adult.

i refuse to be an adult.
i want to run away.frankly.
i want to live just for me and my problems.
but that's not gonna happen.
because,
it is already being my problem.
being an adult.
and accepting every single thing that gonna happen.

missing you.

i miss everyone.
so much.
life study lg best. :'(

What's Life For?

since atuk left,
he doesnt left me and my family only,
he left others more than 20 family that lives under his protection and support.
that's how it roles here.
and how much i miss him.

it's already a few weeks since atuk left,
and sejak tu jugak , i always wondering
what is the truly ultimate meaning and purpose of this life?
why do we live?
why do we have to go through all this already plotted drama and stories?
why do we have to be here?
why people need to be here?
why Allah gives a lot and take it back ?
why we need to be here if there is nothing left to be done anymore?
why we still here even when Allah know what we do here, and there is even a book to collect our deeds and sins?
why Allah sent my atuk and take it back?
doesnt He knows i needs atuk????

all these thoughts clearly has been dancing in my mind.
always.
before i went to bed,
after i woke up,
while i'm driving,
while i'm walking
eating
watching tv,
having a bath,
solat,
even while i'm reading newspaper.

it's not like we'd never been teach about this before.
we know we are gonna die, and do a lot of good deeds,amal semua.
but this time, it really captured me.
there is this enormous question marks inside my head asking why we are here.

i feel a hole.
a hole that need an answer.

than,after weeks of thinking about it,
i went back home late last night.
while driving through the dark road in the village,
sampai tanah merah,
a sound of whisper in my heart says,

"Yana, hidup ini untuk mati.
  mati. "

i stumbled.
i cracked.
i want to cry.
but don't know what's for.
but maybe because it is true.
hidup ini memang untuk mati.
segalanya tentang mati.
apa yang kita buat, semuanya menuju pada satu benda.
mati.
sebab mati pembuka segala rahsia dan jalan.

it's been there all these years.
only now i want to see it,
because we only see what we want to see
hear what we want to hear.

hidup ini untuk mati.
we were born because Allah want to see who is strong enough to face death.
kita hamba.
hamba yang dicipta,
the ultimate prove that Allah maha berkuasa.
He can creates what He wants,
He can destroys what He wants.

for now,
i believes life is not about searching the right things to do.
it is to do the things that has been given to us right. dengan betul.

this life is too short
because after we are facing death,
we are eternity.
infinite.
our soul will be living an infinity world.
no end.

do whatever you want,
but do it with a "bekal" untuk mati.

atuk always said,
"yang penting hati. hati ni yang kena jaga"

now i understand it,atuk.
take care of the hearts, the point of all things in mind.
and the behaviour will be taken care of too.

people say life starts when you were born.
or life start when you are 40s.
for me now i believe, life starts when you are already dead.
that's the start of the journey.
here, in this world, is only the preparation.
to prepare for the worst case.
either lepas ke tak titian siratulmustaqim.
that titian is true indeed.
atuk even said a lot of things about that titian.
the sentences i remembered the most,
he said, "tak semua orang lepas"
i'm really scared at that time. he said it in front of me.
everyone knows that's true.

frankly, i have lost my passion to do things.
because for a moment, i had thought,
apa guna belajar tinggi2,
apa guna cari pasangan hidup,
apa guna kerja gaji tinggi,
apa guna cari rezeki,
tapi at the end, you die and end up in hell.

too many people berpegang pada phrase,
 "hanya orang islam sahaja at the end tetap masuk syurga even memula masuk neraka. orang kafir je tetap dalam neraka"

well, give me the definition of "kafir"?
how sure you are non-muslim tak ada yang masuk syurga?
how sure you are they will not die as a muslim?
and,
how sure you are you will die as a muslim?
you are born with it but are sure you will die in it?

i'm really worried about that phrase.
it made people do things that shouldnt be done.

i live.
but i lost.
i want to do things again.
with passion.
but do it right.
and as usual, the answer is already here all the time,
which is,
do it dengan keredhaan Allah.
dengan izinNya.
dengan namaNya.

the way atuk showing us,
every breath should be full with "lailahailallah" - لااله الا الله.
that's how it done actually.
but we think of it as some burden.
mcm mana nak berzikir tiap masa kalau banyak benda yang nak difikirkan?
people will say "kemain alim"
but dont you see, that how it suppose to be.
that's how it works.
that's is how life suppose to be.
how it should be in our life.
it's just, we dont want to believe it, because we are too busy.
me too.

i used to be like that.
"gila apa setiap masa nak berzikir? bukannya kita tak ingat Allah selalu."
now,
i understand what it really means.

i'm trying.

and i understand now why Allah took atuk.
one of the reason is,
to teach ourselves,
be strong for who you are.
cukupkan bekal kerana Allah.
banyak dah ilmu atuk tinggalkan,
tinggal nak buat je,
kuat ke tak nak buat,
rajin ke tak nak buat,
that's it.



"banyakkanlah bekal, baru kita semua boleh jumpa sama2 kat sana" -atuk



life would never be the same after this.
i see world in different view now.
or maybe for now.
that's why i wrote here.
to remind myself how fragile and strong i was.
so i can always be okay.
always seeks for death and live at the same time.


dont worry,
i will always be me.
but i will stay here.
till the end.
insyaAllah.

coldness.

sejuk gila bak hangggg
it is already cold here at night.
tambah lg dgn angin siberia.
sejukkkkkkkkkk

i slept with 3 pillow on my body last night to endure the coldness.

even cici workout now is only sleeping. -,-'

7 hari selepas jiwa saya pergi.

last saturday, cukup 7 hari atuk dah tak ada.
and we are still tremendously sad.
the first three days are the hardest.

crying all the time.
swollen eyes.
and blurry minds.

outsiders would never understand what atuk really means to us.
he was the one that willing to save us years ago.
when no one really unable to help us, to give us the protection,
tempat berlindung dan tempat bergantung . :'(
Allah sent him to save us and other people yang betul2 memerlukan.

i still remember the first time i met atuk.
he still look like a stranger to me.
it was never occur in my mind he would be this important to my life.

berubat.berubat dengan atuk lain caranya.
tanpa sebarang tangkal.
tanpa sebarang pantang larang.
hanya bergantung kepada kekuatan diri.
dan bacaan ayat al quran serta zikir yang perlu dibaca sendiri.
menjadi pelindung diri.

the second time we came,
atuk said we have to move out from the current house.
because the plan of that evil-jerk was to kill us all.
satu keluarga.
the pain. the pain was excruciating. enough to make me pray to Allah please take my life now if this what i would go through until i die.
if we stay outside, no one would knows what would happen to us.

we moved here.
it takes time to adjust,
from having everything, we have come to nothing.
it is hard. but , to stay alive, we need to pay for it. we need to stay strong.
atuk teach me, us, how to stay strong.
"be patient along. Allah ada.atuk ada." that's what he said.
and that moment also, i realized,
everything comes with a price. take it or leave it.

in matriks,
there was one time, the pain came. too painful to remember.
mom said, atuk ubatkan dari jauh.
tapi atuk pesan,
"suruh along baca surah maryam dua kali tiap hari kalau boleh"
the first night i read it, it took me 2 hours and a half to finish it.
because on every sentences i was attacked.
i never got to finish a sentences sekali. mesti ulang 5 6 kali sbb tak betul.

only after matriks i became fond to atuk. i want to get close.
i still remember how i would sat next to him and start the conversation with
"atuk dah makan?"

atuk orang jawa.
and someone told me that atuk adalah keturunan wali songo. wali songo ada 9 kan.
he's the one the descendent from no 7.
i never ask him about it.
but i always think it is true looking how gentle he treat people.

i was eighteen back then.
with jawa accent,
"atuk suka along. along tahu apa along layak dapat, apa yang along layak minta, apa yang along layak suka. tapi sayang, jiwa along baru empat belas tahun. along tak ada ayah, tak ada atuk untuk memberi perlindungan, untuk memberi nasihat, tak apa. atuk ni ada."
i want to cry. i want to cry like hell. but i kept it. because i know everything he said was true.
well the first few sentences i believed he was treating me. merawat secara psikologi.
if he not said that, he wont got my attention. :')

i did asked atuk, atuk sebenarnya apa? siapa? macam mana atuk boleh ubat orang?

"atuk ditugaskan oleh Allah untuk menjaga bahagian Nusantara. (seperti memantau) atuk perlu tolong mereka yang benar2 memerlukan pertolongan. semuanya dengan izin Allah"

:')

i kept quiet. thinking how big that role is to someone yang juga manusia.
yang punya hati dan perasaan.
yang perlu tenaga setiap masa.


then i went to university.
even jarak 1-2 jam je dari rumah tapi jarang sangat balik.
that was the time when i get too far from him.
i was too dreamy in my own world.
sibuk sangat nak bercinta kannnn.

atuk never judged me for what sins and faults that i did.
i know he knows.
and he know i knows.
i was too arrogant.
thinking how i will always have time for more bertaubat ke, beramal ke.
i was too stupid.

only when i had my practical near to my house, i started to approach him back.
i know segala bui atuk tak kan pernah terbalas.
segala kekuatan yang diberi,
segala semangat yang di sampaikan
segala tenaga yang dicurahkan
takkan mampu terbayar.

cikgu N**** said, atuk bahagia sangat kat sana.
daripada atuk terseksa sakit kat sini, lebih baik terpisah dgn jasad.
macam mana sejuknya kita kat sini, macam tu la atuk bahagia kat sana.


i still remember, atuk said,
"kita sebagai orang islam ada tiga nur yang perlu dijaga.
pertama, solat,
kedua, mengaji al-quran
ketiga, berzikir.
cukup ketiga2 tu, insyaAllah semuanya baik2 sahaja."

"kalau kamu dapat lihat setiap zikir kamu itu, cantik sangat. tiap zikrullah itu seperti butir- butir bintang yang naik ke langit. betapa bercahayanya. "

you must be tengah imagining bintang naik ke langit kan? :')
me too.

i was devastated sbb tak pernah tanya atuk berapa zikir yang along kalau boleh buat everyday.

like my mom, she need to zikir 6000x sehari. itupun sebab mak bekerja.
kalau tak bekerja, macam my neighbour, atuk said 12000x sehari.

kalimah lailahailallah itu sangat kuat. sangat besar.
once ia dah hidup dalam hati, that is our pendinding.
bukan tangkal.
bukan ayat2 atas kertas buat simpan dalam poket ke baju. bukan.
that is one thing atuk said.
atuk cuma boleh tolong ubatkan, tapi pendinding diri kita lepas tu, kena usaha sendiri.

i miss listening to atuk voice. :'(


i know some of you who are reading this, mesti ada rasa sangsi.
keep on feeling like that.
tak salah.
everyone have their own story.
you believe what you want to believe.
you see what you want to see.
but dont condemn other people for what they had gone through and had feel every single single moment yang memang real.


this is my story about atuk, the man i adored so much.
thank you for everything,atuk :'(.

nyawa

atuk betul2 dah tak ada :'(
along nak buat apa ni tuk.
along tak tahu nak buat apa :'(

halalkan makan minum along tuk.
along minta maaf if selama ni along ada buat atuk sakit hati,benci, menyampah dgn along.

along sayang atuk. sayang sangat2.
dulu Allah hantar atuk jadi penyelamat kami, sekarang atuk dah tak ada.

tak ada siapa boleh ganti atuk.
walaupun atuk bukan darah daging along, tapi along sayang atuk mcm ayah sendiri.

along ralat sgt. along mimpi atuk sedih along tak jumpa atuk.
along cerita kat mokcik, mokcik kata atuk mmg tak sihat,banyak buat perangai bebudak tp dia kata itu perkara biasa.
hari2 along lalu dpn atuk tp skali pun along tak pergi urut atuk.
along cuma nak maklumkan along dah keluar suluk jekan. lpas tu tak ada dah.

along minta maaf tuk. along minta maaf.
kalau along doa,atuk pun dgr kan.
jgn lupakan along ye tuk.
tggu along.
along rindu atuk sgt2.

2014.

pejam celik pejam celik harini dah 5 januari.
rasa macam sekejap je dah mula tahun baru.
and aku rasa macam tak cukup masa. tak cukup masa nak stelkan semua benda yang perlu disetelkan.

azam baru?
finish the unsettle business.