Anemia

low blood pressure.

Anemia. 

I don't know i have that until last year. 

However it didn't occur to me how bad it was until now.

My menstruation cycle is getting worse. again. 

And my body seems to be swollen here and there. 

So i went to see the doctor. 

When i told him where was the swollen part, he asked me, 'did you get your period this month? '

'no.'

'Is it always like that?'

'kind of '

'Do you recall since when?'

'since Matriks. about 4 years already. before that was okay.'

your hormones is unstable. kurang darah. that's why it wont come out. and you always looking pale with 

darck circle under your eyes right?'

'yeah. the dark circle is always there.'

that's how it was. lebih kurang.

so..... i guess jodoh ku dengan makanan  sangat kuat. lulz.

it's time looking for makanan yang menambahkan darah. 

oh i feel so dracula saying that. 

Loser

Loser - Big Bang

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

Honestly, I’ve never fit in with the world
I was always alone
It’s been a long time since I’ve forgotten about love
I can’t listen to hopeful love songs anymore
You and me both
We’re just sad clowns, tamed and scripted
I’ve come too far
I’M COMING HOME
I wanna go back
To when I was young

At some pointI started looking at the ground more than the sky
It’s hard even to breathe
I hold out my hand
But no one holds it
I’m a

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

It’s a cycle of girls and mistakes
Love them for one night
And hate them when morning comes
Can’t own up to it
Because of my selfish pleasure
Everything is being ruined
Can’t stop this dangerous full speed run
Now I have no interest, no fun anymore
I’m standing alone at the edge of a cliff
I’m going home
I wanna go back
To how it was before

At some point
I’ve gotten scared of people’s eyes
I’m sick of crying so I tried smiling
But no one recognizes me
I’m a

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

I curse the blue skies
Sometimes I wanna lay it all down
I WANT TO SAY GOOD BYE
When I stop wandering at the end of this road
I hope I can close my eyes without regrets

Loser, loner
A coward who pretends to be tough
A mean delinquent
In the mirror, you’re
JUST A LOSER
A loner, a jackass covered in scars
Dirty trash
In the mirror, I’m a

LOSER
I’M A LOSER
I’M A LOSER
I’M A LOSER

Backpain Gastric

Tiap kali aku sakit,
Tiap kali aku rasa seksanya sakit ni,
Tiap kali aku rasa kenapa aku yang kena rasa sakit ni,
Tiap kali tu juga aku ingat tiap bait kata atuk ni,

"Allah hantarkan kepada kamu penyakit hanya kerana dua sebab,

pertama , saka.

kedua, dosa - dosa besar. "

i know you guys gonna be skeptical on that first reason. since not many people
knowing either they are having it or not, we gonna skip that.

so that second reason is my only strength to endure it.
Hoping that if this is the pain, i'll accept it.

"Sesungguhnya tiap penyakit itu penebus dosa."

sakit weiii backpain gastric. sakit gila T.T . aku pegang sudu sampai bengkok menahan sakit. :'(

Sahur tadi pun berani minum air tamar cocoa je. takut nak makan nasi. takut sakit bertambah. T.T

Ramadhan 2015

Ramadhan 2015.
Semoga jiwamu lebih tenang dari sebelum ini.
Semoga hatimu lebih ikhlas menerima segalanya.
Semoga tiap laku mu sentiasa dilindungi Dia.
:)

Pain will always be there.
No matter how much you deny it,
The pain will always exist.
It's up to you to control it.

Midnight.

It's 25 minutes past midnight now. Anddddd i can't sleep.
I reached home around 10.40pm and i was already on bed as soon i take off my scarf.

I felt asleep.
But then i just woke up realizing i still didn't change my clothes.

I woke up heading to the bathroom, wash my bare face and changed my clothes.

Ready to sleep. Yeah. So much ready.
The blanket was there on me.

Yup.
I'm ready to sleep now.

Anddddd nope.

That's not gonna happen.

I'm writing right here right now.
I should force myself to sleep.

Sunset Glow

If people ask me, why do i became like this?
why do my heart become as broken as this?
why do i feel unstable - impossible to heal like this?

Honestly,
i can't even answer that.
I don't even know myself.
I just don't know.

Because i remember,
i had once asked one of my bestfriend, about all of the things he did that i'm not really fond of, a
and all the things and acts, that i kinda disagree with him.
About how i already lost some trust to him when he did something behind my back that i couldn't believe it.
I feel betrayed. by him.

But amid all of that, i still decide to stay.
To try again.
To hope.
To expect.
To dream.
for we can work things out.

It's weird to wrote 'we'.
because it doesn't exist anymore.
normally, i would be crying by now.
Weeping and pathetically persuading my sorrow heart to let go. to accept.
there's no more 'we' anymore.
but now, i feel numb.
I don't feel it is judicious, it just that i felt dull, flat and callous.

is it normal thing to do?
to feel like this?
to feel like walking on a horizontal emotion?

I'm learning now.
to accept that bad things can happen to you but you still can live normally.
I learn that there is always a first time for everything.
I learn that don't ever mess around with someone ego.
I learn that don't push people to the level they won't feel a thing anymore.
I learn that don't hurt people. Because we are not always become who we are right now.
People change.
Sometimes you'll be the broken one.
And sometimes you are the reason they are broken.


Learn to accept that it is okay not to be okay. We will always evolving to adapt into the environment around us. Our capability to evolve, depends on how well we understand people; and that could not be learn in a day. It takes time to understand people around us, and most of the time, we failed. Not because we are not trying hard enough,
but sometimes they also have their own wall we need to face hardly.

I'm evolving right now. Adapting to a world where there is no 'we' anymore.

Frankly, I'm not sad anymore. I just want to have a life.
Allah gives me a life.
and i should appreciate it.
I'm a soul.
A wanderer.
A wanderer will always be awesome. As they will always move;searching for a world that imperfect but perfect enough for them to live.

I'm not okay. but i will be someday. maybe tomorrow. or another few sunset glow.


you shall be okay too.
you'll be fine too.
yeah you.
the one who reading this.

sweet dreams.

A thank you note for you guys.

Allah gives what you needs the most.
not what you want.
I feel it now.
i see how it works.
and the beauty behind it is spectacular.

Thank you Allah.
for giving me what i need the most.


last few days was the end mark of my study in UTHM.
quite long right?
haha
siapa2 selain tu yang tanya aku  dah habis belum aku jawab  je dah.
reason?
first,sbb malu. haha
second, sbb cerita panjang sgt so better pendekkan soalan2 y bakal ditanya.
so , sorry guys to those yang aku ckp aku dah habis.

My closest friends will know that i still didnt finish my study and graduating with my friends last
year.
but instead i choose to graduate this year.
for some personal reason, yes, after discussing with my mom, my faculty dean and my supervisor,
we all agreed to extend my courses for another year.

so yeah, smlm and kelmarin i present my final year project and alhamdulillah it all ends well :)

frankly, being a software engineer for a year and a half now really teachs me how handle end user, client and customer
quite well. My hand was cold and shaking enough but i know i can do this. I had done this many times with
other clients before i came for this. so yes, that's basically how i endure it for the past two days.


this post i'm gonna dedicate to those who believing in me and being there giving me continous supports
that i couldn't ask for more.

to all my best friends,

Matun Idris, Wahida Muhsin, Nadzirah Azeni and Rosni Emilinda,

thank you. thank you for asking me from time to time on how my progress and i know deep down you all
were worried if I'm gonna do the same mistake i made before. haha
thank you for helping me finish my thesis by sending your thesis to me as reference :P cc:wahida n nad :D
thanks nad dtg johor singgah jumpa aku. i need that. because i miss you guys. and how i wish you guys were all
there to distract me from doing something stupid. bhahaha
thanks emi for your supports even you can't come but i appreaciate it a lot. you have an iv coming
so of course I'm gonna force you went to that Iv .aku doakan kau dpt job tu hehe

to wahida, thank you for keeping tracks on how i'm going right now, and menjadi penasihat utama untuk aku buat benda ni.
haha.
thank you too for listening to my rambling and forcing me siapkan benda ni even knowing how
i'm a mess and in an emotional roller coaster for the past few months. I wish you are near so i can
listen to your story everyday. I miss us duduk rumah sewa n how you gonna membebel bersepah betul baju ang
tak reti nk lipat kaaaa hahahaha

to mat,
thank you for listening to my crying and rambling too and all your advises while you were at your kitchen cooking
for your husband :P sorry Najamuddin selalu curi masa mat waktu malam ! :p
thank you for sama2 teman aku ponteng kerja, kahkahkahkah sebab aku terlalu serabut dengan segalanya sampai nak
berhenti kerja.
and thank you for being there for the past 5 years you know me, i was in pain in these few months and you were there
ready to listen my stupid rambling and stuff. because for you, it's not a rambling, it's an attention you need
to give me, to heal me, to calm me down.
And for that, thank you :')

and lastly,
azwan..thank you. i don't know how to say it more. i owe you big. Budi yang tak terbalas.
2013 when i was a practical student.
2014 i started working here and became his officemate.
2015 he left from our office and accepting another offer from other company. but that is when we become closer.

I was heartbroken. I called him crying in the car telling him how I'm in excruciating pain because of love.
He was there since day one.
He listen till 2 or 3 am giving advises from a MAN point of view.
He stay with me, arguing opinion with me, being mad with me because i did things he forbid, but he still
there listening to my stupid and pathetic emotional script again and again.
I know sometimes he just malas nak layan sbb dia pun byk kerja but still, he stay walau annoying mcm mana pun nak layan yana yang tengah emosi mcm biskut. kejap emosi,kejap tak,kejap okay, kejap nangis. lulz.

I owe him big because he's the one who help me to finish my project.
He's the one who stayed untill 3 or 4 am to finish the programme.
Basically he did it all.
I didnt scared to tell people, it was all him because that's the truth.
I just did a little betulkan some places and siapkan documentation for the thesis.

because that moment, that meantime yang aku patut buat kerja tu semua, i couldn't.
I was too devastated. I cried to sleep. i woke up feelingless. i went to work do my stuff
but after that, i became another person again.i keep weeping and asking why this would happen to me.
Nothing in here. in me.There's a hole that whatever i do, it just keep growing back again n again.
if i went out, the pain is there looking all the places we have been together before.
n i would thinking on how he would spent her time with his new girl.
Damn. even writing it enough to give my heart a pain.

Thank you wan.. for the past two days hanya kau je yang text aku tiap jam, tanya progress..

"how yana?
"ok tak yana?"
"cmne yana?"
"so cmne skrg?"
"bos aku tgh kat sebelah skrg, xdpt nk cek isu y kau ckp tu"
"da lepas belum yana?"

and frankly, sumpah aku rasa nak nangis gila wan. even mak aku pun tak mesej macam tu. mmg ngalir air mata dah.
thank you so much.
even kau kerja, even tgh meeting pun aku tahu kau pk pasal progress aku sbb abes je meeting kau text aku.

i was glad Allah sent you to help me. Because i do trust you. You won't let me fight this battle alone.

I'm also glad i have you as my friend.
You are like a brother that i never have.
Thanks. Thanks wan.
Aku doakan segala urusan kau, kebahagiaan kau dipermudahkan Allah. :')

and to my mom,
thank you for being such an understanding person.
i know i couldn't finish my degree in time but i will this year insyaAllah.

to Dr Nazri, i know he won't read this, but still thank you.
Dekan yang paling baik aku pernah jumpa.
He assign me to Dr Aizi as my supervisor because they planned to let me finish my FYP easily so i can finish
my study a.s.a.p

Thank you Dr Nazri. Saya doakan Dr dan keluarga Dr sentiasa dilindungi Allah.

Thank you Dr Aizi sbb memahami. smlm aku jumpa dia nk bagitahu aku da habis present pada dua2 panel, Dr Nazri (yeah i asked him to be my panel) and Dr Rathiah. He smiled and wish me luck for my future coming.
Thank you Dr Aizi, Semoga Dr dan keluarga juga sentiasa dilindungi Allah.

these people who helped through my journey inspired me to do something better in my life.
Thank you so much :')

and behind all of these people,
Thank you Allah for letting them being there in my life, arranging the order of my story
and let me learn that you will always give me what i need.
not what i want.

la haula wa quwata illabillah. :')

I'm tired.
in the middle of waiting right now. i'm hoping for some miracle.