obsession

everyone of us have their own obsession right?

doesnt matter if it is hobbies, novels, movies, habits or else.

and i do have one.

and it is towards a person.

yup.

a person.

the sad thing is, he would never know me. it is only me that known him for like 5 years.

because we are like thousand miles apart.

the ocean keeps us away.

the land are not together.

the wind moves in different way.

like people says,

'we never know when our eyes had stuck to something. but when it do, it seems like forever'

and it is him.

Robert Pattinson

my closes friends would know how much i adore him. love him. could only see him smiling and melting inside.

yup, for the first time in my life i have an obsession towards artist-actor.

i used to mengutuk kawan2 yang suka gila2 towards certain actor.

macam pelik gila kot, dia dah la tak kenal kau, and kau gila2 suka kat dia sampai setiap lagu dia kau hafal, setiap movie dia kau tgk, setiap poster kalau boleh kau nak ada dalam bilik, setiap fakta tentang dia kau tahu, sampai apa dia buat semalam pun boleh jadi hot stories.

but after i knew him, i understand why and how.

it is hard to explain.

its like falling in love.

being blind.

being devoted. *okayy.over la ni

you always want to see them.

have dreams about them.

berangan have a boyfriend like him and bla bla bla

twilight klua mula2 dulu tahun 2008. tak silap. tahun ambil SPM.

masa tu tak pandang sgt but after reading reviews from mags and internet , rasa nak tgk cerita tu memang membuak2.

so, my mum buy the cd, and there it was.

i'm stuck. forever.

you wouldnt believe it if i say i watched that only one movie repeatedly for a day.

bangun pagi tengah sarapan = tgk twilight
kemas2 rumah = sambil tgk twilight
makan tengah hari = twilight
petang2 makan cekodok = twilight again
lepas maghrib = again twilight
malam2 dah nak tdo= tgk lagi twilight
and ada lagi masa2 yang lain tak tahu lah bila.

gila kan?

i was so addictive.

not towards the movie.

but towards him.

tu kalau lah dia jadi jadi jiran sebelah rumah memang aku bergayut jela kat pintu pagar rumah dia.

and it is so chronic until my mom pun tgk skali benda tu sebab dia pelik aku dok tgk benda y sama.

her reaction?

"bole laaa"

"oh mom, you would never understand how great this movie is. why cant you appreciate more" kata hati.

and it had been like that for a week maybe.
lepas tu makin kurang la aku tgk.
but still, my obsession towards him tak pernah hilang.

he nailed the character.

captured me slowly.

and made me stoned since then.

i have berpuluh gambar dia dalam laptop ni.

trust me.

you can see my collection.

video gambar2 dia pun ada.

gila stalker.

but, hey

i adore him in a good way.

bukan nak buat suami ke apekan

pakwe boleh kot.

eh

aku penah mimpi dia.

aku luahkan perasaan cinta kat dia.

tapi dia tolak.

dia naik basikal terus tinggalkan aku.

kwanghaja.

cerita kat lupi,

he just laughed out loud.

perasaan mimpi tu real tahu?

wuwuwuwu T.T

rasa frust gila cinta kena tolak.

aku bangun dengan perasaan sedih gila.

rasa nak nangis. isk isk isk

tapi takpa.

skang dia dah bujang balik.

boleh la menaruh harapan balik.

in dreamsssss

i just have this thought in my mind.

before i met Lutfi i was so into this guy.

i want someone just like him.

so badly.

and then, i met Lutfi.

He's fit in my imagination perfectly. 

well for now.

so girls, be careful what you wish for. 

as for now,

maybe this obsession dah makin kurang.

it's just not more than a fan praying for the best for her favourite actor.

  tapi-kalau-jumpa-depan-mata-still-boleh pengsan-lagi-kind-of

and sekarang bila aku tengok balik twilight 1

i was like

"how ridiculous i am years ago watching this over and over again. 

weirdo."

tears

Since you left, I’m always sad

Being sad seems to be not enough

I find a place to be sad

In front of my dark house, in my stopped car, in front of your house

After love is lost what is left is emptied you and me

We are night and day that can't be together

The only thing we share is loneliness

You get drunk one night, come to me say

that you want to sleep mith me tonight

Tell me that you've missed me in my arms

You ask me why I’m always so busy and silently cry

Say you're just saying it and that you trust me

You were always by my side but everything becomes

longing now

Tears i shed on a narrow driveway

Tears i shed without anyone seeing

i try not become weak

my tears

Tears i shed in front of the step of the house

tears i wiped away so that you wouldn't know

i try not to become weak

my tears

There is more hate than love between us

We fight all the time and go for days without seeing each other

But we wanted each other so much

Because we couldn’t live without each other

The freckles on your body, the food you can’t eat

When we kiss and made up after fighting

When we tightly held hands while driving

I remember all of those things

It's nervous to be without you

i go blank after letting you go

I don't like the world changing

i take out your memories

Your name, face, laughter, scent

There are too many memories you left me with

There is too much soul you have left me with

It still breathes and comes find me

Break it with the word, love

Tears i shed on a narrow driveway

Tears i shed without anyone seeing

i try not become weak

my tears

Tears i shed in front of the step of the house

tears i wiped away so that you wouldn't know

i try not to become weak

my tears

My tears, tears, tears

Again tears, tears, tears

Again silently – I don’t wanna know

My memories are all spreading

Tears i shed on a narrow driveway

Tears i shed without anyone seeing

i try not become weak

my tears

Tears i shed in front of the step of the house

tears i wiped away so that you wouldn't know

i try not to become weak

my tears

okayy.

okayy.
takde mood nak study dah.
takde mood nak hafal beratus soalan dah.
nak balik. nak balik. nak balikkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkkk

apple :)

so, here i am.
i'm in second week of 3p now.
the first week is only about praktikal.
second week, here it comes.
the coding.
anyway, we need to answer exams every morning to ensure us to get 1000/1000 marks.
me? naaaaaaaaaah

managed to get 979/1000 only. itupun tengok2 notes jugak. :3
itupun instructor bising jugakk T.T kenapa tak dapat 1000/1000.

harini kan cuti thaipusam. but my class ain't got one.
then, instructor dapat call, we can leave early today. yeaayy ! but still petang. 3.30. -,-


lengang taw, lengang. kelas mysql ngan comptia je ade klas harini. lecturer pun takde.
makcik cleaner pun tarak.
wa sunyi.
so wa tarak mood nk study and dengar ape instructor ckp kat depan.
by the last ten minutes of class, wa da givap.

menghasilkan ini.

wa pun tataw kenapa lukis epal.
satu tu epal gemuk. satu lagi epal kurus.
mungkin epal kiri tu satu impian. epal kanan satu realiti. wuwuwuwu T.T

at least epal kanan tersenyum.

3P

i am back to batu pahat.
ada 3P. 3P stands for Program Pentaulihan Professional. Industry based certified programme.
i choose for
MCTS:SQL - Microsoft Certified Technology Specialist: SQL Server 2008 (Database Development) 

*copypaste je panjang sgt nak taip haha

pagi tadi tunggu kat kulai, tumpang suhaira.
sekarang ada kat dalam bilik dia. esok baru duduk taman u sebab dapat kunci tadi and barang semua kat rumah sewa su.
su amek network A+ so we are in different class.
3P is something my facs usahakan for the student, to increase the job employability for us.
and it's ditanggung free oleh government.

so,
for the first day of courses for 3P i am quite exited but sleepy. -,-
dapat buku. tebal gila.
but then, dia ckp "we wont need the book for our class but it would be useful for you in your job later. because that book is for high technical lesson not for you. you guys are only the beginner" *drop jaw

so basically we all would only hafal qustion for exams certificate. and lesson in class are different from the exams.

krikk  kriikk kriikk *bunyik cengkerik


i know, i know, it sounds silly right? apa guna blajar dalam kelas but soalan exams is not even a percent similar.

the explanation.

my instructor, cik yunita (or yusnita maybe) said, memang berlainan sebab courses ini sepatutnya adalah sangat lama about six months but they pendekkan jadi untuk 14 days. and i was like, whaaat? *rolled eyes

"kamu akan belajar dalam kelas, but that is for skills, skills y akan di implementkan bila kamu kerja nanti bila kamu dapat peluang nanti. untuk dapat certificate, kamu kena jawab exam kan? tapi exam tu adalah dari microsoft srndiri. it is from USA. so what we will do, you all will pass the exams, get the certificate and then you will have the chance nak further your knowledge related to this. it's like, you need to get the cert first in order to know well about mysql. after da dapat cert peluang kamu akan lagi besar untuk bekerja dalam bidang database, time kamu bekerja tu la kamu baru berusaha lebih utk bidang ni. and masa tu la buku tebal 3 kilo tu kamu bole refer. lagipun it's free. makanan pun free. tempat tinggal pun free. tinggal datang kelas and lulus for the cert"


aku rasa macam tu la kot die ckp. pasal cert tu , y tu la apa y aku paham . orang lain tak tawla. haha.
esok baru blaja betul2. tadi just sesi suai kenal je. log in hyper-v and log out.


what i know from my instructor, our courses actually cost RM4800 per person. and if you fail the exams nak repeat, you need to pay RM350. yang mahal tu sebab instructor. makin banyak sijil instructor makin tinggi la dia dibayar. and we we re like, WoWWwW !!

i am new listening to these whole new perspective about this. IT world-part time instructor- lot cert means higher gaji- boleh demands lebih- bla bla bla bla bla bla
and again, rasa jakun.

saya sudah berangan mahu jadi instructor 3P and get RM1800 per day. aminn.

well, berangan tak salah kan? :P

kuciwa

kuciwa.
kuciwa tahu.
punah harapan.
isk isk isk.
paper terakhir ku punah.
carry marks je tinggi sket.
T.T


hari isnin da start 3P.
tapi penempatan tempat tinggal tiba2 encik hatta kata kena urus sendiri jugak.
so, da called kak zah, nak tumpang rumah utk 3 minggu. isk.isk.

tak jadi duduk rumah sewa. alhamdulillah. dapat TDI. ihik ihik
mengimbas kenangan tahu. tempat dating makan kat kafe. bhahaha
so, for the last sem i will stay in KKTDI.

eh, syued pun kat TDI rasenye.
boleh la kacau dia hari2 sekarang. haha
i rareley meet her. kalau jumpa pun sebab tunggu bus depan fakulti.
either masing2 da balik kelas or aku balik dia pergi and vice versa.
tgk dia jadi tahun 1 rasa jeles pulak. kawan dengan budak2 muda yuolls. haha
maintain tau dia tak kena panggil kakak.

kita ni orang panggil kakak dah.
22 dah wei tahun ni.

frankly, i dont feel matured enough yet.
they always say pengalaman mematangkan kita.
adakah aku ni tak cukup pengalaman?
or its just me yang nak avoid becoming more mature?
i dont know.
i do feel i'm being pampered lagi.

kalau nak tahu, sampai harini aku tak berani lagi bawak kereta manual. padahal lesen dah full dah.
auto kemain macam pelesit. again, sape yang tak reti bawak auto ye dok?
tak brani bawak manual lg dikira tak matang tak?

boros kemain bila nampak makanan sedap dikira tak matang tak? wuwuwuwu T.T
nampak baju cantik walau tak muat tapi nak beli jugak dikira tak matang jugak ke?
tak pun malas nk masak pun tak matang ke?
tahu esok paper last tapi nak main game criminal case dalam FB pun dikira tak matang lagi ke? T.T tapi seronok taw main tu. T_T



entah entah kena kahwin dulu baru matang kot.
ekekekekeke
lempang diri sendiri

that chinese guy.

pagi tadi pergi check duit kat muamalat. they said duit elaun mhs maybe dah masuk. tapi bila check, tak ada pun. punah harapan T_T

well, while waiting for the bus at the atm, there's one chinese guy looking at me while i'm watching something else.
mestila aku perasan kan, sebab dia dua tiga langkah je depan aku, then bila aku pandang dia, cepat2 dia pandang tempat lain. hati perasan mengatakan dia mungkin tgk aku sebab aku comel kot. ihik2. hell yeah. berangan.

hati normal cakap, maybe he knows me from mhs. maybe i was the one who taking care of his group. so dia ingat2 lupa betul ke akak ni y jadi fasilitator dia awal sem haritu. well, he seems younger than me. that might be a fair reason.

so the bus arrived.

dalam bus, i remembered something. a hidden memory, buried deep in me. about a chinese boy. i should call him a chinese guy maybe right now.

i think i never told anyone this story. or pernah mungkin. tapi betul2 tak ingat pernah bagitahu org tak. heuheu


in my high school, my class were at the furthest block(X) back then. next to my block(parallel) at that time there is another block (Y) was for higher forms students.

this happen when i was in Form 1 maybe.




every morning, i walked to my class by passing through block Y then baru la smpai blok x, baru la naik tangga sampai tingkat 2, baru smpai kelas.

i did it every morning.monday to friday.

few weeks before form 5 taking their spm, i saw a chinese boy from form 5 class. he sat at the back of his class, holding his pen, doing homework maybe, watching me walking to my class.

i just felt nothing. maybe he just looking at me.

he had been doing the same thing for the next few days. and i start to feel uneasy.
and then, he smiled.
he smiled at me.



okay. he just smiled. still on the same position from the first day i noticed. the difference was, he smiled.
i realised, he had this cute smile and smiling eyes. mestila aku da start perasan time ni kan. bhahahaha

until the next week.
i walked again passing through his block again. but this time, dari jauh, i already saw him.

he was leaning on his back at the door. second door of his class. while watching me closely walking towards my block.

he was smiling.
silangkan tangan.
looking at me.
oh my.
i can hear my own heartbeat.
haha
i can see he is tall. skinny. skinny good.not skinny bad.
he has this cute smile.
and he tried so hard not to scare me.
well, masa tu baru form 1. kang tegur kang cakap menggedik plak kan. da la aku budak kelas arab time tu. haha.

so, i just smiled back. without saying anything. and he said nothing also. just smile. *aahhhh melting tahu.
he did the same thing for the next day, but this time, when i arrived at the stairs in my block, i looked at him.
he still there. waiting for me naik tangga pergi kelas. i know la, sebab kat tangga tu aku tunggu lama sket then tgk balik, dia dah masuk kelas. haha

after that, he tried to talk to me, but i was too scared to go to him. suppose dia la y datang kat aku kan? isk.
i was bravely enuff only to say 'hi'


and then, aku tak ingat sangat dah apa jadi sebab lepas tu diorang start paper SPM and that means dia tak ada kat kelas tu dah.

we just stopped.
not more than saying hi,
not more than calls
texting,
surat cinta or whatever else.
it just stopped.
means also lepastu tak jumpa dah kan sebab dia da abes dah.

what i remembered about that class was that it fulls of chinese students. maybe half of it malay. and macam ramai lelaki. that's the only memory i had about that class. well, masa tu pun form 1, brapa lama dah, so dont ask me why kelas form 5 is there bla bla bla bla bla. i dont remember.



until that one day.





in front of my house, my neighbour was doing renovation for their house. as usual , contractor tu cina.
anak kontraktor tu pun kadang2 tolong gak aku tgk.

i was watching tv. my parents werent in the house. the left somewhere. i need to take care of my siblings. next to my house ada pokok jambu air, then dengar ada bising2 kat luar trying to take those jambu. well, we rarely tak bagi orang sebab pokok tu sentiasa berbuah. so i just ignored them.
but then, it became too noisy , so i walked out and trying to figure out why they were taking so long just to take those jambu.

it seems semua jambu belah atas. susah.anak kontrator cina tu dgn kawan dia yang nak.

and then, i saw him.
he startled.
me too.
we looked at each other.
again, i can hear my heart beat.


it looks too good to be true.
terkejut kot. he was shocked too. it was a Kodak moment. haha
he is the same chinese guy that was flirting with me few months ago.
and how the hell he is in front of my house?
eating my jambu?
with his friend?

it's too much.
i was stoned for a few moments and i ran back into my house.
few minutes later, i peeked through my window. i saw he is still standing there. with his friends. eating my jambu. he was looking into my house. he seems tense. but with patience.
i dont know why i dont want to go back outside again.
malu kot.

well, after 15-20 minutes, he still there. waiting. but i was too stupid. still taknak kluar. too many things on my mind. -i'm too young-he's barely 18-my mom would kill me if she knew-he's chinese-i dont even know his name-bla bla bla
then, his friends asked him to leave. it seems they need to leave. sebab nk pergi tempat lain kot.

again. it stop.


it's my puppy love story y tak kesampaian. haha
it is a sweet memory.
i do remember him.
but in a good way.
he is a gentleman you know.
he takes thing slowly. that's what we want kan? haha

i just want to keep this story in here, because one day, i might forget about this memory.
this memory that once had made me hearing my own heartbeat.
for the first time in my highschool year.

the untold history and horror story.

recently while i was browsing internet i found two interesting blog.

horror story "click here"

and
Untold History. "click here"
something about johor untold history. its quite exaggerating you know. knowing something from the past that were quite big and secret. i bet johorean people might love this blog :)

and for those horror stories link, i think i got it from my younger sis.
the first time i read it, i don't have those chilly feelings yet.

but as i continuing my reading from where i stop, it start to bugging me. i don't even dare to look at any pictures that creeps me out. well, i hope you enjoy it too ! :D




oh, i'm studying for my papers this thursday. 2 papers. pagi petang. but its to bored studying continously without browsing ntahpapa kat internet.

ubat hati

Obat hati ada lima perkaranya

Yang pertama baca Quran dan maknanya

Yang kedua solat malam dirikanlah

Yang ketiga berkumpullah dengan orang soleh

Yang keempat perbanyaklah berpuasa

Yang kelima dzikir malam perpanjanglah

Salah satunya siapa bisa menjalani

Moga-moga Gusti Allah mencukupi

forever and a day

wonderland

in a few hours, i'm having my first paper. woke up from 3 am till now.
tidur dulu, sebab too mengantuk and letih. heuheuheu
java programming.
then, tomorrow, OSHA.

with these also,

Web Programming              11/1
Multimedia Authoring          17/1 pagi
Human Computer Interface 17/1 petang

and sambung 3P on 20/1-8/2

andddddddddd, i ain't got hostel.
okayyyyyy.dah dapat rumah.
tapi tapi tapi tapi



tak sanggup nak cakap.
sungguh ironik kejadiannya. BHAHAHA




to you,love.
i am still in your wonderland.
thank you for coming yesterday.
despite sunday is your off day-rest day-baring day-basuh kereta day-basuh baju day-prep day
thank you for coming here entertaining me :')
thank you for listening my rambling, mumbling, talking and lame jokes -,-
but, hey,
your wonderland is still alive.
it just i'm logged out for a moment for these papers that i don't like to answer it.
 hoping there would be a magical pen that knows to answer correctly.
and then,
continue logging in.


ahhhhh, when would this awaiting would end its miserableness.

some painful things.

some painful things in love maybe.

7.