adult.

i refuse to be an adult.
i want to run away.frankly.
i want to live just for me and my problems.
but that's not gonna happen.
because,
it is already being my problem.
being an adult.
and accepting every single thing that gonna happen.

missing you.

i miss everyone.
so much.
life study lg best. :'(

What's Life For?

since atuk left,
he doesnt left me and my family only,
he left others more than 20 family that lives under his protection and support.
that's how it roles here.
and how much i miss him.

it's already a few weeks since atuk left,
and sejak tu jugak , i always wondering
what is the truly ultimate meaning and purpose of this life?
why do we live?
why do we have to go through all this already plotted drama and stories?
why do we have to be here?
why people need to be here?
why Allah gives a lot and take it back ?
why we need to be here if there is nothing left to be done anymore?
why we still here even when Allah know what we do here, and there is even a book to collect our deeds and sins?
why Allah sent my atuk and take it back?
doesnt He knows i needs atuk????

all these thoughts clearly has been dancing in my mind.
always.
before i went to bed,
after i woke up,
while i'm driving,
while i'm walking
eating
watching tv,
having a bath,
solat,
even while i'm reading newspaper.

it's not like we'd never been teach about this before.
we know we are gonna die, and do a lot of good deeds,amal semua.
but this time, it really captured me.
there is this enormous question marks inside my head asking why we are here.

i feel a hole.
a hole that need an answer.

than,after weeks of thinking about it,
i went back home late last night.
while driving through the dark road in the village,
sampai tanah merah,
a sound of whisper in my heart says,

"Yana, hidup ini untuk mati.
  mati. "

i stumbled.
i cracked.
i want to cry.
but don't know what's for.
but maybe because it is true.
hidup ini memang untuk mati.
segalanya tentang mati.
apa yang kita buat, semuanya menuju pada satu benda.
mati.
sebab mati pembuka segala rahsia dan jalan.

it's been there all these years.
only now i want to see it,
because we only see what we want to see
hear what we want to hear.

hidup ini untuk mati.
we were born because Allah want to see who is strong enough to face death.
kita hamba.
hamba yang dicipta,
the ultimate prove that Allah maha berkuasa.
He can creates what He wants,
He can destroys what He wants.

for now,
i believes life is not about searching the right things to do.
it is to do the things that has been given to us right. dengan betul.

this life is too short
because after we are facing death,
we are eternity.
infinite.
our soul will be living an infinity world.
no end.

do whatever you want,
but do it with a "bekal" untuk mati.

atuk always said,
"yang penting hati. hati ni yang kena jaga"

now i understand it,atuk.
take care of the hearts, the point of all things in mind.
and the behaviour will be taken care of too.

people say life starts when you were born.
or life start when you are 40s.
for me now i believe, life starts when you are already dead.
that's the start of the journey.
here, in this world, is only the preparation.
to prepare for the worst case.
either lepas ke tak titian siratulmustaqim.
that titian is true indeed.
atuk even said a lot of things about that titian.
the sentences i remembered the most,
he said, "tak semua orang lepas"
i'm really scared at that time. he said it in front of me.
everyone knows that's true.

frankly, i have lost my passion to do things.
because for a moment, i had thought,
apa guna belajar tinggi2,
apa guna cari pasangan hidup,
apa guna kerja gaji tinggi,
apa guna cari rezeki,
tapi at the end, you die and end up in hell.

too many people berpegang pada phrase,
 "hanya orang islam sahaja at the end tetap masuk syurga even memula masuk neraka. orang kafir je tetap dalam neraka"

well, give me the definition of "kafir"?
how sure you are non-muslim tak ada yang masuk syurga?
how sure you are they will not die as a muslim?
and,
how sure you are you will die as a muslim?
you are born with it but are sure you will die in it?

i'm really worried about that phrase.
it made people do things that shouldnt be done.

i live.
but i lost.
i want to do things again.
with passion.
but do it right.
and as usual, the answer is already here all the time,
which is,
do it dengan keredhaan Allah.
dengan izinNya.
dengan namaNya.

the way atuk showing us,
every breath should be full with "lailahailallah" - لااله الا الله.
that's how it done actually.
but we think of it as some burden.
mcm mana nak berzikir tiap masa kalau banyak benda yang nak difikirkan?
people will say "kemain alim"
but dont you see, that how it suppose to be.
that's how it works.
that's is how life suppose to be.
how it should be in our life.
it's just, we dont want to believe it, because we are too busy.
me too.

i used to be like that.
"gila apa setiap masa nak berzikir? bukannya kita tak ingat Allah selalu."
now,
i understand what it really means.

i'm trying.

and i understand now why Allah took atuk.
one of the reason is,
to teach ourselves,
be strong for who you are.
cukupkan bekal kerana Allah.
banyak dah ilmu atuk tinggalkan,
tinggal nak buat je,
kuat ke tak nak buat,
rajin ke tak nak buat,
that's it.



"banyakkanlah bekal, baru kita semua boleh jumpa sama2 kat sana" -atuk



life would never be the same after this.
i see world in different view now.
or maybe for now.
that's why i wrote here.
to remind myself how fragile and strong i was.
so i can always be okay.
always seeks for death and live at the same time.


dont worry,
i will always be me.
but i will stay here.
till the end.
insyaAllah.