Anemia

low blood pressure.

Anemia. 

I don't know i have that until last year. 

However it didn't occur to me how bad it was until now.

My menstruation cycle is getting worse. again. 

And my body seems to be swollen here and there. 

So i went to see the doctor. 

When i told him where was the swollen part, he asked me, 'did you get your period this month? '

'no.'

'Is it always like that?'

'kind of '

'Do you recall since when?'

'since Matriks. about 4 years already. before that was okay.'

your hormones is unstable. kurang darah. that's why it wont come out. and you always looking pale with 

darck circle under your eyes right?'

'yeah. the dark circle is always there.'

that's how it was. lebih kurang.

so..... i guess jodoh ku dengan makanan  sangat kuat. lulz.

it's time looking for makanan yang menambahkan darah. 

oh i feel so dracula saying that. 

Loser

Loser - Big Bang

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

Honestly, I’ve never fit in with the world
I was always alone
It’s been a long time since I’ve forgotten about love
I can’t listen to hopeful love songs anymore
You and me both
We’re just sad clowns, tamed and scripted
I’ve come too far
I’M COMING HOME
I wanna go back
To when I was young

At some pointI started looking at the ground more than the sky
It’s hard even to breathe
I hold out my hand
But no one holds it
I’m a

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

It’s a cycle of girls and mistakes
Love them for one night
And hate them when morning comes
Can’t own up to it
Because of my selfish pleasure
Everything is being ruined
Can’t stop this dangerous full speed run
Now I have no interest, no fun anymore
I’m standing alone at the edge of a cliff
I’m going home
I wanna go back
To how it was before

At some point
I’ve gotten scared of people’s eyes
I’m sick of crying so I tried smiling
But no one recognizes me
I’m a

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

I curse the blue skies
Sometimes I wanna lay it all down
I WANT TO SAY GOOD BYE
When I stop wandering at the end of this road
I hope I can close my eyes without regrets

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

LOSER
I’M A LOSER
I’M A LOSER
I’M A LOSER

Backpain Gastric

Tiap kali aku sakit,
Tiap kali aku rasa seksanya sakit ni,
Tiap kali aku rasa kenapa aku yang kena rasa sakit ni,
Tiap kali tu juga aku ingat tiap bait kata atuk ni,

"Allah hantarkan kepada kamu penyakit hanya kerana dua sebab,

pertama , saka.

kedua, dosa - dosa besar. "

i know you guys gonna be skeptical on that first reason. since not many people
knowing either they are having it or not, we gonna skip that.

so that second reason is my only strength to endure it.
Hoping that if this is the pain, i'll accept it.

"Sesungguhnya tiap penyakit itu penebus dosa."

sakit weiii backpain gastric. sakit gila T.T . aku pegang sudu sampai bengkok menahan sakit. :'(

Sahur tadi pun berani minum air tamar cocoa je. takut nak makan nasi. takut sakit bertambah. T.T

Ramadhan 2015

Ramadhan 2015.
Semoga jiwamu lebih tenang dari sebelum ini.
Semoga hatimu lebih ikhlas menerima segalanya.
Semoga tiap laku mu sentiasa dilindungi Dia.
:)

Pain will always be there.
No matter how much you deny it,
The pain will always exist.
It's up to you to control it.

Midnight.

It's 25 minutes past midnight now. Anddddd i can't sleep.
I reached home around 10.40pm and i was already on bed as soon i take off my scarf.

I felt asleep.
But then i just woke up realizing i still didn't change my clothes.

I woke up heading to the bathroom, wash my bare face and changed my clothes.

Ready to sleep. Yeah. So much ready.
The blanket was there on me.

Yup.
I'm ready to sleep now.

Anddddd nope.

That's not gonna happen.

I'm writing right here right now.
I should force myself to sleep.

Sunset Glow

If people ask me, why do i became like this?
why do my heart become as broken as this?
why do i feel unstable - impossible to heal like this?

Honestly,
i can't even answer that.
I don't even know myself.
I just don't know.

Because i remember,
i had once asked one of my bestfriend, about all of the things he did that i'm not really fond of, a
and all the things and acts, that i kinda disagree with him.
About how i already lost some trust to him when he did something behind my back that i couldn't believe it.
I feel betrayed. by him.

But amid all of that, i still decide to stay.
To try again.
To hope.
To expect.
To dream.
for we can work things out.

It's weird to wrote 'we'.
because it doesn't exist anymore.
normally, i would be crying by now.
Weeping and pathetically persuading my sorrow heart to let go. to accept.
there's no more 'we' anymore.
but now, i feel numb.
I don't feel it is judicious, it just that i felt dull, flat and callous.

is it normal thing to do?
to feel like this?
to feel like walking on a horizontal emotion?

I'm learning now.
to accept that bad things can happen to you but you still can live normally.
I learn that there is always a first time for everything.
I learn that don't ever mess around with someone ego.
I learn that don't push people to the level they won't feel a thing anymore.
I learn that don't hurt people. Because we are not always become who we are right now.
People change.
Sometimes you'll be the broken one.
And sometimes you are the reason they are broken.


Learn to accept that it is okay not to be okay. We will always evolving to adapt into the environment around us. Our capability to evolve, depends on how well we understand people; and that could not be learn in a day. It takes time to understand people around us, and most of the time, we failed. Not because we are not trying hard enough,
but sometimes they also have their own wall we need to face hardly.

I'm evolving right now. Adapting to a world where there is no 'we' anymore.

Frankly, I'm not sad anymore. I just want to have a life.
Allah gives me a life.
and i should appreciate it.
I'm a soul.
A wanderer.
A wanderer will always be awesome. As they will always move;searching for a world that imperfect but perfect enough for them to live.

I'm not okay. but i will be someday. maybe tomorrow. or another few sunset glow.


you shall be okay too.
you'll be fine too.
yeah you.
the one who reading this.

sweet dreams.