau boleh buat everyday.

like my mom, she need to zikir 6000x sehari. itupun sebab mak bekerja.
kalau tak bekerja, macam my neighbour, atuk said 12000x sehari.

kalimah lailahailallah itu sangat kuat. sangat besar.
once ia dah hidup dalam hati, that is our pendinding.
bukan tangkal.
bukan ayat2 atas kertas buat simpan dalam poket ke baju. bukan.
that is one thing atuk said.
atuk cuma boleh tolong ubatkan, tapi pendinding diri kita lepas tu, kena usaha sendiri.

i miss listening to atuk voice. :'(


i know some of you who are reading this, mesti ada rasa sangsi.
keep on feeling like that.
tak salah.
everyone have their own story.
you believe what you want to believe.
you see what you want to see.
but dont condemn other people for what they had gone through and had feel every single single moment yang memang real.


this is my story about atuk, the man i adored so much.
thank you for everything,atuk :'(.

nyawa

atuk betul2 dah tak ada :'(
along nak buat apa ni tuk.
along tak tahu nak buat apa :'(

halalkan makan minum along tuk.
along minta maaf if selama ni along ada buat atuk sakit hati,benci, menyampah dgn along.

along sayang atuk. sayang sangat2.
dulu Allah hantar atuk jadi penyelamat kami, sekarang atuk dah tak ada.

tak ada siapa boleh ganti atuk.
walaupun atuk bukan darah daging along, tapi along sayang atuk mcm ayah sendiri.

along ralat sgt. along mimpi atuk sedih along tak jumpa atuk.
along cerita kat mokcik, mokcik kata atuk mmg tak sihat,banyak buat perangai bebudak tp dia kata itu perkara biasa.
hari2 along lalu dpn atuk tp skali pun along tak pergi urut atuk.
along cuma nak maklumkan along dah keluar suluk jekan. lpas tu tak ada dah.

along minta maaf tuk. along minta maaf.
kalau along doa,atuk pun dgr kan.
jgn lupakan along ye tuk.
tggu along.
along rindu atuk sgt2.

2014.

pejam celik pejam celik harini dah 5 januari.
rasa macam sekejap je dah mula tahun baru.
and aku rasa macam tak cukup masa. tak cukup masa nak stelkan semua benda yang perlu disetelkan.

azam baru?
finish the unsettle business.

it's a goodbye.

It's a goodbye today.
My six months is finished.
i'm supposed to be happy. but i am sad.
but not because i didn't get what i want,
but it's just they are so nice to me,
good enough to talk to me, accept me in their circle,
put me on the same table as they are,
laughed with me,
gossiping with me,
let me walks around when i am bored,
teach me how to interact with people around,
teach me how to do this or that,
accept my flaws, (or maybe not and they keep it low, hehe :) )

this is my first time experiencing the new environment with a lot of stories and plot.
this is life.
to say hye.
and also goodbyes.

yes, i am sad.

:'(

Her Pandora.

Her Pandora is my first try to start a new hobby. Moreover, i do think my essay writing skills need a comeback. Banyak benda nak kena asah balik. Banyak grammars yang tak betul i think. but hey, it's my first try :)

p/s : yes i wrote it. It was full of cheesy mellow things i guess. haha. I got the idea for this short stories when i was too bored and start writing on my notebook. 

Writing on a paper does give you the shiver, the impact moment of idea came flowing out into my mind. 

_________________________________________________________________

***********************************************************************************

The door was closed. She walked in slowly and searching the bed for what he’s been hiding from her. She know there was something fishy. But she just don’t know why and where. She took the blanket away, lift the bed, put away the pillow, still, there was nothing. 
Except…
She checks under the pillow. Unzipped it, she found a small hole, she was exited. This was it. She touched something. 
A key.
A key. For two days she's been thinking, either to ask him or not. Their marriage is only three months now but things like this already happened. Why was he hiding it from her so much? Is it something important? Or something bad? Am I being so gullible?
That’s it. I’m going to face him when he gets home.

***************

“Honey, I’m home.” His voice is ringing like a door bell. It was the sweetest sound she heard today. 
“I’m here. In the bedroom” As soon as he arrived upstairs, she took his bag, gave him his towels for him to take a bath and she walked to the kitchen to prepare his dinner. 
She’s been thinking what is the appropriate sentences to start the conversation. She’s been plotting the best scene on how to get his attention while telling him how she found the key. She cleaned the table put the plates and the glasses with the cutlery there. A casserole of spaghetti and meatballs were served when he arrived at the table.

“it is Tuesday today. So we are having spaghetti and meatballs. Is it okay for you dear?”

He smiled.“ it is okay honey.” 

He walked to the refrigerator to take the orange juice bottle and pour it into her glass first then his.  She said thanks and start to think this is the best time maybe. Or maybe she is just eager to ask. 

“Dear, this morning I was cleaning our room.” She lied. It was two days ago. “I changed our bed sheet and also the pillow case. Guess what I found?”

“A key. I found a key.” 

He shuddered but keep eating his food. 

“Do you know anything about the key dear?”

“I don’t know. We have a lot of keys in this house aren't we? Hey, maybe that’s the key that was missing before. I wonder how it get there.” He didn't even look into her eyes. 

She gave him a sharp look. But still she managed to calm herself down. “but I found it in your pillow. Not even next to it, under it or even on top of it. It was inside it, inside the pillow.”

“Well, well, well, impressive. I don’t know I married a detective now” he smiled.

“A woman can change her profession anytime she want based on what her husband do. Don’t you know that?” She rolled her eyes and laughing. She didn't even touch the food.

“I think I am full already. Let’s do something fun !” He’s laughing and looked at her softly while clasping both of his hand under his chin. He tried to escape with that gesture.

She inhaled and exhaled deeply. Trying to calm herself down. Well, he knows her weakness but she need to overcome that now. Her eyes became furious while looking at him.

“Wow, wow, wow. Okay, Okay. I’ll tell you." He's been thinking for a second what he would do next.

" Hmmmmm. Come, follow me. Please don’t do that eyes again.” He smirked and stand up ready to hold her hand. 

She accept his hand, followed his back. Without her knowing, there is an obnoxious smile came from him. To be frank, he was scared, jittery and embarrassed at the same time. He was thinking what he would explain to her just to make everything seems perfect in her eyes.

For her, she had been thinking all the possibilities what would happen next. Is he was not what I expect him to be? Is he having a second life like what I watched in the TV last night? Am I the third wheel like the novel I read before? Or maybe that’s just the key from his work. Or his hobby. But why is he been hiding it from me? Maybe. Or maybe he had done something wrong that I should never know. 

“Urghhhh. Stop thinking now” she said that in her mind. For a second, she was shivering. 

They walked out from the kitchen and went to the stairs to go upstairs. He leads her to the storage room. It was the second room actually but they were newlyweds so it became a place to put their unsorting things.

 He turned on the lamp and started to sort things up until he found a black medium size box, enough to put 2 A4 books side by side and about a foot tall.
“Hey, I didn’t know you have this box. I though you throw it away before.”

He kept quiet. He took the box and put it outside of the room on their hallway. The storeroom was in front of their bedroom so they were sitting in between of two rooms.
He sit down on the floor first putting the box on the floor too. He pulled her hand to let her sit between his legs.

 He hugged her from behind and said, “I’m sorry I hide about this from you. But I have my own reason. Maybe it is time I show it to you” She was confused.

 She wanted to ask more but it would be better if she just wait. Well, the worst case is he was a criminal.  Or maybe a burglar? No way. He is way too obedient and slow to become one. Oh my god, I just called my husband ‘slow’.haha.

“Are you ready honey?”
“Urmm, yes”
“Promise me you would stay calm and listen to my explanation okay?”
“We’ll see” she giggled a little.

She watched her husband put the key into the padlock hole. She became exited waiting the moment to see what is in the box. He took the padlock and opened it. She leaned forward to look closer into the box. 

Here it is. The moment I’ve been waiting. Let’s see what’s in it. And…………… nothing. There is  was nothing. Nothing horrible or even splendid. It is just full of things like thrash, some books, and a cloth. More specific, a shirt. Hey, that shirt seems familiar. 

There was another small box full of pictures. Well, by seing these photos, I know these are our university. This is the lab, the cafeteria, the football field. Well, all of these are the picture of your friend. There was more here. Eh.This girl looks like- 

 “This is my Pandora box, or also known Her Pandora.” He started to talk and he smiled again while reminiscing back what he had done before. 
“I need you to sit down quietly and just listened my story okay.” She just nodded looking benign and tame. 

“Long time ago, when I was still in college and only 22, I met a girl. She was repulsive, arrogant and energetic. Whatever my friend says about her I just let it pass by because I know she is perfect. Perfect for me. She was beautiful with her radiant glow. She walks gracefully and when she speak, she speak for herself. She didn't even bother what other people are saying about her. If she wants to wear yellow shirt with red bag and blue skinny jeans, she will. She just do it. Even though people would say a color block is walking. Haha. 

I searched about her everywhere. The only things I know about her at that moment was she still in her junior year. It means that she still young and immature. That’s how she was. I tried to get closer to her but I just don’t have the guts to ask her out. After few weeks of thinking of her even when I was in the shower or while I was eating, I already made a decision. I decide only to watch her from afar. I can’t do it because I know her league is different from mine. I was shy and lack of confident while she was being circled with a lot of awesome friends. 

For almost two years I've only been watching her from afar while I focused on my study. On some rare occasion, we would be in the same hall room or same places and I will take some souvenirs from her. At first I just want to take a candy wrap she had just ate, but then it became a hobby. Oh god, now when I think about it again, I do sound like a pervert.” He smiled heavily.

“I never meant to be a creeper but the heart wants what the heart wants. That’s the only thing I could do at that moment as I was so stupid back then. That proves a even handsome man like me can act ridiculous when it come to a girl.” She giggles and looked at him again. 

“ Then, she loves to go the library. Not to study, but to read novels. Can you believe that? There was once, I looked what she had been doing. She loves to read those novels but she only spending her time there to read the summary and a few last chapter of the books she read. She just read the endings. Who on earth read novels only to read the endings? 

Then, it was her birthday coming. So I bought her a present. A new book from Nicholas Spark. I wrapped it and put it into a beautiful box to give it to her. You don’t know how much time I took to put on the courage I needed to meet her. Her birthday arrived, and I still remember I walked towards her slowly while she was sitting on the bench reading a book. As I remembered, she already read half of it. I’ve been thinking that must a really good book as she already made it to the half. But then, I saw a glimsp of that book. It was the same book I want to give to her. Quickly I made a u turn from her and walked away to somewhere else. What was I thinking? She doesn't even know me and I want to give her a present? Am I insane? Am I crazy? Don’t worry honey, I’m not insane. I’m just being ridiculous.

She was inhaling and exhaling deeply again. But this time she knows where would this story going to end. She really felt familiar about that girl.

 But then another opportunity approached. I have a friend which is his girlfriend is friend with her friend roommate. Do you understand it honey?”

She shook her head.

“How I would describe this? Okay, my friend A had a girlfriend B, and B has a roommate. That roommate is that girl’s friend. So, one day they went on a vacation for that mid semester break. Since my friend is in her circle too, he followed that trip too. They went to the beach and by the time they need to go home and packing things up again, her orange shirt had been missing and was found by B when they got back home. It was in B’s bag. But A and B know how I feel about her and they kept it a secret as I asked for things to be like that. They came with this creative idea by asking me to give that shirt back to her while I was finishing my final year project. I agreed and told them I will give it back to her.

 But by then, I was too busy and depressed on finishing my final year project. Only a few weeks before my last semester is over my friend asked me about it. I just told him I already gave up on her while actually I’m not. I just want to finish my degree and get out from there to start a new life. I was a nerd, shy and nervous to talk to the girl I adored so much when I was in college. So I decided to move on. 

Moreover, I kept a lot of picture of her. I can looked for her back if I want to. Or just keep the memory in my heart. Some I got it from my friend and some I took it myself when she didn't even aware. I didn't mean to be a stalker, obsessive or whatsoever. I just love her the way she is. But sometimes there a things that is better to be lay down. To be kept only. It was really my intention only to watch her from afar. I don’t want to be meddling with her student life. She was so young and free. There is a lot of things she can do rather than involving herself in some love story that can wait. 

On the day I’m having my graduation ceremony, that is the moment I decide to stop it all. I put all the things I collect about her in a box, this box.

She keep quiet. Not even moving while listening to his story.

 I got a job near to my hometown and start being a workaholic. I want to be mature and be responsible to my life, on what I've been doing and all these lovey dovey things can wait until I’m ready enough. 


Until that one day.

 A year later, there was a new internship student in my company where I had been working on. Only after a few weeks I can saw who she is. It was that girl. Can you believe that, honey? I've been trying so hard and I almost made it to forget everything about her but then she came here. 

I can’t even breath normally. 
I was exited but I can’t breathe. Thinking she will be here for the next few months already made my hearts ill and remember what had I done before about her. My hearts were ill and jittery. How can I focused on my work if she was here now? I was terrified. I tried to act normal.

But then, a few weeks later, I heard a voice calling my name. It was her. She approached me asking where would she found the stationery room to find the bullet for her stapler gun. My heart was pumping blood double faster than before. Even when she smiled, I can see my week will be topnotch. All just because her smile. 

And that’s it. The rest is history.” He's laughing amusingly and waited for her reaction.
 But then he stopped laughing.

 She was frozen. Unmoved. She didn't even blink her eyes. She was sitting there between his legs for five minutes and kept staring him and back forward to that box. She still processing the information and her eyes became rigid, slowly, she relaxed her body and a soft smile came out from his lips. 


“I don’t know you were there all this time, dear.” She talked thoughtlessly as if she was in real shocked.

“it’s okay. If you know, you would have thought I am a creepy guy and we wouldn't be married right now.” He smirked and tilted his head a little to the left to see her face. Can she accept what i had done? I can only pray for now. 

“Well, this is new to me.”

“I know. That is why I don’t want to tell you. But I married a detective. I should have seen this to happen.”

“ha.ha.ha. Do you think that this is funny? Wait until I become Incredible Hulk.”

“ Wow, you have so many transformation. I think you watch Ben 10 too much.” Then, there was a strong punch from her elbow straight to his right abdomen. He cringed and smiled. That was a hell of a punch from a girl. That’s not even a girl, she’s my wife.

“Okay, I spill it out already. Come on. Let’s eat. I’m hungry again and i am too embarrassed to be here right now. That story really needs a lot of courage to tell it off you know.” He stood up and lean forward to take the box and walked into the storage room again.

“Awww dear. You are shy? Come on. Tell me more, tell me more please. I am sure there is much more you don’t want to tell me.” She stood up and hop like a rabbit towards him. It is just three to four steps forward.

“Eat.”

“No.”

“I’m hungry again.”

“But I’m not.” She laughed again.

“How on earth I can love you, and married you?”

“Hey, I’m not the one who’s been following you around since college.”

“I stopped remember?”

“I know.” She smirked and walked towards the kitchen. 

“You are so irritatingly charming.” 

“Well, I am. That’s my secret. I Irritate you then I seduce you.” She giggles.

He rolled his eyes and she’s laughing again. 

But this time, she don’t need to worry about that key anymore. There will still be a lot of 
tomorrow, secrets to dig, and love to fight for.

She’s wondering if he knows her secret too? About him. Well , that’s his job to find out. :P

***the end***

rezeki.

pray harder.
Allah will always hear it.
either sooner or later.