All I Want

The first I time I heard this song was on The Voice. 

One of the contestant sung it and it really gives me shivers.

The moment I heard it, I can feel the sorrow that comes within the song,

I was mesmerized on  how a perfect lyrics and a perfect melody could gives us the feeling that wasn't even there before.

The moment I heard the chorus, there's a feeling in me, urging to come out, it's like I know I'm gonna feel this feeling soon. 

But if you loved me
Why'd you leave me?
Take my body
Take my body
All I want is,
And all I need is
To find somebody.
I'll find somebody like you.

My guts is like telling me something gonna hit you and this is the perfect song to play lurching your heart.

and..

3 days after I heard this.

It happen.

Then I listened to this for hours. 

Hoping some miracle would happen but it doesn't.

I still pray.

Pray for you. 

For me.

For us.

I'll accept the bitter better.

The hard truth.

And the kindness left behind.

Be Happy,Shun.

All I Want - Kodaline

All I want is nothing more

To hear you knocking at my door

'Cause if I could see your face once more

I could die a happy man I'm sure

When you said your last goodbye

I died a little bit inside

I lay in tears in bed all night

Alone without you by my side

But if you loved me

Why'd you leave me?

Take my body

Take my body

All I want is,

And all I need is

To find somebody.

I'll find somebody like you.

Oh oh

So you brought out the best of me,

A part of me I've never seen.

You took my soul and wiped it clean.

Our love was made for movie screens.

But if you loved me

Why'd you leave me?

Take my body,

Take my body.

All I want is,

And all I need is

To find somebody.

I'll find somebody.

Oh

If you loved me

Why'd you leave me?

Take my body,

Take my body.

All I want is,

All I need is

To find somebody.

I'll find somebody like you.

Oh

March Blues.

to be frank, there is a lot of unfinished business i need to check.
i'm stuck in between of memories and reality.
i'm stuck in between of not getting what i want and getting what i suppose to have.

the past few weeks was hell.
because i thought i could get a grip, but it's not.
i thought i have the perfect puzzle. turns out, it's not.

life is about a journey.
but sometimes we wish it's about a perfect destination.
too long staying in the comfortable zone gonna gives you a lot of shit later .

I'm no longer suppose to be called as a child.
but i don't want to be call as an adult too.
i refuse to feel the feeling.
the moment of bitter better and hard truth.

but then He sent me someone to calm me down.
there is a silver lining in every cloud.
he's like a brother i never have.
and we get closer only now kinda make me sad because yesterday was his last day.

'start minggu depan ko kena kuat n independent.. aku dh xde.. *** pon dh g Kl..
ak doakn ko okay.. :) '

thanks for listening to my rambling for the past few weeks,Wan.

and you too,Mat :)



***i was writing this while the only person i could reach n listening to my rambling every day was Wan.
he was there. He knows everything because we exchange stories :P

i spill it out to you guys too, emi,nad,wahid :')
if you guys are near, we could talk all day long. but, things weren't like our good old days. hehe

i wish i know what to do next.

Teman.

My dad past away almost ten years ago.
The pain is still in me.
The hole is still there.

For the past ten years,aku hidup tanpa sebarang kasih sayang seorang ayah.
Aku boleh tahan tu.
Aku tahu aku boleh.
"Be strong. Hold on till the end."
That's what my mantra.
Always.

But, what make it more excruciating is seeing your mom, your only mom,
Need to gather her strength alone,
To live.
To live for us.

Sepanjang aku membesar, tiap kali mak aku drive aku duduk sebelah, sampai lah aku y drive dia duduk sebelah pulak, ada satu perkara yang buat hati aku sayu.

Bila?
Tiap kali aku nmpak suami isteri naik motor sama2.
Lebih sayu kalau tengok y naik motor sama2  tu dah umur2 ada cucu, atau sbb saja2 jalan dlm kampung,
Atau beli brg kat kedai runcit depan, atau mlm2 baru balik surau, baru balik dr rumah sedara hujung kg..

Sbb aku sebak.
Sbb aku memikirkan, bila mak aku tua nanti,
Xade sape nk bwk dia naik motor nak pergi mana2.
Xada teman nak bawa dia naik motor ambil angin petang, atau saja2 naik motor pergo kedai runcit depan even td dah keluar beli barang tp nk jugak keluar lg naik motor.
Sebab. Moment tu,bonding tu, itu yang kau nak dgn org y kau sayang.

Mak aku xrasa benda tu sbb ayah aku dah x ada.
Setiap kali aku drive belakang mereka, aku ketap bibir, tahan mengalir air mata.
Sbb apa y aku mampu buat cuma doa.
Doa supaya bahagia y mak aku cari,dia ada.

So, ptg td aku balik rumah. Dah maghrib.
Kejap lagi mak aku bgtahu.
"Mak nk keluar kejap lg nk beli brg sikit,dgn ****."

"Buat ape?"

"Saje. Roti kat rumah pun dah habis."

"Alaa nak ikutttt"

"Apeeee mak naik motor la." Tersengih2 mak aku jwb. Alahai.

"Oh yeke. Ok.kirim nasik goreng. Ihiks"

They went already.

And aku masuk bilik kesat air mata sambil menaip ni ha.

I guess i don't have to hold my tears again seeing old couple riding a bike at the evening menikmati angin petang. :')

*my mom get married on december last year.
I hope she's smiling on the bike now. :)*

A No.

Nobody ever denied my request just like that.
I always get what i want.
I just always get it.
To meet someone who simply snap his fingers and says NO really really really bugs me. Even bugs me into sleep.
I am so mad right now.

This whole new level of not getting what i want is really-tremendously-excruciating-broken hearted.

Demmit.
I hate you so much.
And i hate that i love you too.

A year.

Tomorrow it will be a year.

Doubt

I am in doubt.
I am in hesitation.
Because i can see it in your eyes, the uncertainty.
How you feel about me.

I wish i could read what is in your mind.
But i couldn't.
I wish i know the answer right now.

I can see us.
But, i don't know.
I'm in doubt.