oh

I really2 wanna take a day off.
Vacation.

i don't really care if pergi seorang.
I need to take a rest.

Shopping doesn't seems gonna solve my headache

The Dreamer part 1

I walked down the street. It was chilly that night. The sound of breeze and the sound of crickets singing only made me feel lonelier.

 She left me. After 4 years of being together, I still kept thinking about her. 

In every way I can. 

The movie she loves so much. The path we had walked together. That cheese cake she always love to eat and never failed getting it from me whenever we were going out. 

I did not even feel the burden spending my money on her because what matter the most that time was her happiness.  She’s a sleepy head. Really a heavy sleepy head and I find that fascinating for someone who had slept early in the night but still managed to sleep whenever she got into the car with me. The painful memories keep coming in every steps I took to forget all of it. 

After the long walk, I arrived at home on 11:43. I locked the door, threw my sweatshirt on the bed and change into something much more comfortable I guess. I went online but nothing was there. Nothing catch my breath anymore.  After thirty minutes of walking around the neighborhood I can finally sleep after making myself tired.

 I can’t simply sleep like a normal person anymore, well , most of the time. 

I closed my eyes there she sat. On the old wooden green bench she used to wait for me. The sun was giving all it sunlight to her while she was smiling looking a boy playing kite about thirty meters in front of her. She’s holding a plastic bag which was full of – I don’t know, I guess it was her favorite French brioche this time. It must be chocolate. She loves it. She always chose that filling. Her soft brown t-shirt makes her hair looks astonishing. Her black jeans look good today. She can’t wear other than that color. Because that is the only jeans she has. “I don’t like other jeans. I like this one. It makes me look good. ” I just nodded hearing that. She always looks good to me. Even when she was whining about why people keep throwing thrash outside the car’s window or when she was mad when no one is listening to her. I was there literally was listening to her. Woman can be weird sometime. But her kind of weird that I miss the most. The vision fades away little by little. But still, she’s not letting me go again that night.

**********

“There is no such thing as ghost, Anna.”

“But I really saw it. It walked down towards our house and just passed it. It looked down all the time without watching around. ” Anna started to make the unwanted face of seeing something no one would even want to encounter it.

“Okay. Details.” Sara starts to make coffee for her. She pour the boiling water into the blue mug and stirs it slowly.

“errr black?”

“What kind of details is that?”

“Well, I was scared enough, I can’t even think anything at that moment.” Anna takes the mug from her and drink a sip of it. Caffeine is such a bless.

“Tall?”

“Yes”

“Walking slowly like someone just came back from the grave?”

“Yes, and I’m not sure about the grave?” She smirked.

“He’s not a ghost.”

“You know him?”

“Yeah.He’s the guy that lives in Webbers families used to live at the end of the road.”

“But what was he doing? Walking alone without looking up and it was not even weekend. Not to mention with his way of walking. I almost thought someone is gonna die because he seems like planning to kill someone.”

“He just moves here. No one really catch a glimpse on him on daylight.” She lifted her hand pointing out towards her window showing the direction where he lives.

“Wow. To think it back again, the way he moved, it looks like -  ”  Anna had already stand up from the chair and walking through the kitchen bar so she can see much more closer on where Sara hand is pointing to.

“- he looks like he is hanging on but hanging on to nothing. Right ?”

“I guess so.”

“He did that every night. ”

“I wonder what happen to him.” She looked outside the window and hold her mug thinking what kind of man living alone in this area an no one ever see his face.

“So, you still want a supper?” Sara smiled and starts walking towards her fridge taking out some leftover bread from dinner. Anna is sure hungry and she knew she had to make sandwich for her.

“Yeah, sure. It’s already  1 am and I still didn’t eat a bite of food. Working 12 hour shift really makes you going on an automatically.” She laughed and sit back on that cozy chair behind the black shining desk.

******

“It’s time.”

 He woke up and checked his phone for any phone calls or text but nothing displayed on the screen. Only the clock and weather updates for today. He stand up and make his way to the bathroom. 

Doing the same routine every day really makes him move steadily without needing to hesitate on his action for what he must do next. 

He walked towards the front door and held the door knob. Suddenly he stopped for a while.  ‘We can do it today.’

kerja again. sorry but not sorry.

it's weird how bila mana kau dah sedar,

no wonder orang dah kerja tak ada masa nak memikirkan benda-benda yang membuang masa.

yang merepek.

yang akan menggunakan masa kau yang berharga,so kau decide cut off terus pk benda yang kau tahu, 

kalau kau tak dapat sekarang dan esok, kenapa kau perlu pening mengenai perkara tu untuk skrg dan esok.

dan kau sedar, betapa seksanya tak boleh tidur malam memikir kerja tak siap lagi, tak setel lagi, tapi esok kena plan utk kerja lain. 

dan bila tak boleh tidur malam tu menjadi perkara biasa dalam rutin mingguan kau, kau sedar lagi, no wonder sesetengah orang tak mampu nk memanjakan diri bila diri sendiri tak ada masa nk dimanjakan.

bila kau tanya rakan sekerja,

"selalu tidur pukul berapa?"

"pukul 2:30 pagi tu biasa wak"

deym. 

dan kau sedar, bila kau rasa semua ni, hadap semua ni, byk benda yang kau belajar.

Termasuk belajar jadi dewasa. 

belajar bertanggungjawab.

belajar terima semua walau pun kau tak suka. 

dan kau juga sedar, sebenarnya semua orang lalu, 

beza cepat atau lambat,

sekejap atau lama,

sekarang atau esok lusa. 

i'm in a phase yang semua orang lalu, 

but i'm learning to accept it. 

nak tahu betapa stressnya kerja aku? *in b4, semua orang kerja stress.takyah nk emosi sgt*

teammate aku ada berhenti balik pada company lama yang dekat kl lg tnggi kos hidup. 

dia lagi rela kerja sana dr kerja sini yang berjaya buat dia breakdown menangis ber jam2 sbb

kerja.

btw, 

dia lelaki. dah ade experience kerja 2 tahun.

Stupidity

You know the feeling when u think u just wanna give up right now.
But you stay.
Because deep down you know u gonna search for it again and why not u keep it for now so xrasa rugi lepaskan apa2.
But again, u also know that is so selfish. Selfish enough to make people believe maybe it's not about anything else,it was you .

Workstation

Org serabut.
Meja pun serabut.
File bersepah.
Sape nk kemaskan meh dtg.
Kalau 5S datang ni , fail. Isk.

Stay.

We tend to hurt the person we love simply because we know they won't go anywhere.
They will stay.
No mattter what.

I'm sorry.
I'm sorry my words hurt you.

Stay.
We had promise to stay.

Movember

Jujur,
Kalau hati sudah tiada,
Kata apa pun,
Kalau ingin pergi,
Tetap pergi.

Jujur,
Kalau sudah tetap pendirian,
Pujuk apa pun,
Kalau ingin merubah hati,
Tetap jadi.

Jujur,
Walau sudah rapat,
Kenal mula tetap sebagai orang asing.

Dan akhirnya,
Kita pilih untuk menjadi asing.
Asing untuk hati.
Untuk diri.
Untuk senang pergi.

We are the one who choose to end up as strangers again.
Move with the wind.
So your skin would be less hurt.
So your heart won't be ice cold.
So your memories gonna kill itself.

Hello Movember November.
I wonder how fate gonna tangled again.

Works

Having to know someone who understand how your job is, is quite a bless.
But also risky.
Because no matter how much whining you gave him, he gonna tackle it right away.

And kenot mengadu byk2 coz he's at cyberjaya preparing for tomorrow UAT. Means he has much more things to do than i am.
And means, kenot kacau selalu. T.T

Currently i'm at MDI right now. Waiting for payroll processing since modul attendance x live lg.

Tengah import data.
Tak cek lg tally ke tak.
:(

And tgh demam.
Kenapa demam skrg,yana.. :(

Nak nangis.
Sbb nak balik... :(

Reality.

I worked today.
Despite my normal shift, is sunday till Thursday,
I still need to come to the office on friday as that's the only day my boss was on the office today for this week.

Too much things to do.
It will always bertambah.
I was supposed to go to the client's office today.
But i still havent finish tally kan data attendance diorg T.T

Went to eat lunch with kak yati and kak iza.
And kak yati ceritakan kisah cinta pertama dia sambil mata berkaca.

Gosh.
It must be hurting so much.
If tears still flowing until today, it must hurt so much.
So much until when you already married and you still remember the pain.

I've met people with the same stories.
Few still have the memory banks and immersed in it.
Few had move on and pray they forgot everything.
Few had known it was only fake feelings and choose the road that less hurt.
Few had left.
Few had cried.

And still,
Few have found theirs.
Few had to have and hold it.
Few had cherished it.

I guess we still hold on tighest to things we can't have because at some level,we know it really isn't ours.

I still don't know which one i was.
Or which one i am.
I guess no one knows.
And i really don't wanna know.

Dah tahu masa depan sendiri tak lah se best yang disangka.
Trust me.
I've been there.

Rindu.

Lately ni along rindu atuk..
Rindu sangat2.. :'(
Dah lama atuk xdtg dlm mimpi along :(

Along rindu bau atuk.
Suara atuk..
Rindu borak dgn atuk..
Rindu nk peluk atuk :(

Atuk da xnak jumpa along?
Knpa da lama xdtg dlm mimpi along..
Atuk xsayang along da ke.. :(

Breakdown

I'm having a mental breakdown/stress/crying a bucket full of tears dan seangkatan dgnnya.

Kerja mmg mampu buat kau rasa kau kena jadi matang.
Semuanya atas bahu kau.
Semuanya dah jadi tanggungjawab kau.

Kalau aku mampu,aku tahan.

My first job.
But I'm not mature enough to handle it.
Now to fasten the process of being mature is like pushing yourself to jump off the cliff and pray you gonna be okay without any harms happen to your body.

Tp sekuat mana jiwa manusia selemah itu juga hati mereka.

Allah,permudahkanlah.
Allah,permudahkanlah.
Allah,permudahkanlah.

serabut.

serabut.
hanya tuhan je tahu betapa serabut aku 24 jam yang lepas.


"esok training SAJ kan? malam ni tdo lewat sikit prepare untuk training semua. takpe, minggu ni je awak serabut. lepas tu okay da"  - Shun,2014

thank you T.T

nope. still ada request. enhancement here and there.

CR Yayasan Sarawak tak siap lg. isk
they already request for training though.
guess who's coming to Sarawak ? lulz
gila. kerja banyak pending, datang lagi satu.

i love my job, i love my job. i love my job. *trick hati sendiwwwikk

writing happy endings

i loves to write.
a lot.
i even have short stories in my notebook that i wrote but never have the guts to continue each chapter and kept making new ones.

i hate ending the things that i wrote.
because it seems i'm letting go a part of me and will never come back.
that is why the pieces i wrote have no endings. lulz

i guess that is why people loves happy endings.
It marks the story had ended and people shall worry no more. Everything will be okay by now.

to be frank,
i hate happy endings.
it was so unrealistic to me.
"you only get happy endings when u feel loved. "
"you only get happy endings when u have what you want"
"you only get happy endings when you have that person in your hand"

who spread those ideas into this world?


what if you are the place people search when they need love?
what if you are the person responsible to each heart you meet, to guide them, to tell them it was okay to do a lot of mistakes and realizing it was wrong?
what if your job is to pour love to each one you meet,complete their missing part without expecting nothing?
i mean, literally nothing.
can you do that?
because i believe that is a happy ending.
when you realize accepting love is just the part of it. not the whole part.
but when you are ready to give everything in order to make their life better, that is one true act of happy ending.

i think to much of my future.
and i tend to think a few plot that wasn't even there before.
because simply to search our happy endings are not that easy as on the novels we read for the past years.
it is a never ending process until we die. We tried to comprehend with others because we thought that will be our starter for a happy endings.
And the result?
We search the happy endings in people around us. We want to know the latest happy things they have and what is the par they had set so we can reach it and eager to level it up another par.
Simply because we want to show others,

 'look here. i am happy too. as you are. I'm joining the club now. let's be happy together.'

Feeling familiar?
*chuckles*
because honestly i'm one of them.
*it's hard you know to get rid all that perasaan nak jugak mcm orang lain. tsk *


Happy endings never exist.
because it is everywhere.

it was in every single point when we decide we are happy.

not decided by the weather, the people around you(who you choose to be with) or the price you pay to get them.

our happy endings are different.
stop comparing, start cherish people around you and create things you will love, not by others.

sakit mata.super duper bored.

having eyes infection for this week.
4 hari mc. hari pertama syok la boleh rehat.
the next day, i started to worry kerja kat ofis.
4 hari.
4 hari.
haihh.

plus,
 i'm super duper bored.
bored to death.
nak keluar, tapi ,
i have no life here .

lone ranger gila.
you know how hard it is to live somewhere where no one you knew come from your childhood friends.

kawan sekolah rendah.
kawan sekolah menengah.
kawan matrix.
kawan uni.
tak ada.
semua tak ada.

i think i can get depression if this is going on for years coming.

family is in another box.
i can't mingle that boxes with each other.

colleagues are awesome. they are super duper nice.
but, still how i shall compare with best friends of four years with those only known for, i don;t know ;  six months maybe.


but, maybe.
maybe.

Allah suruh rehat.
penebus dosa.
hmmmm.

forgetful

 i tends to forgot what good things other people had done for me.
and i'm worried about that.
someone used to say the same thing about this to me but i ignored it because i believed i deserve to be treated better.

it turns out, it was me who was holding a lot of baggage. always thought people aren't being nice enough and doesn't care about my needs.

that is so selfish, liyana.

i'm sorry.

Chapter 1 : Unfinished Business

"Jade, are you coming?"

"Yes, I'm coming. Just wait for a secs." She put on a pair of skinny jeans, a baggy white tshirt with a blue stripe on top, put some blushers on and she's ready to go.

She just got back from college for her semester break and Kyle is outside waiting for her to watch a movie this evening. It's been almost a year they didn't see each other since the last fight they had. But it seems wasting too much time for a fight they barely could remember what it's all about was kind of absurd.
So, he texted her and she smiled because she's been crazy to text him but doesn't know how to start it.

"Hey, what movie are we watching?" They both walked out from the front door and Kyle gave her a water bottle. She took it and drank a for a few gulp. He always know i'm always thirsty.

"Well, i don't know. I still haven't buy the ticket."

"Kyle, you know i hate that. don't you remember the last time we went to the movie and we literally have to line up for almost an hour."

"That was because you were so busy playing your Candy Crush and we are supposed to be there an hour early."

"And you supposed to stop me and force me to take a shower."

he laughed. How am i being able to do that Jade when seeing you happy playing those game already made my day even better.

"Stop complaining. You should start growing up already. I can't always be the adult here."

"But you always be my adult. haha"

"That's so funny and i'm gonna tell your mom how misbehave you are towards me." Kyle already drove the car towards the big road and few cars were already in front of him. It was a sunny day and the road seems less pact today as it was not weekend.

"Lucky you if she's there for you to tell her" She look outside the window and Kyle knows he wasn't suppose to say that word.


"Where is she now?"

"I'm not sure. I got her email last week that she'll be coming home tomorrow. IF there is no more work to be done."

"You should reply her email. We could fetch her tomorrow at the airport if she's gonna be there tomorrow."

"Are you sure? Don't you have to work tomorrow?"

"I still have a lot of annual leave that was bring forward from last year. I guess it will be okay just taking a day more." He slip a warm smile for her. I save my annual leave for you. But you will never know about that because you would say i'm crazy doing that for you. 

"Really Kyle?!"

"Urmm yeah. why?"

"Oh my god. You-are-the-best." She slightly jumped a little bit towards him that was driving and gave him a small kiss at his cheek. He reacts normally trying not to show his hidden feeling. "and Kyle, I'm hungry."

"We'll get some food there first. I forgot i'm bringing a small-lady-but-has-an-appetite-of-a-king."

"So funny." She rolled her eyes and a notification arrived on her phone.

"Hey love, where are you?"

"I'm going out with Kyle. We are going out to see a movie. I'll text you back later."

"Kyle? Aren't you guys still fighting?"

"Nope. We are okay now :P"

"Okay. have fun. love you."

"Love you too."


She put back her phone into her left front pocket. Vincent know how close she is with Kyle. They are the duo- the best friend - the partner in crime since she was 10 years old. How Kyle would be there for her in every rooftop-day-out because she's the only child in the family and how her mom only been at home for two days a week. three days top and Kyle would help her by bringing her to her house - which is only 20 steps away because they are neighbors. She always wonder why Kyle was so nice to her and he always answered, "because that what a neighbor would do." Then he would smiled and gave her the chocolate chips cookies his mother always made on weekends.

They arrived at the mall after 30 minutes. He bought her some food and they rushed to the third floor to buy the ticket.

"Transformers. 2 o'clock. Two tickets." He pulled out his wallet from his back pocket and brought out 20 bucks. She waits at the entrance while watching the trailer on the LED tv next to the big standing poster of another movie.

"Kyle, hurry up. It's already 2.05." He fasten his pace towards her.

"Stop eating first. I won't buy another one for you if it's already finish before the movie started. Come on , hurry up."

"Oh come on. I'm not that bad. " She giggles a little and throw a popcorn at him when he was a few step ahead in front her. Not many people watching the movie and there were might be not more than 10 people sitting in front of their seat. The movie still not started yet as the commercial are still running.

They found their seat and suddenly he said, "i'm going to bring you to a place after this."

"Really? Where?"

"Shhhhh. I'm trying to watch a movie here."

"Urghh. I hate you."

"I hate you more." He smiled and started to eat the popcorn that she was holding it.

ramadan

the first ramadhan without atuk.
surely we would feel the difference.
even the heat for raya isn't there.
because, i don't know, times flies so fast maybe.

and also, starting this year, i won't even know when would that special night happen.
last year it was day 28th-29 malam.
this year, we would be different.and only by now, we realised how lucky we are knowing atuk.
he gave all of him. he gave every single pieces of it not hoping for any acknowledgement on what he had gave us.

i miss you, atuk.

Harry Potter Article by Rita Skeeters

JK Rowling had published her latest story about Harry Potter. I am exited to share this with you guys !! Happy Reading! :D

_________________________________________

by: Rita Skeeters

There are celebrities – and then there are celebrities. We’ve seen many a famous face from the wizarding world grace the stands here in the Patagonian Desert – Ministers and Presidents, Celestina Warbeck, controversial American wizarding band The Bent-Winged Snitches – all have caused flurries of excitement, with crowd members scrambling for autographs and even casting Bridging Charms to reach the VIP boxes over the heads of the crowd.

But when word swept the campsite and stadium that a certain gang of infamous wizards (no longer the fresh-faced teenagers they were in their heyday, but nevertheless recognisable) had arrived for the final, excitement was beyond anything yet seen. As the crowd stampeded, tents were flattened and small children mown down. Fans from all corners of the globe stormed towards the area where members of Dumbledore’s Army were rumoured to have been sighted, desperate above all else for a glimpse of the man they still call the Chosen One.

The Potter family and the rest of Dumbledore’s Army have been given accommodation in the VIP section of the campsite, which is protected by heavy charms and patrolled by Security Warlocks. Their presence has ensured large crowds along the cordoned area, all hoping for a glimpse of their heroes. At 3pm today they got their wish when, to the accompaniment of loud screams, Potter took his young sons James and Albus to visit the players’ compound, where he introduced them to Bulgarian Seeker Viktor Krum.

About to turn 34, there are a couple of threads of silver in the famous Auror’s black hair, but he continues to wear the distinctive round glasses that some might say are better suited to a style-deficient twelve-year-old. The famous lightning scar has company: Potter is sporting a nasty cut over his right cheekbone. Requests for information as to its provenance merely produced the usual response from the Ministry of Magic: ‘We do not comment on the top secret work of the Auror department, as we have told you no less than 514 times, Ms. Skeeter.’ So what are they hiding? Is the Chosen One embroiled in fresh mysteries that will one day explode upon us all, plunging us into a new age of terror and mayhem?

Or does his injury have a more humble origin, one that Potter is desperate to hide? Has his wife perhaps cursed him? Are cracks beginning to show in a union that the Potters are determined to promote as happy? Should we read anything into the fact that his wife Ginevra has been perfectly happy to leave her husband and children behind in London whilst reporting on this tournament? The jury is out on whether she really had the talent or experience to be sent to the Quidditch World Cup (jury’s back in – no!!!) but let’s face it, when your last name is Potter, doors open, international sporting bodies bow and scrape, and Daily Prophet editors hand you plum assignments.

As their devoted fans and followers will remember, Potter and Krum competed against each other in the controversial Triwizard Tournament, but apparently there are no hard feelings, as they embraced upon meeting (what really happened in that maze? Speculation is unlikely to be quelled by the warmth of their greeting). After half an hour’s chat, Potter and his sons returned to the campsite where they socialised with the rest of Dumbledore’s Army until the small hours.

In the next tent are Potter’s two closest associates, the ones who know everything about him and yet have always refused to talk to the press. Are they afraid of him, or is it their own secrets they are afraid will leak out, tarnishing the myth of He Who Could Not Be Named’s defeat? Now married, Ronald Weasley and Hermione Granger were with Potter almost every step of the way. Like the rest of Dumbledore’s Army, they fought in the Battle of Hogwarts and no doubt deserve the plaudits and awards for bravery heaped upon them by a grateful wizarding world.

In the immediate aftermath of the battle Weasley, whose famous ginger hair appears to be thinning slightly, entered into employment with the Ministry of Magic alongside Potter, but left only two years later to co-manage the highly successful wizarding joke emporium Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes. Was he, as he stated at the time, ‘delighted to assist my brother George with a business I’ve always loved’? Or had he had his fill of standing in Potter’s shadow? Was the work of the Auror Department too much for a man who has admitted that the destruction of He Who Could Not Be Named’s Horcruxes ‘took its toll’ on him? He shows no obvious signs of mental illness from a distance, but the public is not allowed close enough to make a proper assessment. Is this suspicious?

Hermione Granger, of course, was always the femme fatale of the group. Press reports of the time revealed that as a teenager she toyed with the young Potter’s affections before being seduced away by the muscular Viktor Krum, finally settling for Potter’s faithful sidekick. After a meteoric rise to Deputy Head of the Department of Magical Law Enforcement, she is now tipped to go even higher within the Ministry, and is also mother to son, Hugo, and daughter, Rose. Does Hermione Granger prove that a witch really can have it all? (No – look at her hair.)

Then there are those members of Dumbledore’s Army who receive slightly less publicity than Potter, Weasley and Granger (are they resentful? Almost certainly). Neville Longbottom, now a popular Herbology teacher at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, is here in Patagonia with his wife Hannah. Until recently the pair lived above the Leaky Cauldron in London, but rumour has it that Hannah has not only retrained as a Healer, but is applying for the job of Matron at Hogwarts. Idle gossip suggests that she and her husband both enjoy a little more Ogden’s Old Firewhisky than most of us would expect from custodians of our children, but no doubt we all wish her the best of luck with her application.

Last of the ringleaders of Dumbledore’s Army is, of course, Luna Lovegood (now married to Rolf Scamander, swarthy grandson of celebrated Magizoologist Newt). Still delightfully eccentric, Luna has been sweeping around the VIP section in robes composed of the flags of all sixteen qualifying countries. Her twin sons are ‘at home with grandpa’. Is this a euphemism for ‘too disturbed to be seen in public’? Surely only the unkindest would suggest so.

Sundry other members of the Army are here, but it is on these six that most interest is focused. Wherever there is a red head one may make an educated guess that it belongs to a Weasley, but it is difficult to tell whether it is George (wealthy co-manager of Weasleys’ Wizard Wheezes), Charlie (dragon wrangler, still unmarried – why?) or Percy (Head of the Department of Magical Transportation – it’s his fault if the Floo Network’s too busy!). The only one who is easy to recognise is Bill who, poor man, is grievously scarred from an encounter with a werewolf and yet somehow (enchantment? Love potion? Blackmail? Kidnap?) married the undeniably beautiful (though doubtless empty-headed) Fleur Delacour.

Word is that we shall see these and other members of Dumbledore’s Army in the VIP boxes at the final, adding to the glitz and razzmatazz of a gala occasion. Let us hope that the behaviour of two of their younger hangers-on does not embarrass them, heaping shame on those who have previously brought honour to the name of wizard.

One always hesitates to invade the privacy of young people, but the fact is that anyone closely connected with Harry Potter reaps the benefits and must pay the penalty of public interest. No doubt Potter will be distressed to know that his sixteen-year-old godson Teddy Lupin – a lanky half-werewolf with bright blue hair – has been behaving in a way unbefitting of wizarding royalty since arriving on the VIP campsite. It might be asking too much that the always-busy Potter keep a tighter rein on this wild boy, who was entrusted to his care by his dying parents, but one shudders to think what will become of Master Lupin without urgent intervention. Meanwhile, Mr and Mrs Bill Weasley might like to know that their beautiful, blonde daughter Victoire seems to be attracted to any dark corner where Master Lupin happens to be lurking. The good news is both of them seem to have invented a method of breathing through their ears. I can think of no other reason how they have survived such prolonged periods of what, in my young day, was called ‘snogging.’

But let us not be severe. Harry Potter and his cohorts never claimed to be perfect! And for those who want to know exactly how imperfect they are, my new biography: Dumbledore’s Army: The Dark Side of the Demob will be available from Flourish and Blotts on July 31st.

Bravest Everything

I  know life is cruel. 

But i don't know until what par when cruel is cruel. 

i know how we will grow up and have to accept everything as a human being. 

i thought my problems are heavy enough.

i thought my experience are the worst from everyone. 

i thought i won't be as much as depressed as i used to be so long ago. 

i thought it will stop there. 

it turns out it will stop, but another waves will always come. 

Always there waiting for the perfect time to come with the highest tide.

Highest for the moment. 

no one knows which level it will go.

so , for now, 

be strong for whatever purpose you lived for. 

Lovely, that's what you are to me

I love you when you're strong

I love you when you're weak

Lovely – you shine so bright

I love you when you're wrong

I love you when you're right

Sometimes they try to break you

But just be good to your heart

Sometimes they try to change you

Don't let them tear you apart

Run, running far away

I'll be here

And I got your back

When you are out there

Doing what you do best

You are my greatest everything

When you are out there

Doing what you do best

You are my bravest everything

And when I'm down

Keep on lifting me

Keep on lifting me up

Lovely, the world can be frightening

You feel a little scared

But you will get through it

Lovely, things can go wrong sometimes

Feel like you can't go on

Well, better things will come

Sometimes they're gonna leave you

The true ones will stay

Sometimes they wanna control you

But you will find your way

Run, run and don't look back

Have no fear

And I'll meet you there

When you are out there

Doing what you do best

You are my greatest everything

When you are out there

Doing what you do best

You are my bravest everything

[x2]

And when I'm down

Keep on lifting me

Keep on lifting me up

both of you.

we'll never know when we would fall for another person.
no matter how we deny it,
sometimes it just happens.
those big wave storms in your heart are eager to get out,
fills with annoying smells of feeling that should be beautiful but in denial either it was true
or not.
to spill it out.

it start with a simple smile,
a simple gesture of care,
a small talk about what your favorites are and it suddenly you both shares the same favorites.
It's 3 am and you are still talking to each other.
Both of you talks about the most undisclosed story in your life even though you had only been that close not more than a week.
You exchange the  role of the listener and the story teller to each other. and that seems so right.
Like everything had fall into places.
maybe because you never had this kind of conversation.
it's like both of you are in your own world.
it's like both of you are in the same wavelength.
You answers before that person questions it. vice versa.
Both of you finish each other sentences in a perfect rhythms.
in a perfect way.
Both of you shares the same thoughts,
the same amount of hatred to what you both hate.
the same amount of passion to what you both love.
the same amount of desire to what you both still yearning to achieve.

a stupid jokes that no one gets but when both of you say it, it make sense.
you both laugh and no matter how silly the jokes sound, you know you have found a keeper.
a misshapen of what would something random will become something awesome
and you'll never know about it in the first place.

but apparently, you know that person is untouchable.
Impossible.
because that would be absurd.
unthinkable.
because that piece of mind thinking of owning that person is overrated.
far-fetched from reality.
because that would be outrageous to those who won't understand.
it is preposterous.
because every person who is outside from both of your world would say it is ridiculous.
Because you can't own someone who already taken.

you don't wanna messed it up.
so you'd been really careful thinking what would happen next.

"So what's the plan now?
Are we or won't we?
So what's the deal now?
Should we or shouldn't we?"

too many plot you are trying to escape because you know how absurd all those imagination you had created.



the unforeseen ending.
that's what make it so special.
because unbeknownst to each other,
both of you had bubble wrap each other heart,
since the first time you had that conversation.
and you both realized the other person are writing the same pieces of mind.
just like yours.

hectic.

i just wanna say, working life does sound like fun.

but.

but.

but.

with great power comes with great responsibilities. *marvel quotes. lol *


the stresses,
the risks,
the nuances and dramas,
the everything yang kau rasa ini lagi tekanan dunia daripada dunia amik PSM(FYP).
this is everyday PSM.
kau tak siap kerja,
bos kejar,
senior kejar,
client kejar,
deadline pun kejar.

sometimes i do think i just wanna quit this job duduk rumah belajar menjahit lagi baguslah.


but sometimes i do enjoy it.
great teammates,
 warm officemates,
and protective boss.


do it, little darling.
take it or leave it.

Lights and Camera - Yuna

i love this song to the bit. 

How painful this song to hear but she mad it like she's strong enough to face it and morphed it into a song.

she made it so cool and it become the song for someone that are losing what to believe. 

i adores her.

she's alone out there but she's trying her best.

with no family and friends besides her, she just move on and up. 

hello Yuna.

Lights

Camera

Struck a pose

And if someone help you

Lipstick on

Yeah

High heels higher

Six feet tall

And everybody knows

Who you are

And nobody cares

If your heart is aching

Nobody cares

If you want no more

Nobody wants to know

You cried the night before

Vaster your dreams and your hopes

Into it

Everything you used to know

Is gone

And you're slipping into in your own

Trying not to lose yourself

[Chorus]

Cos these lights won't kill me now

Saying these clothes won't change me now

Saying these words won't scare me now

Saying I will be myself

I will be myself

Friendly people

All around

And time to put

Your best face on

Yeah

Smiling like there's

Nothing wrong

Though deep down you feel

So alone

Nobody sees who you are inside

Nobody knows you are so much more

Nobody needs to know

You're tired of putting a show

Vaster your dreams and your hopes

Into it

Everything you used to know

Is gone

And you're slipping into in your own

Trying not to lose yourself

[Chorus]

Saying these lights won't kill me now

Saying these clothes won't change me now

Saying these words won't scare me now

Saying I will be myself

Cos these lights won't kill me now

Saying these clothes won't change me now

Saying these words won't scare me now

Saying I will be myself

I will be myself

Nobody cares

If your heart is aching

Nobody cares

If you want no more

Nobody wants to know

Nobody cares at all

[Chorus]

Saying these lights won't kill me now

Saying these clothes won't change me now

Saying these words won't scare me now

Saying I will be myself

I want be myself [x3]

uncertainty.

Who are you to tell me what i don't deserve?

fate really has an unique way to be meddling around with our life.

Parachute - Cheryl Cole

I don't tell anyone about the way you hold my hand
I don't tell anyone about the things that we have planned
Won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody
They want to push me down
They want to see you fall down

Won't tell anybody how you turn my world around
I won't tell anyone how your voice is my favourite sound
Won't tell anybody, won't tell anybody
They want to see us fall they want to see us fall

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down


Don't believe the things you tell
Yourself so late at night and
You are your own worst enemy
You'll never win the fight
Just hold on to me, I'll hold on to you
It's you and me up against the world
It's you and me

I don't need a parachute
Baby, if I've got you
Baby, if I've got you
I don't need a parachute
You're gonna catch me
You're gonna catch if I fall
Down, down, down

I won't fall out of love, I won't fall out of
I won't fall out of love, I won't fall out of
I won't fall out of love, I won't fall out of
I won't fall out of love, 

I'll fall into you.

silence.

i keep in silence.
not because i wanna run away.
but because i'm trying to get a grip here.
now.

.

I am a mean person.
I am.
Indeed.
Forgive me.
or maybe you don't have to.
because i am the evil one.
i'll accept that.

Jangan terlalu.

It's true what they have said.


Jangan terlalu sayang.
Jangan terlalu benci.
Nanti makan diri.
Wait a minute.
someone really said this to me.
hmmm.

and.
Jangan judge people cepat sangat.
coz you'll never know bila kena batang hidung sendiri.
demmit.
I'm facing it now.

100 days

Last thursday, 1 Rejab,
genap 100 hari atuk dah tak ada.
My heart did cried.
But i dont want to show any tears.

for i believe atuk is always there.
Living his soul.
Dengan segala tugas yang diberi.


"Along, nanti atuk dah sihat, macam dilahirkan semula taw. tak ada sakit, macam orang muda lagi. Tapi nanti bila atuk dah sihat, atuk tak duduk sini dah. Atuk tak balik lagi dah. Kita tak boleh jumpa atuk dah. Balik pun jarang-jarang. Sebab Atuk ada tugas Allah bagi. untuk kelilingi dunia. Tolong mereka yang betul-betul memerlukan dgn izin Allah. Jadi masa ni la kita kena rapat dengan atuk. Nanti atuk dah sihat, atuk tak balik sini dah. "

That's what everyone said basically since atuk jatuh sakit. And itu pun atuk yang cakap.
Tak ada sorang pun yang mampu digest kata-kata kiasan atuk.
including me yang rasa tak logik langsung kata kata tu. sebab atuk dah tua. macam mana nak jadi muda balik. Atuk cant even walk. How he's gonna be young again.
no one. No one realized there is a way actually.
Which is perpisahan antara roh dan jasad.

When atuk left, after that we realised what is he trying to say to us for the past year.
It's true.
Atuk dah sihat.
He wont come back.
Datang utk melawat. Itupun sekejap.



Along rindu atuk.
sangat - sangat.

I Like You.

All of us, facing such a difficulties when it comes to love. Love is always an exquisite things to discuss. And difficult to learn. I learn to love a guy at such a young age. Fourteen. yes. fourteen. The age of the naive-but-eager-to-conquer-the-life-everyone-was-catching up-to. To think it back again, how absurd i was imagining this was the love i want. This is what i need. Teenagers. I was young. Mistake were made and regrets were born.

The way I perceive love change within time. all the friction that creates the fault lines in our relationship exist as we expect to much and doesn't match up to what we hope to get with also the mind that digest a fact that we think we get the love we deserve.

I learn today that it's not about either we are in love with someone, it's the drama that come along with being in love. the nuances. the screen of unthinkable plot that already happen in us. It is how we are in love. It is the slight uncertainty we're are told we shouldn't have. We accept that someone without such-certain-thing-you-need could come along and be better that what they have now. We believe that there is better out there. The impulse exist in us to try something else. To learn some fact that one of the human being out there is what we need.

And ever last of us can admit to knowing what it's like to be circling through these path and notions,
trapped between loving someone and wanting to choose otherwise.

Because we have that one problem.
We fail to realize that the heart is not a one time expanded thing.
You can't put someone in it and expect it to fill,to heal and to patch the broken pieces. the scarred contours. The struggle is there. When we leave, even we love them , and we fight, even though we love them, and we do too many wrong things to them, even though we love them, and it's not because we don't love them enough. It's just the way we perceive the love. It's just the way we treat the love expecting it will coexist there. Expecting it will be better.

Like what i had done.
I lost someone i love dearly when i was fourteen. There is a space in me searching and yearning to be filled. i picked the easiest way. find somebody-someone else to hold. so young. Such emptiness. But it never filled me.

When i was free, starting to learn living by myself out here, i felt the hole again. the needs to be love by someone out there. I searched, and searched, and searched. I met him. I did. I said the word. I love you. without thinking the impact it would made in me. I was naive to know that it was too soon or to heavy to bear those words.

Things were amazing with no flaws or defect. Perfect in our own way. For several years. for a while.
Until Atuk left. He left me. He passed away.
Again. I lost all the sense to live. I was in very dark room looking for a way out without a single light to hold me again. I sensed fear. Masked by the smile and pretending i am still obligated to the words i choose to say to him few years ago. I ran away. The thread is there. But it just hanging. Waiting for me to fix it back. But my heart wasn't there anymore. I doubt. I flinched. I want something else. Will it be okay.

I learn to love myself. I learn to hold back. Day by day , moment by moment, searching the missing pieces i needed, looking for a thing that i would never know if it would exist or not. We can expect that our hearts are able to hold more than one thing, more than one person, more than one feeling — but we cannot expect that they’ll all coexist perfectly. Love grows, and it grows you from the inside out. It expands you, but the expansion doesn’t eliminate whatever else was there beforehand.

So it doesn’t always look the way we think it should. There are hidden spaces and depths within us, and love sometimes comes out differently when it creates the echo of going through those parts of us as well.

Then. Something happen.
"I don't know. I just really comfortable being friend with you."
I know he wrote it with a smile. I looked at my phone screen. Thinking how to achieve my happiness on my own. I nodded.

I want to do it on my own way this time. I choose to learn to say it's okay learning the truth bout other soul first rather than incompetently saying he's the one i need.
I want to learn to say 'I like you' instead of 'I love you'. For i believe i need to learn liking people first before loving them. So i will not have those moments of over thinking either everything will be fine or not. Are his life will be better with me here or not. Will he getting a job or not. Will he start to plan or not. And i will have expectation , waiting patiently for he will decide either we are okay or not.

 We are not inherently whole once we’ve found another person to fit into us. Nobody can do that for us. We have to fill those spaces ourselves.So sometimes it goes misunderstood. But the comfort is in knowing that it’s not what we misunderstand about love as much as it is about how we let the misunderstanding open and expand us. It was us who created the love.

The only matter is that we let love do what it’s supposed to: give us more of it, even — and probably especially — when it means we have to take it for ourselves. Sometimes we choose people to show us the hidden parts of ourselves. Sometimes we choose people who we know will hurt us. Sometimes it’s the only way we can be acquainted with our inner beings, and even though we don’t understand it, it’s often the most honest, beautiful way we love ourselves too.

I want to learn to say 'I like you' first.
So i could have the time to see and touch someone soul a bit by bit.
So i could have the time to know something new about them.
So i could have the time to say i like this thing about them and what i like about me too.
and also what i don't like about them and learn to accept them first.
So i could have the time to love them.
Until then,
i want things to be this way.
I like you. Until we get there.













p/s : some of these beautiful words i read somewhere. Kudos to them for stating the exact words in my mind.

MH370 : The Tragic News

that was the first thing i saw on tv about the flight MH370.

it was heartbreaking.

berderau darah.

terkesima

i don't know why. 

even bukan family or friends but still we do feel impact. 

because it was more than 30 years we havent experience anything like that before .

the latest one was last year. that small airplane.

and incident Tg Kupang. 

itupun tak lahir lg weh .

i was eager to know the news.

but nothing. 

the press kept showing the same information over and over again .

so, i decided to check on forum by forum. 

3 forum :

airliners.net

www.airliners.net%2Faviationforums%2Fgeneral_aviation%2Fread.main%2F6013944%2F&h=yAQFI4mOV

forum cari - mforum.cari.com.my

and

reddit.com.

but reddit are much more interesting to read for me.

a lot of speculation. 

but it cant be disclose yet.

:'(

coordination of lost contact in google maps:

Emergency rescue message to all vessels near by to assist on all aircraft.

i give my condolences to all of their family and friends :(

the purest heart

last two weeks,

when i was home, resting watching the television, something happened. 

i dont know how to tell about it exactly but after that moment, i realized what does a pure heart mean, who would feel it, how and why.

as usual i was laying down in front of the television, and my 11 y/o lil brother sitting next to me.

he seemed kinda boring with what i watch. then, he took the tafsir alquran that ayong left on the cabinet next to us when she was dok hafal surah utk baca kat ustazah.

so iwan took it, sat back right at me. 

he opened it and kept quiet.

it's not like dia tak pernah mengaji ke apa. but maybe selama ni dia tak pernah baca yang tafsir punya. 

i didnt know what he was up into at first but then he called me.

with his face yang macam ketakutan, macam baru nampak something yang cukup buat dia tergamam, mata dia yang macam nak menangis,

iwan : kakak, iwan takut la baca ayat ni.

i feel kinda weird. apa yang dia baca sampai macam ni skali reaksi dia. 

me : apa dia? meh akak tengok. 

iwan : ni ha, cuba akak baca.

and i read it. 

it was surah taha. page yang hanya ada ayat 1 sampai 5.

andddddddddddddd i was upset.

because i didnt felt anything. nothing. none. 

langsung tak ada apa apa feeling.

i just read the tafsir as usual.

then i asked him again,

me: yang ni ke? 1 sampai 5 ni?

iwan : a'ah. iwan takutlah.

me : adik faham ke maksud ayat ni ckp pasal apa?

iwan : tak. baca bahasa melayu je. tak faham pun apa dia ckp tp iwan takutla nak baca lg.

dahla iwan nak pergi main.

he closed the tafsir and rushed outside nak pergi main game rumah amir.

just like nothing happened.

and i was stuck there thinking why i didnt feel anything.

literally anything.

why only he felt that.

i was amused how it trapped his heart. until today i still remember the way he looked at me and saying, 

"kakak,iwan takut la baca ayat ni"

adult.

i refuse to be an adult.
i want to run away.frankly.
i want to live just for me and my problems.
but that's not gonna happen.
because,
it is already being my problem.
being an adult.
and accepting every single thing that gonna happen.

missing you.

i miss everyone.
so much.
life study lg best. :'(

What's Life For?

since atuk left,
he doesnt left me and my family only,
he left others more than 20 family that lives under his protection and support.
that's how it roles here.
and how much i miss him.

it's already a few weeks since atuk left,
and sejak tu jugak , i always wondering
what is the truly ultimate meaning and purpose of this life?
why do we live?
why do we have to go through all this already plotted drama and stories?
why do we have to be here?
why people need to be here?
why Allah gives a lot and take it back ?
why we need to be here if there is nothing left to be done anymore?
why we still here even when Allah know what we do here, and there is even a book to collect our deeds and sins?
why Allah sent my atuk and take it back?
doesnt He knows i needs atuk????

all these thoughts clearly has been dancing in my mind.
always.
before i went to bed,
after i woke up,
while i'm driving,
while i'm walking
eating
watching tv,
having a bath,
solat,
even while i'm reading newspaper.

it's not like we'd never been teach about this before.
we know we are gonna die, and do a lot of good deeds,amal semua.
but this time, it really captured me.
there is this enormous question marks inside my head asking why we are here.

i feel a hole.
a hole that need an answer.

than,after weeks of thinking about it,
i went back home late last night.
while driving through the dark road in the village,
sampai tanah merah,
a sound of whisper in my heart says,

"Yana, hidup ini untuk mati.
  mati. "

i stumbled.
i cracked.
i want to cry.
but don't know what's for.
but maybe because it is true.
hidup ini memang untuk mati.
segalanya tentang mati.
apa yang kita buat, semuanya menuju pada satu benda.
mati.
sebab mati pembuka segala rahsia dan jalan.

it's been there all these years.
only now i want to see it,
because we only see what we want to see
hear what we want to hear.

hidup ini untuk mati.
we were born because Allah want to see who is strong enough to face death.
kita hamba.
hamba yang dicipta,
the ultimate prove that Allah maha berkuasa.
He can creates what He wants,
He can destroys what He wants.

for now,
i believes life is not about searching the right things to do.
it is to do the things that has been given to us right. dengan betul.

this life is too short
because after we are facing death,
we are eternity.
infinite.
our soul will be living an infinity world.
no end.

do whatever you want,
but do it with a "bekal" untuk mati.

atuk always said,
"yang penting hati. hati ni yang kena jaga"

now i understand it,atuk.
take care of the hearts, the point of all things in mind.
and the behaviour will be taken care of too.

people say life starts when you were born.
or life start when you are 40s.
for me now i believe, life starts when you are already dead.
that's the start of the journey.
here, in this world, is only the preparation.
to prepare for the worst case.
either lepas ke tak titian siratulmustaqim.
that titian is true indeed.
atuk even said a lot of things about that titian.
the sentences i remembered the most,
he said, "tak semua orang lepas"
i'm really scared at that time. he said it in front of me.
everyone knows that's true.

frankly, i have lost my passion to do things.
because for a moment, i had thought,
apa guna belajar tinggi2,
apa guna cari pasangan hidup,
apa guna kerja gaji tinggi,
apa guna cari rezeki,
tapi at the end, you die and end up in hell.

too many people berpegang pada phrase,
 "hanya orang islam sahaja at the end tetap masuk syurga even memula masuk neraka. orang kafir je tetap dalam neraka"

well, give me the definition of "kafir"?
how sure you are non-muslim tak ada yang masuk syurga?
how sure you are they will not die as a muslim?
and,
how sure you are you will die as a muslim?
you are born with it but are sure you will die in it?

i'm really worried about that phrase.
it made people do things that shouldnt be done.

i live.
but i lost.
i want to do things again.
with passion.
but do it right.
and as usual, the answer is already here all the time,
which is,
do it dengan keredhaan Allah.
dengan izinNya.
dengan namaNya.

the way atuk showing us,
every breath should be full with "lailahailallah" - لااله الا الله.
that's how it done actually.
but we think of it as some burden.
mcm mana nak berzikir tiap masa kalau banyak benda yang nak difikirkan?
people will say "kemain alim"
but dont you see, that how it suppose to be.
that's how it works.
that's is how life suppose to be.
how it should be in our life.
it's just, we dont want to believe it, because we are too busy.
me too.

i used to be like that.
"gila apa setiap masa nak berzikir? bukannya kita tak ingat Allah selalu."
now,
i understand what it really means.

i'm trying.

and i understand now why Allah took atuk.
one of the reason is,
to teach ourselves,
be strong for who you are.
cukupkan bekal kerana Allah.
banyak dah ilmu atuk tinggalkan,
tinggal nak buat je,
kuat ke tak nak buat,
rajin ke tak nak buat,
that's it.



"banyakkanlah bekal, baru kita semua boleh jumpa sama2 kat sana" -atuk



life would never be the same after this.
i see world in different view now.
or maybe for now.
that's why i wrote here.
to remind myself how fragile and strong i was.
so i can always be okay.
always seeks for death and live at the same time.


dont worry,
i will always be me.
but i will stay here.
till the end.
insyaAllah.

coldness.

sejuk gila bak hangggg
it is already cold here at night.
tambah lg dgn angin siberia.
sejukkkkkkkkkk

i slept with 3 pillow on my body last night to endure the coldness.

even cici workout now is only sleeping. -,-'

7 hari selepas jiwa saya pergi.

last saturday, cukup 7 hari atuk dah tak ada.
and we are still tremendously sad.
the first three days are the hardest.

crying all the time.
swollen eyes.
and blurry minds.

outsiders would never understand what atuk really means to us.
he was the one that willing to save us years ago.
when no one really unable to help us, to give us the protection,
tempat berlindung dan tempat bergantung . :'(
Allah sent him to save us and other people yang betul2 memerlukan.

i still remember the first time i met atuk.
he still look like a stranger to me.
it was never occur in my mind he would be this important to my life.

berubat.berubat dengan atuk lain caranya.
tanpa sebarang tangkal.
tanpa sebarang pantang larang.
hanya bergantung kepada kekuatan diri.
dan bacaan ayat al quran serta zikir yang perlu dibaca sendiri.
menjadi pelindung diri.

the second time we came,
atuk said we have to move out from the current house.
because the plan of that evil-jerk was to kill us all.
satu keluarga.
the pain. the pain was excruciating. enough to make me pray to Allah please take my life now if this what i would go through until i die.
if we stay outside, no one would knows what would happen to us.

we moved here.
it takes time to adjust,
from having everything, we have come to nothing.
it is hard. but , to stay alive, we need to pay for it. we need to stay strong.
atuk teach me, us, how to stay strong.
"be patient along. Allah ada.atuk ada." that's what he said.
and that moment also, i realized,
everything comes with a price. take it or leave it.

in matriks,
there was one time, the pain came. too painful to remember.
mom said, atuk ubatkan dari jauh.
tapi atuk pesan,
"suruh along baca surah maryam dua kali tiap hari kalau boleh"
the first night i read it, it took me 2 hours and a half to finish it.
because on every sentences i was attacked.
i never got to finish a sentences sekali. mesti ulang 5 6 kali sbb tak betul.

only after matriks i became fond to atuk. i want to get close.
i still remember how i would sat next to him and start the conversation with
"atuk dah makan?"

atuk orang jawa.
and someone told me that atuk adalah keturunan wali songo. wali songo ada 9 kan.
he's the one the descendent from no 7.
i never ask him about it.
but i always think it is true looking how gentle he treat people.

i was eighteen back then.
with jawa accent,
"atuk suka along. along tahu apa along layak dapat, apa yang along layak minta, apa yang along layak suka. tapi sayang, jiwa along baru empat belas tahun. along tak ada ayah, tak ada atuk untuk memberi perlindungan, untuk memberi nasihat, tak apa. atuk ni ada."
i want to cry. i want to cry like hell. but i kept it. because i know everything he said was true.
well the first few sentences i believed he was treating me. merawat secara psikologi.
if he not said that, he wont got my attention. :')

i did asked atuk, atuk sebenarnya apa? siapa? macam mana atuk boleh ubat orang?

"atuk ditugaskan oleh Allah untuk menjaga bahagian Nusantara. (seperti memantau) atuk perlu tolong mereka yang benar2 memerlukan pertolongan. semuanya dengan izin Allah"

:')

i kept quiet. thinking how big that role is to someone yang juga manusia.
yang punya hati dan perasaan.
yang perlu tenaga setiap masa.


then i went to university.
even jarak 1-2 jam je dari rumah tapi jarang sangat balik.
that was the time when i get too far from him.
i was too dreamy in my own world.
sibuk sangat nak bercinta kannnn.

atuk never judged me for what sins and faults that i did.
i know he knows.
and he know i knows.
i was too arrogant.
thinking how i will always have time for more bertaubat ke, beramal ke.
i was too stupid.

only when i had my practical near to my house, i started to approach him back.
i know segala bui atuk tak kan pernah terbalas.
segala kekuatan yang diberi,
segala semangat yang di sampaikan
segala tenaga yang dicurahkan
takkan mampu terbayar.

cikgu N**** said, atuk bahagia sangat kat sana.
daripada atuk terseksa sakit kat sini, lebih baik terpisah dgn jasad.
macam mana sejuknya kita kat sini, macam tu la atuk bahagia kat sana.


i still remember, atuk said,
"kita sebagai orang islam ada tiga nur yang perlu dijaga.
pertama, solat,
kedua, mengaji al-quran
ketiga, berzikir.
cukup ketiga2 tu, insyaAllah semuanya baik2 sahaja."

"kalau kamu dapat lihat setiap zikir kamu itu, cantik sangat. tiap zikrullah itu seperti butir- butir bintang yang naik ke langit. betapa bercahayanya. "

you must be tengah imagining bintang naik ke langit kan? :')
me too.

i was devastated sbb tak pernah tanya atuk berapa zikir yang along kalau boleh buat everyday.

like my mom, she need to zikir 6000x sehari. itupun sebab mak bekerja.
kalau tak bekerja, macam my neighbour, atuk said 12000x sehari.

kalimah lailahailallah itu sangat kuat. sangat besar.
once ia dah hidup dalam hati, that is our pendinding.
bukan tangkal.
bukan ayat2 atas kertas buat simpan dalam poket ke baju. bukan.
that is one thing atuk said.
atuk cuma boleh tolong ubatkan, tapi pendinding diri kita lepas tu, kena usaha sendiri.

i miss listening to atuk voice. :'(


i know some of you who are reading this, mesti ada rasa sangsi.
keep on feeling like that.
tak salah.
everyone have their own story.
you believe what you want to believe.
you see what you want to see.
but dont condemn other people for what they had gone through and had feel every single single moment yang memang real.


this is my story about atuk, the man i adored so much.
thank you for everything,atuk :'(.

nyawa

atuk betul2 dah tak ada :'(
along nak buat apa ni tuk.
along tak tahu nak buat apa :'(

halalkan makan minum along tuk.
along minta maaf if selama ni along ada buat atuk sakit hati,benci, menyampah dgn along.

along sayang atuk. sayang sangat2.
dulu Allah hantar atuk jadi penyelamat kami, sekarang atuk dah tak ada.

tak ada siapa boleh ganti atuk.
walaupun atuk bukan darah daging along, tapi along sayang atuk mcm ayah sendiri.

along ralat sgt. along mimpi atuk sedih along tak jumpa atuk.
along cerita kat mokcik, mokcik kata atuk mmg tak sihat,banyak buat perangai bebudak tp dia kata itu perkara biasa.
hari2 along lalu dpn atuk tp skali pun along tak pergi urut atuk.
along cuma nak maklumkan along dah keluar suluk jekan. lpas tu tak ada dah.

along minta maaf tuk. along minta maaf.
kalau along doa,atuk pun dgr kan.
jgn lupakan along ye tuk.
tggu along.
along rindu atuk sgt2.

2014.

pejam celik pejam celik harini dah 5 januari.
rasa macam sekejap je dah mula tahun baru.
and aku rasa macam tak cukup masa. tak cukup masa nak stelkan semua benda yang perlu disetelkan.

azam baru?
finish the unsettle business.