it's a goodbye.

It's a goodbye today.
My six months is finished.
i'm supposed to be happy. but i am sad.
but not because i didn't get what i want,
but it's just they are so nice to me,
good enough to talk to me, accept me in their circle,
put me on the same table as they are,
laughed with me,
gossiping with me,
let me walks around when i am bored,
teach me how to interact with people around,
teach me how to do this or that,
accept my flaws, (or maybe not and they keep it low, hehe :) )

this is my first time experiencing the new environment with a lot of stories and plot.
this is life.
to say hye.
and also goodbyes.

yes, i am sad.

:'(

Her Pandora.

Her Pandora is my first try to start a new hobby. Moreover, i do think my essay writing skills need a comeback. Banyak benda nak kena asah balik. Banyak grammars yang tak betul i think. but hey, it's my first try :)

p/s : yes i wrote it. It was full of cheesy mellow things i guess. haha. I got the idea for this short stories when i was too bored and start writing on my notebook. 

Writing on a paper does give you the shiver, the impact moment of idea came flowing out into my mind. 

_________________________________________________________________

***********************************************************************************

The door was closed. She walked in slowly and searching the bed for what he’s been hiding from her. She know there was something fishy. But she just don’t know why and where. She took the blanket away, lift the bed, put away the pillow, still, there was nothing. 
Except…
She checks under the pillow. Unzipped it, she found a small hole, she was exited. This was it. She touched something. 
A key.
A key. For two days she's been thinking, either to ask him or not. Their marriage is only three months now but things like this already happened. Why was he hiding it from her so much? Is it something important? Or something bad? Am I being so gullible?
That’s it. I’m going to face him when he gets home.

***************

“Honey, I’m home.” His voice is ringing like a door bell. It was the sweetest sound she heard today. 
“I’m here. In the bedroom” As soon as he arrived upstairs, she took his bag, gave him his towels for him to take a bath and she walked to the kitchen to prepare his dinner. 
She’s been thinking what is the appropriate sentences to start the conversation. She’s been plotting the best scene on how to get his attention while telling him how she found the key. She cleaned the table put the plates and the glasses with the cutlery there. A casserole of spaghetti and meatballs were served when he arrived at the table.

“it is Tuesday today. So we are having spaghetti and meatballs. Is it okay for you dear?”

He smiled.“ it is okay honey.” 

He walked to the refrigerator to take the orange juice bottle and pour it into her glass first then his.  She said thanks and start to think this is the best time maybe. Or maybe she is just eager to ask. 

“Dear, this morning I was cleaning our room.” She lied. It was two days ago. “I changed our bed sheet and also the pillow case. Guess what I found?”

“A key. I found a key.” 

He shuddered but keep eating his food. 

“Do you know anything about the key dear?”

“I don’t know. We have a lot of keys in this house aren't we? Hey, maybe that’s the key that was missing before. I wonder how it get there.” He didn't even look into her eyes. 

She gave him a sharp look. But still she managed to calm herself down. “but I found it in your pillow. Not even next to it, under it or even on top of it. It was inside it, inside the pillow.”

“Well, well, well, impressive. I don’t know I married a detective now” he smiled.

“A woman can change her profession anytime she want based on what her husband do. Don’t you know that?” She rolled her eyes and laughing. She didn't even touch the food.

“I think I am full already. Let’s do something fun !” He’s laughing and looked at her softly while clasping both of his hand under his chin. He tried to escape with that gesture.

She inhaled and exhaled deeply. Trying to calm herself down. Well, he knows her weakness but she need to overcome that now. Her eyes became furious while looking at him.

“Wow, wow, wow. Okay, Okay. I’ll tell you." He's been thinking for a second what he would do next.

" Hmmmmm. Come, follow me. Please don’t do that eyes again.” He smirked and stand up ready to hold her hand. 

She accept his hand, followed his back. Without her knowing, there is an obnoxious smile came from him. To be frank, he was scared, jittery and embarrassed at the same time. He was thinking what he would explain to her just to make everything seems perfect in her eyes.

For her, she had been thinking all the possibilities what would happen next. Is he was not what I expect him to be? Is he having a second life like what I watched in the TV last night? Am I the third wheel like the novel I read before? Or maybe that’s just the key from his work. Or his hobby. But why is he been hiding it from me? Maybe. Or maybe he had done something wrong that I should never know. 

“Urghhhh. Stop thinking now” she said that in her mind. For a second, she was shivering. 

They walked out from the kitchen and went to the stairs to go upstairs. He leads her to the storage room. It was the second room actually but they were newlyweds so it became a place to put their unsorting things.

 He turned on the lamp and started to sort things up until he found a black medium size box, enough to put 2 A4 books side by side and about a foot tall.
“Hey, I didn’t know you have this box. I though you throw it away before.”

He kept quiet. He took the box and put it outside of the room on their hallway. The storeroom was in front of their bedroom so they were sitting in between of two rooms.
He sit down on the floor first putting the box on the floor too. He pulled her hand to let her sit between his legs.

 He hugged her from behind and said, “I’m sorry I hide about this from you. But I have my own reason. Maybe it is time I show it to you” She was confused.

 She wanted to ask more but it would be better if she just wait. Well, the worst case is he was a criminal.  Or maybe a burglar? No way. He is way too obedient and slow to become one. Oh my god, I just called my husband ‘slow’.haha.

“Are you ready honey?”
“Urmm, yes”
“Promise me you would stay calm and listen to my explanation okay?”
“We’ll see” she giggled a little.

She watched her husband put the key into the padlock hole. She became exited waiting the moment to see what is in the box. He took the padlock and opened it. She leaned forward to look closer into the box. 

Here it is. The moment I’ve been waiting. Let’s see what’s in it. And…………… nothing. There is  was nothing. Nothing horrible or even splendid. It is just full of things like thrash, some books, and a cloth. More specific, a shirt. Hey, that shirt seems familiar. 

There was another small box full of pictures. Well, by seing these photos, I know these are our university. This is the lab, the cafeteria, the football field. Well, all of these are the picture of your friend. There was more here. Eh.This girl looks like- 

 “This is my Pandora box, or also known Her Pandora.” He started to talk and he smiled again while reminiscing back what he had done before. 
“I need you to sit down quietly and just listened my story okay.” She just nodded looking benign and tame. 

“Long time ago, when I was still in college and only 22, I met a girl. She was repulsive, arrogant and energetic. Whatever my friend says about her I just let it pass by because I know she is perfect. Perfect for me. She was beautiful with her radiant glow. She walks gracefully and when she speak, she speak for herself. She didn't even bother what other people are saying about her. If she wants to wear yellow shirt with red bag and blue skinny jeans, she will. She just do it. Even though people would say a color block is walking. Haha. 

I searched about her everywhere. The only things I know about her at that moment was she still in her junior year. It means that she still young and immature. That’s how she was. I tried to get closer to her but I just don’t have the guts to ask her out. After few weeks of thinking of her even when I was in the shower or while I was eating, I already made a decision. I decide only to watch her from afar. I can’t do it because I know her league is different from mine. I was shy and lack of confident while she was being circled with a lot of awesome friends. 

For almost two years I've only been watching her from afar while I focused on my study. On some rare occasion, we would be in the same hall room or same places and I will take some souvenirs from her. At first I just want to take a candy wrap she had just ate, but then it became a hobby. Oh god, now when I think about it again, I do sound like a pervert.” He smiled heavily.

“I never meant to be a creeper but the heart wants what the heart wants. That’s the only thing I could do at that moment as I was so stupid back then. That proves a even handsome man like me can act ridiculous when it come to a girl.” She giggles and looked at him again. 

“ Then, she loves to go the library. Not to study, but to read novels. Can you believe that? There was once, I looked what she had been doing. She loves to read those novels but she only spending her time there to read the summary and a few last chapter of the books she read. She just read the endings. Who on earth read novels only to read the endings? 

Then, it was her birthday coming. So I bought her a present. A new book from Nicholas Spark. I wrapped it and put it into a beautiful box to give it to her. You don’t know how much time I took to put on the courage I needed to meet her. Her birthday arrived, and I still remember I walked towards her slowly while she was sitting on the bench reading a book. As I remembered, she already read half of it. I’ve been thinking that must a really good book as she already made it to the half. But then, I saw a glimsp of that book. It was the same book I want to give to her. Quickly I made a u turn from her and walked away to somewhere else. What was I thinking? She doesn't even know me and I want to give her a present? Am I insane? Am I crazy? Don’t worry honey, I’m not insane. I’m just being ridiculous.

She was inhaling and exhaling deeply again. But this time she knows where would this story going to end. She really felt familiar about that girl.

 But then another opportunity approached. I have a friend which is his girlfriend is friend with her friend roommate. Do you understand it honey?”

She shook her head.

“How I would describe this? Okay, my friend A had a girlfriend B, and B has a roommate. That roommate is that girl’s friend. So, one day they went on a vacation for that mid semester break. Since my friend is in her circle too, he followed that trip too. They went to the beach and by the time they need to go home and packing things up again, her orange shirt had been missing and was found by B when they got back home. It was in B’s bag. But A and B know how I feel about her and they kept it a secret as I asked for things to be like that. They came with this creative idea by asking me to give that shirt back to her while I was finishing my final year project. I agreed and told them I will give it back to her.

 But by then, I was too busy and depressed on finishing my final year project. Only a few weeks before my last semester is over my friend asked me about it. I just told him I already gave up on her while actually I’m not. I just want to finish my degree and get out from there to start a new life. I was a nerd, shy and nervous to talk to the girl I adored so much when I was in college. So I decided to move on. 

Moreover, I kept a lot of picture of her. I can looked for her back if I want to. Or just keep the memory in my heart. Some I got it from my friend and some I took it myself when she didn't even aware. I didn't mean to be a stalker, obsessive or whatsoever. I just love her the way she is. But sometimes there a things that is better to be lay down. To be kept only. It was really my intention only to watch her from afar. I don’t want to be meddling with her student life. She was so young and free. There is a lot of things she can do rather than involving herself in some love story that can wait. 

On the day I’m having my graduation ceremony, that is the moment I decide to stop it all. I put all the things I collect about her in a box, this box.

She keep quiet. Not even moving while listening to his story.

 I got a job near to my hometown and start being a workaholic. I want to be mature and be responsible to my life, on what I've been doing and all these lovey dovey things can wait until I’m ready enough. 


Until that one day.

 A year later, there was a new internship student in my company where I had been working on. Only after a few weeks I can saw who she is. It was that girl. Can you believe that, honey? I've been trying so hard and I almost made it to forget everything about her but then she came here. 

I can’t even breath normally. 
I was exited but I can’t breathe. Thinking she will be here for the next few months already made my hearts ill and remember what had I done before about her. My hearts were ill and jittery. How can I focused on my work if she was here now? I was terrified. I tried to act normal.

But then, a few weeks later, I heard a voice calling my name. It was her. She approached me asking where would she found the stationery room to find the bullet for her stapler gun. My heart was pumping blood double faster than before. Even when she smiled, I can see my week will be topnotch. All just because her smile. 

And that’s it. The rest is history.” He's laughing amusingly and waited for her reaction.
 But then he stopped laughing.

 She was frozen. Unmoved. She didn't even blink her eyes. She was sitting there between his legs for five minutes and kept staring him and back forward to that box. She still processing the information and her eyes became rigid, slowly, she relaxed her body and a soft smile came out from his lips. 


“I don’t know you were there all this time, dear.” She talked thoughtlessly as if she was in real shocked.

“it’s okay. If you know, you would have thought I am a creepy guy and we wouldn't be married right now.” He smirked and tilted his head a little to the left to see her face. Can she accept what i had done? I can only pray for now. 

“Well, this is new to me.”

“I know. That is why I don’t want to tell you. But I married a detective. I should have seen this to happen.”

“ha.ha.ha. Do you think that this is funny? Wait until I become Incredible Hulk.”

“ Wow, you have so many transformation. I think you watch Ben 10 too much.” Then, there was a strong punch from her elbow straight to his right abdomen. He cringed and smiled. That was a hell of a punch from a girl. That’s not even a girl, she’s my wife.

“Okay, I spill it out already. Come on. Let’s eat. I’m hungry again and i am too embarrassed to be here right now. That story really needs a lot of courage to tell it off you know.” He stood up and lean forward to take the box and walked into the storage room again.

“Awww dear. You are shy? Come on. Tell me more, tell me more please. I am sure there is much more you don’t want to tell me.” She stood up and hop like a rabbit towards him. It is just three to four steps forward.

“Eat.”

“No.”

“I’m hungry again.”

“But I’m not.” She laughed again.

“How on earth I can love you, and married you?”

“Hey, I’m not the one who’s been following you around since college.”

“I stopped remember?”

“I know.” She smirked and walked towards the kitchen. 

“You are so irritatingly charming.” 

“Well, I am. That’s my secret. I Irritate you then I seduce you.” She giggles.

He rolled his eyes and she’s laughing again. 

But this time, she don’t need to worry about that key anymore. There will still be a lot of 
tomorrow, secrets to dig, and love to fight for.

She’s wondering if he knows her secret too? About him. Well , that’s his job to find out. :P

***the end***

rezeki.

pray harder.
Allah will always hear it.
either sooner or later.

Marriage Isn't For You

Now before you start making assumptions, keep reading.

I met my wife in high school when we were 15 years old. We were friends forten years until…until we decided no longer wanted to be just friends. :) I strongly recommend that best friends fall in love. Good times will be had by all.

Kim and I

Nevertheless, falling in love with my best friend did not prevent me from having certain fears and anxieties about getting married. The nearer Kim and I approached the decision to marry, the more I was filled with a paralyzing fear. Was I ready? Was I making the right choice? Was Kim the right person to marry? Would she make me happy?

Then, one fateful night, I shared these thoughts and concerns with my dad.

Perhaps each of us have moments in our lives when it feels like time slows down or the air becomes still and everything around us seems to draw in, marking that moment as one we will never forget.

My dad giving his response to my concerns was such a moment for me. With a knowing smile he said, “Seth, you’re being totally selfish. So I’m going to make this really simple: marriage isn’t for you. You don’t marry to make yourself happy, you marry to make someone else happy. More than that, your marriage isn’t for yourself, you’re marrying for a family. Not just for the in-laws and all of that nonsense, but for your future children. Who do you want to help you raise them? Who do you want to influence them? Marriage isn’t for you. It’s not about you. Marriage is about the person you married.”

It was in that very moment that I knew that Kim was the right person to marry. I realized that I wanted to make herhappy; to see her smile every day, to make her laugh every day. I wanted to be a part of her family, and my family wanted her to be a part of ours. And thinking back on all the times I had seen her play with my nieces, I knew that she was the one with whom I wanted to build our own family.

My father’s advice was both shocking and revelatory. It went against the grain of today’s “Walmart philosophy”, which is if it doesn’t make you happy, you can take it back and get a new one.

No, a true marriage (and true love) is never about you. It’s about the person you love—their wants, their needs, their hopes, and their dreams. Selfishness demands, “What’s in it for me?”, while Love asks, “What can I give?”

Some time ago, my wife showed me what it means to love selflessly. For many months, my heart had been hardening with a mixture of fear and resentment. Then, after the pressure had built up to where neither of us could stand it, emotions erupted. I was callous. I was selfish.

I realized that I had forgotten my dad’s advice. While Kim’s side of the marriage had been to love me, my side of the marriage had become all about me. This awful realization brought me to tears, and I promised my wife that I would try to be better.

To all who are reading this article—married, almost married, single, or even the sworn bachelor or bachelorette—I want you to know that marriage isn’t for you. No true relationship of love is for you. Love is about the person you love.

And, paradoxically, the more you truly love that person, the more love you receive. And not just from your significant other, but from their friends and their family and thousands of others you never would have met had your love remained self-centered.

Truly, love and marriage isn’t for you. It’s for others.

::source::

Lovely isn't it?

i don't think it make sense at all. 

but,

i am smiling right now. thinking how on earth i would devoted myself to one person for all my life.

:)

p/s : we as a muslim, should never forget, to love someone, or being loved, is from Allah. 

to Him we may ask, to Him we may concern :')

heading to 2014

we are heading to 2014.
what is the best thing you have done this year?
is it good?
or bad?

Peti ais harga 729 je uollss ??! COURTS

so, last monday my mom and i went to the nearest Courts nak beli peti ais.
sebab peti ais kat rumah tu sangatlah menyedihkan.
we had been using it for the past 12 years and it still standing strong but kaki semua nak tercabut dah.
bila tengok ya allah sedih gila kita punya peti ais macam ni tp makanan dalam tu kalah family anak sepuluh.

lagipun kononnya bila check newspaper Courts ada buat salesssss uolssss sapa tak exited freaking out. LOL

bila sampai, cariklah terus mana y berkenan tu,
okay RM729 for capacity 210L.
ok la ni.

but then, bila kami baca balik the promotion, macam pelik je ni.

The price is only RM729 if you pay under FIVE YEARS contract.
and siap tulis kat situ cuma bayar RM6.06 for A WEEK.

but bila bayar cash kat situ jugak, it is RM969.

cuba engkorang kira RM6.06/week darab 5 tahun ??

RM1454.40± tahu?

aku rasa macam nak mengucapkan kata-kata amarah mencarut kat situ jugak.
kojaqqqqqq betul.

sebab aku sedih.
berapa ramai la melayu kena tipu hidup2 macam ni?
isk.
T.T


so my mom said it's okay, better we pay cash.
but after that, tak jadi beli pun kat situ. usha tempat lain dulu.
rasanya banyak lagi kedai2 sederhana kat tempat lain mampu bg harga y tak melampau mcm tu.
beli kat uncle Cina yang boleh bayar 2 3 bulan pun ok dah.


ke semua orang dah tahu COURTS memang cenggini?
aku je y naifff betul tak tahu?
haha

okbai.

frozen

kau tahu bila rasa tertipu?

tertipu dengan selama ini punya kisah?

buta dengan semua yang diberi?

i was always thought it was the other way around. 

i beg asking for forgiveness thinking this how it should be.

but it is not. 

how stupid i am.

why i never ask about it before?

why yana. 

why. 

why am i being so gullible. 

everything is frozen. 

i dont know what to do. 

it was obvious until today. 

why i cant see it before. 

Second Visit.

alhamdulillah, at last, everything went well.
i can't say much.
fearing there might be some other things may come up.
thank you Allah for letting everything became eased today.

Jade Blue Closet

sebenarnya aku nak bagitaw.

itteww dah ade online shop. ihik ihik
haha.

actually my mom wanna start it, but since her knowledge about facebook is so depressing for me,
aku lah jadi co-manager.

i do wanna start something, but i dont know how or just being shy.
but alhamdulillah Allah made my mom a wonderful woman.
whatever she wanna do, she just do it without any hesitation walaupun kadang kadang pening jugak nak layan.

engko bayangkan tetiba,
"esok mak rasa nak buat kenduri lah. jom beli barang skrg. da petang ni."

yes. we did the kenduri.



so, for this month , and next month ada sale handbag taw. banyak gila aku berkenan. hahaha

meh cuci mata meh :)

FYI, all of this are the high grade  AAA. :')
yang ni supplier nak habeskan stok. so , mmg murah gila. sebab harga biasa usually rm150 above.

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

Micheal Kors

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

MK

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM70

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

free postage SM

RM60

well, ade banyak lagi sebenarnya.

ada kat sini taw.

ni ha Jade Blue Closet. 

thank you :')

Result Masker Tomato :D

i had tried the tomato masker last night.
it was good indeed.  :D
i only took a half of the tomato.
potong ikut sukahati.
since it was my first time wearing it, i  really don't know how to cut it.
either thin or bold.

i just put it in a cup and penyek2kan dia.
tapi tak jadi sangat pun ahahaha
by the way, tomato tu nanti keluarkan air banyak gila.
so i did lay down first, baru letak kat muka.
it was a mess. haha.
so, after about 20 minutes, the tomato became kinda smelly. not bad smelly.
it's just the smeel of tomatoes being put in a warm water. dia jadi mcm bau tomato lah kan. tp lagi kuat.
so, masa tu lah basuh muka.

and my skin became much more tegang
and tak tahu lah kalau placebo effect ke ape kan tapi nampak lah macam putih sikit. haha
bukan putih y betul2 putih dah tp more macam regain you real skin dulu la. mcm sparkling gittew.
malam ni boleh buat lagi lah. hihi
actually berbanding petua2 yang lain, aku rasa y ni paling senang. plus, timun kat mata tu.
potong, penyek2kan ,letak kat muka. dah.

sesuai untuk kita yang tak ada masa ni. sbb banyak masa habiskan untuk tidurkannn. i know. :P

nope. tak ada gambar. i forgot to take before and after pic. skrg pun tgh pakai compact powder. tak real lah kannn.

but, nak tahu result orang lain go here
and macam mana nak buat here.
i didnt follow how her did it sbb da buat baru google macam mana orang lain buat. LOL

p/s : actually masa pakai tu adela rase macam gatal sikit. tak tahu kenapa. tapi lepas basuh okay je, takde merah2 ke, bengkak ke, bertambah gatal lg ke, maybe it;s just a side effect nak bersihkan kulit.

Cerahkan Kulit Muka :)

Lately ni aku selalu dok belek muka depan cermin.
sebab apa?
sebab aku rasa asal kulit ni makin gelap. T.T
sebab aku tak pakai produk ape2 ke eh?
nak kata berjemur tak jugak, duduk office je ni.
Time driving kot?

macam mana ni. macam mana ni.

so i start my Google mission.
mostly result y bahasa melayu tunjuk tips semua mmg banyak.
tapi... banyak kerja nak buat. haha

so i'd found one.
actually i do felt dumb for a moment. why?
i just know about this tip.
sedangkan tomato ni hari2 ada dalam peti ais di rumah. eheh -,-'

USE TOMATO FOR WHITENING YOUR SKIN

1. Slice tomato into half and segregate the seeds.

2. Wash your face in circular motion and use your usual soap.

3. Rinse and pat dry.

4. Apply tomato in your face circular motion.

5. Leave it into 15 mins. To 30 mins. And if you want to fast whiten you skin you should leave in over night. You can see the result in the first day. Your face will become shine and whiten. You apply everyday as a good result.

As with essential amino acids, they are not produced by the human body. Lycopene us the most powerful antioxidant in the carotenoid family and, with vitamins C and E, protect us from the free radicals that degrade many parts of the body.

The writer said better kalau minum jus tomato jugak.

makan tomato pun terpaksa. duhh

oh 

and lagi satu

"  Dry orange peels in sun. When they are fully dried, grind them in a mixture and make powder. Add raw milk to it, make a paste and apply it on your skin everyday. Rinse it off with lukewarm water when dries. It's tested pack for skin whitening. "

"keringkan kulit oren, blender and buat serbuk. tambah susu untuk buat masker. done."

misi harini. 

masker tomato. 

things to do.

so many things to do.
too many things to plan.
so much things to catch up.
too much weight to bear.
with more of pressure from here.

ya Allah
show me the way.
show me the path.
and show me the strength i will have.

i'm not gonna cry. T.T

(Source)

review VCO Everlynn

actually, dari dulu lg aku nak makan VCO.
but kekangan masa sebagai student duit habis beli benda ntahpape aku tak beli2 pun.

anyway, since skrg tgh LI,
mcm ade la mase sket kan.
lebih2 lagi kawan sendiri, suhaira yang jual. haha.

so, after two weeks makan VCO tu,
oh and plus Vitamin C y bli kat Watsons je,
i do feel some changes.

1) Kulit rasa lain. kulit Rasa lagi lembab. lagi Moist giteww.
    especially kulit muka. Not bad la kan.kulit kat tempat lain pun rasa mcm kulit baby yuolss.
macam beza antara kek marble kering tu dgn kek vanilla moist.
ok lapar.

2) then, my bowel movements is getting healthier. Pagi2 mesti pergi toilet tanpa sebarang kesukaran. haha.

setakat ni tu jela y aku rasa.
yang lain lain tu kena tunggu lama sikit kot. hehe

.

i've never been so much depressed like today.
life do has its ups and down.
but this time, i crack, shattered myself all over the floor.
the waves that keep coming is so much high.

i dont even have the strength to cry anymore.
i've never feel this unstable.
emotionally unstable.



the worst thing is,
it's my birthday today.



Happy birthday,liyana.
May Allah bless you always.

masquerade

My mind
my heart
my body
my brain
are tired now.

i hide this ugly tears behind this mask
i leap against this feeling walking away nonchalantly
i put the joker smile and trick my eyes to move in tenuous path
i play this game without knowing the right card

everything is hidden
it's like a ball of masquerade in here

as long the ball is going on
there is a heart to be fed on

8 years memories.

he came back.
wished me selamat hari raya.
hoping i am fine here.
saying tergerak nak emel sekarang.
asking me how's life now.
and saying he's on the way to Barcelona Spain.
as i recalled, no , i never got postcard from Spain. will u give it again?
like what u did while u were in amsterdam, antwerp,chile, japan, afrika, and else.
and u will wrote the history of the countries you had visited for me.
will there be another keychain?
or handwrite letters?
yes i do remember.
but, it will be awkward now.

asking how's my other siblings now.
are they doing well as usual.
asking do i have any problem now.
and willing to help.
why you need to be so flair as usual.
like asking for hope.
why you never asked how i feel for the past 8 years. at least 3 years ago.
that's when you decided to leave.


well,i am in love now with someone else now.
let just faith decide it all.


happy belated birthday.

kalau hati ini mampu dirobek
apa aku sendiri mampu bertahan
hidup dibelenggu ketakutan
sampai bila mahu dipijakkan.
..

laptop hunting at Danga City Mall

so, i already bought my laptop yesterday :)

i decided to buy it early.
as soon as duit pinjaman masuk, that week jugak mmg kena beli. kalau tak, duit terbang entah ke mana.
lepas tu menangisi nasib kenapa duit laju je mengalir macam air terjun.

sampai kat danga city mall dalam pukul 10 pagi gitu. sbb bajet kedai dalam mall tu mesti dah buka kan.
rupanya kedai2 ni semua tutup lagi. kedai2 laptop semua tak buka lagi. yang buka cuma kedai lain je.
pukul 11.00 pagi baru bukak. itupun baru tarik grill. 11.15 baru la mcm ada rupa IT centre sket.

supposely beli leisure macam biasa kan? tapi takkkkk T.T sebab mak sekolah. ajak mak teman sbb igt sempat la balik rumah dulu, baru pergi sekolah tp rupanya kedai bukak pukul 11.15. jarak mall tu dgn rumah dah la satu jam lebih. sekolah hari sabtu. terkejar nak mencari laptop bajet <rm1500.  :'(

so, since dah tanya kat Forum A ni pasal laptop ape y sesuai dgn life as IT student and small budget, dah tahu nak laptop hunting brand apa.
ada dua je. either Lenovo G400s or Dell Inspiron 14-3437. both i3/2gb/500g.

first, mmg jumpa lenovo. G480 kalau tak silap. but, adik lelaki ada pakai yang ni. it does seems okay. dia pakai pun takda nak bising problem pape. buat men game DOTA okay je kan.
tapi hati nak try brand yang lain pulak lah. haha. pusing dua kali baru kedai jual Dell tu bukak hmmphhhhhhh

yes, mmg ada <1500. but it was dell Vostro. not Inspiron. Inspiron semua >1600.
tak tahu nak buat apa dah. nak pusing lagi, masa dah suntuk.
then, seller tu cakap, dell vostro also okay maaa. *mmg la. nak jual barang kan. semua barang okay.
i was reluctant at first, but what captured me was it has Windows 7. haha
walaupun windows 8 boleh install sendiri START button tp, until today kekok gila nak pakai. nak buat kerja pun susah. software banyak y tak compatible. blerghhhh.
anddd it is i3/2gb/500g. okay lah. walaupun katanya ni business edition, angkut je lahhh.
i asked for 4g ram. so tambah lagi rm75.

then, masa nak bayar. nampak external hard disk. cantik plak tuh. merah maroon . hihi. skali kan jelah.
last sem kat uni baru nak bli. lol.
it's quite affordable. 500g=rm158. 1tera mcm tak ada hati nak bli. maybe sebab makin sedih duit makin kurang. haha.

rabak poket.

vostro 2420

bertambah rabak poket.

and yes, i do recommend people buy your laptop there. or yang seangkatan dengannya.
sebab sumpah mmg banyak pilihan. no wonder my friend also recommended me to go there too. rambang mata. but be careful, look up for the tips how to buy laptops on internet. kadang2 dia tengok kita ni bebodoh je,senang la dia nak tipu kan.
tapi kalau kat tempat korang ada tempat nak beli takyah la nak pergi jejauh sampai danga city mall kan.
hihi.
pergi sana pun sbb memang kat kulai tak tahu nak beli kat mana. kalau  ada pun mmg tak banyak pilihan.

for those nak harga y lagi murah tp nak criteria mcm aku y beli, mmg ada. secondhand. tapi susah lah nak percaya. kita ni dahla perempuan. senang kena tipu. lepas tu, tak ramai kenalan, tak ramai network cm bebudak lelaki kan. nak cari criteria y sama and cheaper, kena kenal orang yang betul. kadang2 rm700 pun da dapat. so, nak tak nak, beli jugaklah yang harga macam ni. tak apa, rezeki Allah kita tak boleh jangka. macam2 boleh jadi :)


misi migrate data ke vostro yawww.




i love you baby vostro. keep healthy unlike my old compaq k. tahun ke-3 dah rosak motherboard. hmmphhh








okay. lepas ni, boleh puasa hari-hari yeee. (Y.Y)

.
.
.
.
.i should grow up faster.
ya Allah. help me.
help my family.
help my mom.
only You could give us strength now.
only You.

pendiam

minggu ni minggu ke lapan dah LI kat sini.
tp still rasa macam baru masuk.
mungkin sebab mulut ni kot y berat sangat bercakap.
macam mana nak jadi peramah eh?

one of the reason i dont want to be too much talkative to anyone new, is because takut tercakap benda yang tak patut, takut ter-tanya benda yang awkward, takut tersalah cakap, takut terjumpa orang yang dimana bila kita buka mulut je dia tahu kita ni di tahap mana dalam bidang kita, takut terdengar benda yang tak patut dengar, takut memacam lah.

but bukannya kita tak nak tegur. it's just that small thing y buat kita banyak fikir then terus taknak tegur dah.


.
.
.
..
or maybe just persetankan-semua-itu. dah dua orang kata aku terlalu pendiam. pendiam salah. tak pendiam pun salah.
do you know thee feeling when you know you deserve there but as just as replacement/practical-student/sit-on-the-benchmark/if-ada-opinion-pun-belum-layak-lagi-nak-menyuarakan-tapi-layak-buat-semua-kerja-y-diberi. you would be more careful kan.

ke aku sorang je y pikir camni?






hermmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

dapat coklat time-time macam ni pun bahagia dah T_T

berapa umur kita sebenarnya? serious talk.

not quite long ago, i had a conversation with my neighbor. i call her 'mokcik'. hihi.
and one day, i asked her a question.

me : mokcik, dulu masa mokcik mula-mula datang sini atuk cakap jiwa mokcik umur berapa? hihi

mokcik(Mc) : mase tu kita umur 26 tp atuk kata jiwa kita umur 12. hehe

me : yeke? dulu masa kita umur 18 atuk kata jiwa kita baru 14 tahun sebenarnya. huhu. kenape ek mokcik umur jiwa kita tak sama dgn badan?

mc : ohh haritu ada tanya N****(one of the person who is closest to atuk), dia cakap sebenarnya walaupun umur badan kita meningkat tapi ada orang roh dia tak ada kekuatan nak bergerak ke umur yang seterusnya. umur kita memang bertambah ikut tahun. tapi ROH kita tak. sebab setiap roh berlainan kekuatan dia. ROh pun ada makanan dia sendiri.

me: takde kekuatan? makanan? roh punya makanan? apa dia mokcik?

mc : N*** cakap ada tiga sahaja. Solat, Mengaji al-quran, dgn Zikir.

me: OOOooooo.

mc : sebab tu kadang-kadang ada kita tengok orang, umur dah tua, tapi perangai kalah orang muda. sebab umur roh dia tak sama dgn umur badan. kadang-kadang pulak kita tengok umur muda lagi,remaja lagi, tapi muka dia, perlakuan dia matang sangat. sebab tu la.

Me : oooooo..

mc : rasanya ada pernah ckp ,ada jugak kaitan dgn zaman kanak-kita. mokcik dulu ayah mokcik meninggal masa umur 12 la. ada ayah kan satu kebahagiaan jugak. tu yang jiwa berhenti kat umur tu je.
     yela. mcm ada benda yang tak cukup. macam mana jiwa nak bergerak kan.

me : a'ahla. ayah kita dulu pun meninggal masa umur kita 14 tahun. mmg rasa semuanya hilang kan. unmoved. literally unmoved.

mocik : tu la. sbb tu kena kumpul kekuatan. doa dgn Allah.solat,ngaji,zikir. kadang-kadang kita solat pun lupa minta Allah berikan kekuatan. dah ada kekuatan, baru umur roh mampu nak meningkat. tapi masa tu budak-budak kan. solat pun cukup tak cukup, ngaji pun kena paksa. hahaha

me : hahahaha. mokcik skang agak-agak umur mokcik dah berapa? hehe

mc : kita tanya dah,hehe. katenye dah lepas 20 tahun la. muda kan?kan? kan? hahaha

me : lol. haha. kita dah lama tak tanya atuk. berapa la umur kite sekarang agaknya.

mc : mesti ade naik. asalkan buat 3 tu, bagi roh kekuatan sendiri.

me : okay.


dalam hati, cukup ke amalan hidup ni . tetiba sedih.


persoalannya, berapa umur anda sekarang? mihmih





p/s : mokcik is married n 30++y/o :D

panjang betul dia taip, so share kat sini lah :)

Cerita penceraian aku dgn isteri ni berlaku pd taun lepas . Kitorg da 9 taun kawen , & da ade 2 org anak . Mase tu aku ade dkat office , dapat 1st sms dri isteri . ' Assalam abg , Ina nak mintak cerai dri abg . Harap abg dapat tunaikan . ' Tersentak aku . Knape pulak tibe2 . Aku xblas ap2 sms dri isteri . Jam pulak dah pkul 5 waktu aku bersiap utk ambil isteri balik kje . Sampai ke office die pn dalam roughly pkul 5.30 ptg . Die masuk dalam kereta dan diam . Aku pn mula la bukak suara , ' kita ke tasik titiwangsa nak ? ' . Die jwb ringkas , 'ok ' . Xjauh pn dalam 10 minit dah smpai sebab tempat keje die kat area jalan Ampang . Jalan pn xjem sgat time tu . Kitorg duduk dkat satu pondok . Aku mule bertanye .

Aku : Why so sudden ? Skrg da rase abg xcukup kacak ke ? ( aku cube bergurau )
Ina : Sebenarnye ina da agak letih . Kesihatan abg xpernah baik . Setiap pkul 3 pgi , ina mesti bgun buatkan abg air jus epal utk ubat sakit batu krg abg , tapi xpernah baik . Mlm smlm ina bgun pkul 3 lagi , buatkan air . Smpai ke office plak , pendrive ina rosak , dlam tu ade dokumen yg bos nak , ina dah kne marah . Smpai waktu lunch , ina beli mknn , bihun tu basi plak . Mcm2 hal jdi hari ni . Nak balik tdi , kaki ina terpeleot smpai jatuh kat dpan client . Malu la abg . Ina xcukup tidur , ina nak mintak cerai .

Memang betul . Dah lame tp kesihatan aku xpernah baik . Aku ditakdirkan terkena batu karang . Da mcm kaedah berubat tapi xjugak baik . Da 3 taun . Ubat tradisional . Aku pn xpernah gune alternatif perubatan laser sbb mhal . Jus epal yg aku minum tu cume bole reduce sakit ap yg aku alami ni . Kalau x malam2 aku mesti berdarah jugk la . Financial pulak problem sbb anak aku kne hinggap lelah , so duit byak keluar utk die msuk wad . Aku bgi jawapan utk isteri .

Aku : Abg sbenarnye agak terkedu . Tapi ina da buat keputusan . Abg berkahwin dgn ina bersebab . Klau bukan utk bhagiakan ina , utk spe lagi . Tapi ina xbhagia , abg kne pulangkan balik hak ina . Ina berhak utk lebih bhagia drpd skrg . Abg mintak maaf atas ap yg ina dah lalu ni . Mgkin 3 taun mse abg tgah sakit ni byak buatkan hati ina menangis . Tapi takdir Allah ni abg xboleh tolak . Abg kne truskan jugk kehidupan . Abg tunaikan permintaan ina utk lepaskan ina . Abg redha sbb abg sygkan ina . Ini pn tggungjwb . Tapi mggu dpan abg lafazkan cerai bole ? Lagipn mggu dpan abg outstation , ank2 kite pulak cuti skolah . Takut diorg terkejut pulak bnd yg dtg tiba2 ni . Soal pembahagian anak tu abg xkan berebut . Kite ad 2 anak , abg akan ambil yg sulung , ina ambil yg bongsu . Utk sminggu ni , abg tidur dkat ruang tamu atas sofa . Mgkin anak2 xkan syak sbb abg akan buka tv smpai pgi mse abg tido . Terima kasih atas jagaan ina slame 9 taun ni . Da mcm2 yg kite tempuh . Ina jgn menangis lagi . Air mate ina tu sgat berharga . Bila kita dah xbersama nnt , ina jgn lupe utk tutup suis sterika pgi2 . Lepas ina gosok tudung , ina mesti lupe . Abg xmrah . Kereta kita ni manual , ina dah lame xbwak manual kan ? Esok abg akan hantar utk tuka gearbox auto . Ina boleh pkai kereta , abg pkai moto je pegi kje . Safety first ina , pkai seat belt mse memandu . Ina slalu lupe , tapi abg pkaikan .
Ina : Minggu dpan ? Boleh la , lagipn mse tu cuti skolah , ina akan bwak budak2 balik kg . Ok .

Dalam mse smggu tu , aku tidur dkat luar . Bernyamuk jugk & pnas sbb air cond dkat dlam bilik . Aku jenis tido mati , berpeluh pn lena je tido . Tapi ina tu xpenah lupe utk bgun pagi buatkan aku jus epal utk aku minum , seperti kebiasaan . Da bermcm dvd jugk aku tgk kat rumah tu , walhal xpenah2 tgk dvd slame ni . Cume tau beli je . Tu pn ina yg nak sbb lepak mapley je msti beli satu dvd . Aku dgn die ni xsme taste , mane la aku suke cerita jiwang2 ni . Huhu . Smpailah cukup smggu hari sabtu pagi .

Aku : ina , abg nak cakap sket ni . Dtg dkat abg kejap bole ?
Ina : ye abg , knape ?
Aku : abg da jnji dgn ina abg nak lepaskan ina , abg nak lafazkan cerai .
Ina : hah ? Xboleh abg . Jangan ! Ina sygkan abg . Ina da buat keputusan yg slah . Ina mintak maaf . Kite balik smula ye abg . Ina lupe dgn janji abg , tapi ina xbiase bile abg xde . Org yg boleh fham ina dgn baik cume abg . Ina xkan ulang bnd ni lagi dkat abg . ( Ina menangis . Nasib baik anak2 ad dkat luar rumah , kitorg dkat dapur )
Aku : abg dah lame ampunkan ina . Ina xslah dlam hal ni . Abg pn susah hati bile ina xde . Takdir Allah , tuhan da baikkan hati ina . Abg tipu sunat dkat ina . Sbnrnye abg xde outstation . Abg bgi alasan tu sbb abg nak ina bertenang utk ina fikir balik keputusan ap yg ina dah buat . Abg mintak maaf . Dah 9 taun , abg pn xbiase klau xtgk kecantikan ina waktu pgi tanpa mekap . Abg rase sejuk . Walaupn ina tidur dgn berbagai gaya . Sendawa ina lepas makan , betul2 buat abg tergelak . Lnsung xcover . Tapi tu la , klau ina xnak kat abg ni , abg makin tua makin tampan . Melepas la ina .
Ina : abg niiii . ( ina pn peluk aku ) . Ina shampoo rambut abg nnt nak ? Da slalu rase air tgan ina ni bru la abg xmenggatal .
Aku : Hamboii . Bodek num 1 . Haha .

Alhamdulillah aku dgn ina xjdi bercerai . Takdir Allah hubugn tu slamat dgn masa . Ad care sbnrnye mcm mane aku nak tackle problem ni . Alasan die sbb die letih bgun pgi buat jus epal utk aku . Die kene tau , level die sbgi isteri die terpaksa buat . Aku xpernah pakse , cume aku ni pn org yg susah utk bangun seawal 3 pgi . Huhu . Tapi terpaksa die ni adalah kerja utk Allah . Yelah sbb jge suami kan . Dari hati yg terpakse tu die akan ikhlas . Macam solat . Org yg nak berubah die kne bentuk diri die dgn solat . Die buat dlam keadaan memaksa . Tapi hati ni milik Allah . Lame2 die akan ikhlas & redha . Ikhtiar aku , cume aku berdoa mintak die dilembutkan hati . Standard org perempuan , emosi die ni turun naik . Bile emosi die naik , moral die akan down & marah . Time ni la die kurg sabar . Bile buat keputusan , mmg die akan ikut ape aje yg terlintas . Die akan capai yg mane ade dulu dalam fikiran die . Emosi die xstabil . 

Ina ni agak pelupa . Sebenarnye ade helah knp aku bawak die ke tasik titiwangsa dulu mse die mintak cerai . Kat situ mulanya date kitorg dulu . Waktu tu , Ina tersalah dial telefon . Angka cuma lari 1 je dari num yg die nak dial tu . Die cari Ramli mase tu . Aku bile dgar suara perempuan je , ape lagi . Gune kan lah teknik penyamaran . Lagipn suara die ni sedap didengar sbb suara manje . Lagilah aku lentok . Cume die cakap laju je . Kete die tgah problem mase tu sbb xleh nak start ( kete kancil ni da jual , aku beli kete baru ). Aku bgi die troubleshoot . Tapi die xpndai sbb org perempuan kan . Bab2 ni die xlaju . Kesian pn ade sbb dgar suara die dah nak nanges . Lagilah aku xjdi nak menipu , aku ckap aku bukan Ramli . Aku cakap aku dtg nnt , kalau die sudi . Die dah start risau , tapi aku gtau waktu siang ni . Aku xmungkin nak culik die . Klau die ade rase ragu2 , die boleh jarakkan diri 50 meter dri aku & start menjerit klau nampak aku ni meragukan nnt . Niat cume nak tolong . Aku smpai & jumper battery die balik & kete boleh start . Tapi die xjarakkan dri aku pn , die tgk dgn penuh minat & penuh dgn pertanyaan . Aku pn tanye la , ' dalam kete awak ni ade payung berger x ? ' die tnye ' kenape ? ' . Aku jawab , ' kalau ade , sy nak bukak kaunter pertanyaan kat sini ' . Die kate aku perli pulak . Haha . Kete die mmg kemas & superb wangi . Die bukak pintu kete & ambil air twister mase tu bgi dekat aku . Aku balas , ' Aih xkan ni je . Nasik2 xde ke ? Kot ade jamuan ringan nnt , jgn lupe call pulak . Sy ni kuat makan ' . Tu la 1st aku tgk die senyum & gelak . Memang mengekek . ' Aih minah ni . Ade bela ke , ' tanye aku dalam hati . hahaha . 

Memang betul . Tiap kali gaduh ni , 1st thing yg aku akan recall , mcm mane aku boleh kenal ina ni & knp mesti aku mule bercinta dgn die dulu . Mase tu da berlalu . Bab ni mmg pentg . Itulah resepi knp aku dgn die bole bertahan smpai 9 taun lamenye . Tapi mate die mmg sgat cantik . Mungkin tu sbb knape aku terpikat dgn die kot . Main2 mate dgn aku , mane aku boleh than . Cair terus . Haha

Sblum kawen dgn ina ni , aku da kaji habis-habisan ape watak die . Tapi mse bercinta tu xnampak . Agak tricky jugk , xkn la xde salah lansung . Makan pn elok je sopan . Macam aku makan dgn permaisuri agong plak . Haha . Tapi mse bercinta dulu ina da terkantoi . Aku tgk tudung die ad sikit terbakar . So aku tanye kenapa . Die kate die nak cepat tdi sbb aku da nak dtg . Dri situ sbenarnye aku tau die seorg yg agak kurg sabar . Die xprepare awal sblum aku nak dtg . Org mcm ni die cpat buat keputusan bila die mrah . 

Orgnya sensitif . & die seorg yg simple . Simple tu sbb die suke knekan pkaian yg ringkas . Die xpndai pilih baju . Sluar jeans die pn akak die yg belikan .Die takut pd lipas , so aku agak die seorg yg pengemas . Bwah katil die mesti clear xde brg . Klau x die xsng tido . 

Penyayang , tu pn sbb die bela kucing . Waktu kucing die mati dulu , aku ade & die riba mayat kucing tu . Kucing tu dah berdarah2 , tapi die msih boleh riba . 

Concern , tu pn sbb die tgk budak2 laki xsolat , lepak2 dkat mapley . Die tanye aku dah solat blom , die risau klau aku xsolat , mcm mane aku nak jge die esok2 . 

Family first , mse aku kenal die , die cpat2 bgtau family die yg die tgah berkenalan dgn aku . 

Caring , stiap pgi die xkan lupe utk bgi salam dkat aku & die xnak aku kerja lebih mse sbb takut kesihatan aku terabai . 

Talkative , klau berckp telefon dgn die , 10 minit pn xcukup utk 1 sesi . 

Tabah , die pernah sakit tapi die slalu sedapkan ati kuatkan diri utk family die , xnak family die risau keadaan die . 

Terurus , die suke pd bnd yg wangi , die secara natural xade bau yg mengharukan . 

Friendly , die seorg yg suke b'kwn tapi kdg2 org suke amek kesempatan pd kebaikan die ni .

Rajin memasak , die suke klau bab2 nak suro aku try makan ni . Tapi die ttap xpndai buat nsik grg . Mee grg ok . Lagipn , die ni jenis yg xmakan nasik . 

Cantik , ini yg kdg2 buat aku risau ( jeles memanjang ) . Die ade kacukan korea & die gebu orgnye . Tapi da slmat jdi isteri aku pn . So aku xrisau . She's really a perfect girl to be married .

Ingat bro . Perempuan ni die perlukan perhatian . Kesilapan paling utama , bile ko buat die menangis . Time ni la , cerita yg xde bakal diada2 kan . Sbb die confuse . Org laki ni plak suke buat org perempuan confuse . Bile marah @ kecik ati je diam . Klau yg pnas baran tu , mgkin naik tgan la . Maki2 ke . Ini lansung xgentleman . Alam perkahwinan ni lain . Susah mmg ade , tapi seronok pn ad . Aku kawen dgn ina waktu die msih mude , die bru abes blaja . Pembawakan die agak kebudak-budakan tapi perlahan2 die matang bile da jdi isteri . Byak part yg die akan blaja , secara automatiknye die akan pndai . Contoh , die xpndai gsk baju kemeja dlu sbb die xpernah buat . Aku ajr die gosok , smpai skrg die pndai , baju kemeja aku mmg kemas . Member2 msti tego , ko pkai baju bru ke ni ? Kembg semangkuk sat . Bini pndai jage , mmg tip top lah hasilnye aku ni . Hehehe .

Blanje aku nasik kandar berbuka nnt boleh ? Aku da penat turunkan ko ilmu ni nik . Lauk tambah ye . Haha

~ pengalaman ni diceritakan balik oleh seorg sahabat , kpd aku . Baik sbnrnye utk panduan org lelaki . Secara overall prgi org perempuan lebih kurg sme . Cume tanggungjwb kita utk lebih memahami . Salam Ahad 

************

Source