coldness.

sejuk gila bak hangggg
it is already cold here at night.
tambah lg dgn angin siberia.
sejukkkkkkkkkk

i slept with 3 pillow on my body last night to endure the coldness.

even cici workout now is only sleeping. -,-'

7 hari selepas jiwa saya pergi.

last saturday, cukup 7 hari atuk dah tak ada.
and we are still tremendously sad.
the first three days are the hardest.

crying all the time.
swollen eyes.
and blurry minds.

outsiders would never understand what atuk really means to us.
he was the one that willing to save us years ago.
when no one really unable to help us, to give us the protection,
tempat berlindung dan tempat bergantung . :'(
Allah sent him to save us and other people yang betul2 memerlukan.

i still remember the first time i met atuk.
he still look like a stranger to me.
it was never occur in my mind he would be this important to my life.

berubat.berubat dengan atuk lain caranya.
tanpa sebarang tangkal.
tanpa sebarang pantang larang.
hanya bergantung kepada kekuatan diri.
dan bacaan ayat al quran serta zikir yang perlu dibaca sendiri.
menjadi pelindung diri.

the second time we came,
atuk said we have to move out from the current house.
because the plan of that evil-jerk was to kill us all.
satu keluarga.
the pain. the pain was excruciating. enough to make me pray to Allah please take my life now if this what i would go through until i die.
if we stay outside, no one would knows what would happen to us.

we moved here.
it takes time to adjust,
from having everything, we have come to nothing.
it is hard. but , to stay alive, we need to pay for it. we need to stay strong.
atuk teach me, us, how to stay strong.
"be patient along. Allah ada.atuk ada." that's what he said.
and that moment also, i realized,
everything comes with a price. take it or leave it.

in matriks,
there was one time, the pain came. too painful to remember.
mom said, atuk ubatkan dari jauh.
tapi atuk pesan,
"suruh along baca surah maryam dua kali tiap hari kalau boleh"
the first night i read it, it took me 2 hours and a half to finish it.
because on every sentences i was attacked.
i never got to finish a sentences sekali. mesti ulang 5 6 kali sbb tak betul.

only after matriks i became fond to atuk. i want to get close.
i still remember how i would sat next to him and start the conversation with
"atuk dah makan?"

atuk orang jawa.
and someone told me that atuk adalah keturunan wali songo. wali songo ada 9 kan.
he's the one the descendent from no 7.
i never ask him about it.
but i always think it is true looking how gentle he treat people.

i was eighteen back then.
with jawa accent,
"atuk suka along. along tahu apa along layak dapat, apa yang along layak minta, apa yang along layak suka. tapi sayang, jiwa along baru empat belas tahun. along tak ada ayah, tak ada atuk untuk memberi perlindungan, untuk memberi nasihat, tak apa. atuk ni ada."
i want to cry. i want to cry like hell. but i kept it. because i know everything he said was true.
well the first few sentences i believed he was treating me. merawat secara psikologi.
if he not said that, he wont got my attention. :')

i did asked atuk, atuk sebenarnya apa? siapa? macam mana atuk boleh ubat orang?

"atuk ditugaskan oleh Allah untuk menjaga bahagian Nusantara. (seperti memantau) atuk perlu tolong mereka yang benar2 memerlukan pertolongan. semuanya dengan izin Allah"

:')

i kept quiet. thinking how big that role is to someone yang juga manusia.
yang punya hati dan perasaan.
yang perlu tenaga setiap masa.


then i went to university.
even jarak 1-2 jam je dari rumah tapi jarang sangat balik.
that was the time when i get too far from him.
i was too dreamy in my own world.
sibuk sangat nak bercinta kannnn.

atuk never judged me for what sins and faults that i did.
i know he knows.
and he know i knows.
i was too arrogant.
thinking how i will always have time for more bertaubat ke, beramal ke.
i was too stupid.

only when i had my practical near to my house, i started to approach him back.
i know segala bui atuk tak kan pernah terbalas.
segala kekuatan yang diberi,
segala semangat yang di sampaikan
segala tenaga yang dicurahkan
takkan mampu terbayar.

cikgu N**** said, atuk bahagia sangat kat sana.
daripada atuk terseksa sakit kat sini, lebih baik terpisah dgn jasad.
macam mana sejuknya kita kat sini, macam tu la atuk bahagia kat sana.


i still remember, atuk said,
"kita sebagai orang islam ada tiga nur yang perlu dijaga.
pertama, solat,
kedua, mengaji al-quran
ketiga, berzikir.
cukup ketiga2 tu, insyaAllah semuanya baik2 sahaja."

"kalau kamu dapat lihat setiap zikir kamu itu, cantik sangat. tiap zikrullah itu seperti butir- butir bintang yang naik ke langit. betapa bercahayanya. "

you must be tengah imagining bintang naik ke langit kan? :')
me too.

i was devastated sbb tak pernah tanya atuk berapa zikir yang along kalau boleh buat everyday.

like my mom, she need to zikir 6000x sehari. itupun sebab mak bekerja.
kalau tak bekerja, macam my neighbour, atuk said 12000x sehari.

kalimah lailahailallah itu sangat kuat. sangat besar.
once ia dah hidup dalam hati, that is our pendinding.
bukan tangkal.
bukan ayat2 atas kertas buat simpan dalam poket ke baju. bukan.
that is one thing atuk said.
atuk cuma boleh tolong ubatkan, tapi pendinding diri kita lepas tu, kena usaha sendiri.

i miss listening to atuk voice. :'(


i know some of you who are reading this, mesti ada rasa sangsi.
keep on feeling like that.
tak salah.
everyone have their own story.
you believe what you want to believe.
you see what you want to see.
but dont condemn other people for what they had gone through and had feel every single single moment yang memang real.


this is my story about atuk, the man i adored so much.
thank you for everything,atuk :'(.

nyawa

atuk betul2 dah tak ada :'(
along nak buat apa ni tuk.
along tak tahu nak buat apa :'(

halalkan makan minum along tuk.
along minta maaf if selama ni along ada buat atuk sakit hati,benci, menyampah dgn along.

along sayang atuk. sayang sangat2.
dulu Allah hantar atuk jadi penyelamat kami, sekarang atuk dah tak ada.

tak ada siapa boleh ganti atuk.
walaupun atuk bukan darah daging along, tapi along sayang atuk mcm ayah sendiri.

along ralat sgt. along mimpi atuk sedih along tak jumpa atuk.
along cerita kat mokcik, mokcik kata atuk mmg tak sihat,banyak buat perangai bebudak tp dia kata itu perkara biasa.
hari2 along lalu dpn atuk tp skali pun along tak pergi urut atuk.
along cuma nak maklumkan along dah keluar suluk jekan. lpas tu tak ada dah.

along minta maaf tuk. along minta maaf.
kalau along doa,atuk pun dgr kan.
jgn lupakan along ye tuk.
tggu along.
along rindu atuk sgt2.

2014.

pejam celik pejam celik harini dah 5 januari.
rasa macam sekejap je dah mula tahun baru.
and aku rasa macam tak cukup masa. tak cukup masa nak stelkan semua benda yang perlu disetelkan.

azam baru?
finish the unsettle business.