Heart

Heart,
be strong.
I know you can.
We are just counting days.
We'll leave from here.
From all the memories.
Close your eyes,
and it will be gone soon.

Heart,
be kind.
Everyone deserves their own happiness.
Including the one who doesn't loves you back.
Pray, so they'll be happy.
Pray, so you'll be fine.
Pray, so we'll be fine.

Heart,
love me; yourself. love me wholely.
Because at last, i'm the one gonna hold you till the end.
because i know you can.

Heart,
be calm.
We've never been through this.
But, we will face it.
even if Eyes never stop crying,
even Eyes hardly to get some sleep,
even Minds keep thinking about him.
Be calm.
That's all you have.

Heart,
Remember what is your dream last night?
You didn't, remember?
That's how it will disappear.
Time will make it disappear.


Heart,
have courage.
I love you.
Help me to move on.
Help me to live.
Help me to carry on.

Bisa

hari ini aku bangun. dengan sakit yang masih berbisa.
bisa yang buat aku meletak tanganku di dada dan menarik keluar semua rasa yang ada.
rasa yang ingin aku buang supaya hati boleh hidup seperti biasa.

Aku ingat hati ini sudah selesa. sudah baik. sudah menyerah.
Tetapi tidak.
Sakitnya. Sama seperti tulang rusuk dihimpit, dada dipijak, dibaling batu, dilanggar bulldozer.
overreacting. tapi sama. itu rasanya.

duduk di birai katil.

Atuk,along tak tahu nak buat apa. Tolong along tarik keluar semua rasa ni :'(

Allah,give me some clue. 

A voice in my head.

Syafakillah.syafakillah.syafakillah.


Capai fon.

Syafakillah? apa tu? pernah dengar tp apa maksud dia?

I googled and typed,

Syafa...

senarai pilihan keluar.

A blog.

Syafakillah.
Semoga Allah menyembuhkanmu.

Nangis.

skroll.

"Syafakillah syifaan ajilan, syifaan la yughadiru ba'dahu saqaman"

Semoga Allah menyembuhkanmu secepatnya, dengan kesembuhan tiada sakit selepasnya.

Berjurai.


dengan kesembuhan tiada sakit selepasnya.

dengan kesembuhan tiada sakit selepasnya.

dengan kesembuhan tiada sakit selepasnya.

Kesedaran Diri

Aku ada pandangan yang sangat skeptikal terhadap barang-barang penjagaan kulit, muka dan badan.

Kenapa?

Sebab masa aku umur 15 tahun, lepas aku join/aktif kawad kaki kadet bomba, after je habis season pertandingan semua, i had an enormous acne problem.

Even mak aku bawa pergi jumpa doktor pakar kulit. dan setiap minggu facial at AG2000 saloon.
Tahu harga AG2000 mcm mana? Sila Google. haha

I don't know why but my skin at that moment was really2 sensitive.
I can only use Sebamed. Itu pun kulit jadi kering and kena pakai losyen jugak.

Until I was in nmatriks, mcm dah reda sikit, but still, mmg akan sentiasa ada acne.

I was really, I don't know, sampai tahap, lantaklah-kulit-nak-jadi-apa-malas-dah-nak-pakai-apa-apa-lagi.

Kat uni pun i just used Safi. But still effect sekejap je.

Because I was really2 scared of using chemical substances that was in all the skincare products.

Early this year i bought Bodyshop skincare product.
It was good. I mean really good.
But it's lacking something else.
I don't know what but although  my skin feels good, the protection it gave was not, what should i call it. -sufficient. Ye, it was not sufficient. I need more.

I need more because I realized my skin would not be like i was four or five years ago. My skin have changed.
I'm already 24.

*amaiigadd i'm 24 oredi this year **massive panick attack** *

So yeah. I'm in the middle on researching, analyzing and doing some stuff to figure out how to overcome this.

ahhhhhh. 24.

i cant sleep.
maybe because i'm not used being like this.
it has been months.. but i still cant do it.
feels like things are still normal.

Place me in the corner Inside your heart

I wish I meant something to you

Like you did to me

I wish I could stay as new

As when you first found me

Oh my

Head is tight from just tryna hide my views

Oh when

I keep trying my best just to keep you

Place me in the corner

Inside your heart

So that you remember

Baby when I'm gone...

(chorus)

Are you still having fun

While I'm still waiting

(Waiting for the mountains to fall)(x2)

Maybe when I am gone

You'll learn something

(Waiting for the mountains to fall)(x2)

I'm not as smart as your books

But I know how to look

Out for you...

I come with the head and the heart

Being using it from the start

And my

Brain is starting to suffering bcos of you

Still

I've been trying my best just to please you

Place me in the corner

Inside your heart

So that you remember

Baby when I'm gone...

(chorus)

Are you still having fun

While I'm still waiting

(Waiting for the mountains to fall)(x2)

Maybe when I am gone

You'll learn something

(Waiting for the mountains to fall)(x2)

Place me in the corner

Inside your heart

So that you remember

Baby when I'm gone...

(chorus)

Are you still having fun

While I'm still waiting

(Waiting for the mountains to fall)(x2)

Maybe when I am gone

You'll learn something

(Waiting for the mountains to fall)(x2)

Ten years.

It was six o'clock.
I woke up and went ahead straight to the kitchen. I saw my mom there washing our clothes. It's her normal
routine, even it was Sunday, there would be still laundry from before. I had spent my whole day watching
tv, ezpecially until 5 or 6 pm there would be a lot of cartoons and anime.
As the clock approaching 6.05 i was already in the living room again with a broom on my right hand.
i swept the floor while my little brothers and sisters already going outside to play.

My dad came out from the back room, our third room in the house, with his towel arond his waist and
walked towards the tv cabinet. He opened the left door and put some sort of white document that was on his
right hand before.

I finished sweeping the floor around 20 minutes later and went towards the kitchen again to
throw away all the dust and other i-don't-even-know-why-even-it-was-here -on-the-floor-in-the
-first-place-let's-just-throw-it-away.
I saw my dad was cooking something.

"Ape tu yah?"

"Kuah kacang"

Smells like kuah kacang satay. or nasi impit. A silver plastic was placed next to the
pot. Seems like kuah kacang ekspress. Just put into the pot and add some water.

I went to take a shower and my other siblings are waiting for their turn already.
After that, i saw my dad eating his kuah kacang in a bowl but I'm not sure he was eating it with what.
Well that's not even my concern. Tomorrow will be Monday. urghhhh

He went to take a shower and i went to my room. Asar was near. Maghrib gonna finish soon.
I performed my prayer and by the time I finished reciting some doa, i took away my kain telekung,
but still wearing my tudung telekung, i walked toward the door and heard car engine being started.

I stood on the front door of our house..
I opened a little bit more of our sliding door, and saw my dad already in
our red car. I looked at him. He's changing the reverse gear. and started to hit the accelerator slowly.

I watched him slowly getting dissappear from our front porch.

and that's the last time i saw him breathing.


His body arrived at our house around 10 am the next morning.
Already full kafan.
And still I was still in my world. Saying he was still out there.
This is not him.

*********************

That was ten years ago. 

Ten years,

Wow.

I never thought i could come this far. 

I know you know what I wrote dad. 

Thank You for coming by once a while. 

Make yourself busy.

you can do it.